Family Portraits & Christmas 2016

We moved into a new house in May and got our first EVER family pictures taken this fall. I wanted to blow up a family picture on canvas for above the fireplace. It turned out so great but I look at this picture and feel like something is missing, someone is missing. 

We are done having biological children so I know our family is as complete as it will get here on earth (unless we choose to adopt at some point). After Izzy was born I would look at pictures of Brad, her and myself and not feel the whole "incomplete" feeling because I knew we weren't done having kiddos. Since have had Kylie and there is still a kiddo missing it makes me a little sad to see that picture above the fireplace. I wish it could be of all three of my kiddos. 

I took this picture for a friend and added in a silhouette of a boy about her son's age who she lost many years ago. I think I would like to do something like this once the girls are a little older and add in a silhouette for Liam. As complete of a family picture as we will ever be able to get.   

Christmas

I got the new house decorated for Christmas and finally for the first time ever hung up all three of my kiddos stockings. We had very fun unique stocking as kids, they were bears with overalls and that is where you could put stuff. So soon after Brad and I got married I found these three stockings on sale after the holiday's and knew I had to get them. Knowing my whole life that I wanted to have three kiddos, these stockings were perfect. 

Another thing that is bitter-sweet to see up. It makes my heart happy to know that I was blessed to have the three children I had always wanted but also sad that Liam will never be able to use this stocking. I will put it up every year and feel happy to have things like this that I can put up to continue to keep Liam as much a part of our lives as I possibly can. 

Merry Christmas my precious Liam!

4 years old

Today is once again Liam's birthday. It seemed to creep up on me this year, unlike years past where I am a wreck the whole week leading up to this day. Not unlike the last 3 years, I can't believe Liam would be turning 4 years old today. Virginia Beach seems like a lifetime ago and so does Liam's birthday. 

Perhaps that is why I feel somewhat distant this year, that and having Izzy and Kylie here this year has added a new dynamic. After loosing Liam all I could feel were empty arms, then we had Izzy, but even after she was born I couldn't shake the feeling that our family wasn't complete. We were suppose to have multiple kiddos. Although 'multiple' can mean a varying amount we now have multiple living children. Although we will never have Liam again our family seems more complete now with Kylie. Perhaps that is God's way of giving me peace with one heavenly and two earthly children. 

This year also took on another dynamic since Izzy is so verbal now. She went with me to the store and picked out Liam's birthday card, it has a cake and candles on it which Izzy's knows means a birthday. She wanted to pick out a really BIG birthday cake but we got a small one instead with blue balloons on it. I explained that to her that tomorrow would be her brother Liam's birthday. She kept saying, "But Liam HAS to eat his birthday cake." That broke my heart. I tried to explain to a 2.5 year old that her brother was in heaven and we would be eating his cake for him. I know each year she will grasp more and more of this concept. It's also difficult when everyone you interact with at the store (all well intentioned) ask, "Who is the cake for." "Oh your big brother is turning 4, have fun at his party." All the normal smiles you would share when celebrating someone. They have no idea and I didn't feel like explaining yesterday. 

I have also decided that I need to start a new line of greeting/birthday cards. We get a card and write in it each year to Liam. It gets harder to pick out a card that even comes within the realm of our situation. I don't want a card that says, "First you smiled, then you crawled, then you started walking and now your growing into a little boy and have stolen my heart." No card pertains to Liam since he never did anything living on this earth. We are celebrating Liam but not another great year of life that he has experienced. 

I have been giving Kylie extra snuggles today. I LOVE babies, and she looks so much more like Liam did then Izzy does. So today while I stare into her eyes as she smiles at me and I like to think I get a glimpse of Liam. 

I know today might be harder in some ways for Brad. We just had a baby 2.5 months ago, another girl, and it's out last. Knowing that we wont have another boy I know hit's Brad a little harder. I know he had so many hopes and dreams for Liam of things they would together and knowing that while he can still do those things with his girls, it wont be the same. My heart breaks for him. I will never forget the day I sat on the phone and we found out together (He was in Afghanistan on a civilian deployment) that we were having a boy. I know it's what he always wanted. 

I think about my mom who was driving to Des Moines to catch a flight 4 years ago today when we told her I was in labor. Then Brad had to call to her and tell her the news. Today she is driving here again to watch the girls while Brad and I shoot a wedding tomorrow. My brother who held him, all those that wish they could have. So many people that Liam had a profound impact on. 

I am always amazed at the outpouring of love and support that Brad and I have been shown. People that year after year remember Liam. That means the world to us, he is gone but NEVER forgotten. 

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."

Our Last Baby

My 3rd pregnancy was emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally challenging to say the least. I feel like each pregnancy takes a greater toll on my body, grieving Liam, and wondering if this baby will be ok all weighed heavily on my heart and mind. Brad and I had talked about the possibility that this baby would be out last. I hadn't decided for 100% until the events of Kylie entering this world unfolded....

I was seen at the University of Iowa for the first half of this pregnancy. They did the amnio for all 3 of my babies and are totally apprised of Liam and I trust their care 100%. 

