I had my amino at 17.5 weeks and Brad and I knew that if baby worked with us we would be able to find out the gender at this visit. Knowing there is a 50-50 chance of it being a boy or girl, something in me just thought we were having another boy.
This will likely be our last baby. My body physically, emotionas, and finances all play a part in that. So of course Brad and I are hoping for a boy.
I laid on the table while they checked babies heart, head, kidneys etc and was very happy to hear that baby is measuring on track so far and everything is looking good. So know the moment of truth, baby is working with us and we can see gender. "It looks like you are having another GIRL!" The tech tells us. I put on a fake smile and say, "oh great." Once she leaves and we wait for the doc to come in and do the amnio, I just burst into tears. Brad came