In May I made the switch to a high risk MFM doctor here in Des Moines so we could get to know someone before baby was born and so we wouldn't have to make the long drive to Iowa City for my visits anymore as they get more frequent as the pregnancy progresses. After Liam died from IUGR (intro uterine growth restriction) I pay very close attention to the growth ultra sounds and feel much better equipted to know what I need and take care into my own hands.

After my first growth US in DM the tech informed me that baby girl was in the 42% for growth. While pushing average seemed great, she had dropped from the 55% in just 4 weeks. I voiced my concern. The doctor informed me that those numbers could just be from changing offices as each performs the growth US a little differently and may calculate things differently, that we would keep an eye on it and see what another 4 weeks did. 

So we waited and went back from another growth US on June 3rd. This time Brad was in court and couldn't join me so I had Izzy with me and went to app. alone. After the growth US I asked the tech what % she was in. She informed me that she was in the 30%. My heart immediatley dropped and I could feel the nerves welling up inside me. I said, "Ok" and went onto my NST. Not wanting to alarm Brad or my mom at this point I text a dear friend and asked her to pray. It was then that I couldn't hold back the tears and began to bawl in the chair. I was listening to babies perfect heartbeat but couldn't help but think that we were going to loose her too. 

I met with the doc who told me that the 30% was still a great place to be. I began to cry again as I explained what Liam's numbers look like. 

60% down to the 35% and the 10% when he was born. I told her I was scared cause baby girl was following the same trend. That we COULDN'T wait another 4 weeks to check growth. She agreed to have me come back in two weeks and see where she was. That if she continued to decline we could go ahead and deliver her early. That if at any point I felt like emotionally I couldn't handle it anymore, we could deliver her early. So I went home to inform Brad and family. I just had a feeling in my gut that we would be having baby girl in two weeks.

Stephanie watched Izzy and Brad and I went to my app on June 15th. After the growth US the tech told us that she was in the 15% (this was 12 days later) I went to my NST anxiously awaiting to talk to the doc. knowing that baby girl declining 15% points in 12 days was not good. 

The nurse came in and told us that Dr. C saw the numbers and wanted to see me again in 1 week. I said, "I am not waiting another week, she doesn't have another week!" Trying hard to talk through the tears. She came back and said they wanted to do steroid injections. That we would do one there and then another in 24 hours, then we could deliver her. I said, "Do you admit me for those shots?" She said, "We can." I said, "You don't understand, I am NOT leaving the hospital office. I am not going home. I will wait as long as I need to hooked up to a monitor so I can hear my babies heart beat 24/7 until she is born." 

At that point we went into the room to meet the doc. She was already in her scrubs and said, "How do you feel about having a baby today?" I said, "Good." She asked us to meet her at the hospital and get prepped for my c-section. 

Kylie was born 4 hours later!

To say hearing her cry was a sigh of relief is an understatement! I just can't help but that think, that is how it should have gone with Liam. I am more convinced now that another growth US with Liam would have saved his life, and that is a hard pill to swallow.

I have not doubt in my heart and mind that if we had waited another week that we would have lost Kylie. My mutation puts me at risk for a low birth weight baby and early term labor. Liam was going to be big and was in the 60% at one point but declined in growth. Kylie was much the same. I didn't know with Liam what I know now or I would have advocated for him. I know that Liam saved Kylie's life. Knowing what I know about Liam pushed me to stand firm with the doctors and not wait. To trust my gut, giving me the knowledge I needed to ensure Kylie's safe delivery into this world. 

I wish so badly I could have them both. That it didn't have to be loosing one to save another. It's a bizzare thing to look at Kylie and think of what could have happened (because I have actually experienced it). To imagine her not being here, which is what I experience with Liam daily. 

I had my tubes tied after they delivered Kylie. She will be our last biological child. I hate that the decision was made for me, even though we were leaning in that direction. Brad and I both just know that we can't risk loosing another one as we came so close to loosing Kylie. It's just so mentally tasking as well as physically given my mutation and the complications that arise. 

Adoption is not out of the question for us someday, but for now I will continue to miss my baby boy and snuggle my two beautiful babies girls tight! 

Reaching Out

Reaching Out:

I have had several people contact me recently regarding my help and guidence (as much as I feel I have to offer) for people they know who have lost a child. I feel like God is pressing upon my heart to start some type of online support group where people can talk and share. I feel like people's friends and family need direction on how to support a grieving loved one. 

Why do we say, "I am sorry for your loss?" Saying, "I am sorry for your loss" does nothing to help someone, it doesn't take the pain away, it doesn't make it easier, I feel like they are empty words although they come from a good place in people's hearts. 

Any why do we say, "I offer my condolences", what does that even mean to offer someone your condolences? How is this helpful except in helping the person saying it feel a little bit better because they said it. It's not their fault and truthfully, it's not very helpful. So what can we really do to help someone who is grieving the loss of a child? 

I think people need the opportunity to talk to people who have gone through it, who understand and can relate, empathize. I think people need to know they are not alone, that there are others who will walk alongside them through the journey of grief and not just through the funeral and then fade away. I think people need a support system that is in it for the long hall, through the awkward times and the sad moments, the deeply sorrow filled moments. People who aren't afraid to go to a deep dark place, who will mourn with those mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. 

I am not going to say, "I am sorry for your loss" anymore, or "I offer my condolences." I will say, "I am sorry you have to experience this unimaginable and unspeakable pain. I am sorry that grief is going to be a forever part of your life now and I will do my best to walk alongside you and offer any help and support that I can." 

I wish I could take the pain away but the bottom line is, I can't. Nothing I say or do it going to make the pain go away, the pain will still be there but maybe we can make it a little bit easier. 

Keep an eye out for a closed facebook support group soon. A place where we can share our thoughts and feelings, ask questions, offer validation and support. Where we can talk about our babies and keep their memory alive. Where we can connect with others who are in the this club! 

Gender baby #3

I had my amino at 17.5 weeks and Brad and I knew that if baby worked with us we would be able to find out the gender at this visit. Knowing there is a 50-50 chance of it being a boy or girl, something in me just thought we were having another boy. 

This will likely be our last baby. My body physically, emotionas, and finances all play a part in that. So of course Brad and I are hoping for a boy. 

 

I laid on the table while they checked babies heart, head, kidneys etc and was very happy to hear that baby is measuring on track so far and everything is looking good. So know the moment of truth, baby is working with us and we can see gender. "It looks like you are having another GIRL!" The tech tells us. I put on a fake smile and say, "oh great." Once she leaves and we wait for the doc to come in and do the amnio, I just burst into tears. Brad came over and held my hand and I said, "I was really hoping for a boy!" He said,
"Me too." I said, "Is it bad that I am disappointed that it's a girl?" He said, "No, I feel the same way." We just sat and waited letting the news of another girl sink in. 

Lots of doctors and nurses fill the room for the amnio and one nurse says, "You found out today you are having another girl?!" I said, "Yes." With another fake smile. She said, "Well at least you have all the cloths and everything ready to go." I didn't say it out loud but all I could think to myself was, "We have everything ready to go for a boy as well."

 We went home after the amnio and began to tell family. Of course everyone is excited for another girl (would have been for a boy as well) but we shared our true feelings with everyone. My mom cried with us and it was just a bitter sweet rest of the day. 

I feel guilty for feeling disappointed that we are having another girl. It's not that I don't already love this precious baby and look forward to Izzy having a sister and all the joy that will bring. It's just that having planned for, prepared for, and dreamed of having a boy makes knowing that we may never have a boy a lot harder.

When we lost Liam, I grieved Liam for who he was. Someone that can never be replaced. Yet, as we started growing our family again and found out Izzy was a girl, there was just something inside me that was sure we would have another boy. Not only will we always grieve Liam, but now grieving the hopes and dreams we had of raising a boy. It's a lot to take in and absorb. I dread pulling out Liam's stuff and deciding what to do with it. Thinking about another girls nursery when I had a new boy's nursery all picked out in my head. Knowing that we wanted to use 'Liam' as a middle name for another boy. All those things that will probably never happen for us. Grief takes another unexpected turn and more bitter-sweet moments of life emerge. 

Just like pastor Rick said at Liam's funeral. "Grief is like a fog, sometimes in will engulf you to the point where you can't see your own hand in front of your face. Sometimes it will be thin and distance." This is one of those times where I feel like I am drowning in the sadness and disappointment. Where you feel like you are being kicked when your already down. Where life just isn't fair. 

 

Yet, I know the heartache will ease (eventually) that God is still in control and knows what we need more than we do. I am thankful that someone who has my best interest at heart is controlling my destiny. I am thankful for another healthy and living baby, that Izzy will get a sibling and that I can physically carry another baby. 

I may not be ready to dive into thinking of girls names, or planning out her nursery yet. I need more time to just 'embrace the suck' as I have said before. To let myself be sad for a time and when I am ready, and I know that time will come I will begin to be filled with the joy of planning a new nursery and picking out names. Looking forward to holding a precious new life in my arms and letting the explainable joy that comes along with all the trails of parenthood fill out home with another baby. 

 

 

Baby #3

I am due in July with baby #3! 

I feel so blessed that we are able to get pregnant without any complications although I am so over pregnancy. Having done a full 9 month pregnancy with Liam, the deliver, postpartum and the whole 9 yard without taking a baby home is a lot. Then getting pregnant 7 months later and doing the whole thing again with Izzy and I am just done. The newance is gone and truthfully, it's just a means to an end for me. Not just the physical toll that pregnancy takes on a women's body, but the whole emotional side of it for us. The countless doctors apps, the amnio (getting poked through the stomach with a giant needle), wondering if baby carries the same mutation I do and if I will need to go on meds, the growth ultra sounds and making sure baby is growing, wondering if I feel them kicking and if everything is ok, and of course...praying to God we take this baby home! 

I am so excited for another baby and a sibling for Izzy but I can't lie, I am not excited right now about being pregnant. I truthfully just want the baby in my arms and to know that I don't have to go through any of this again! That might sound crazy but I just don't know if I have it all in me to do again.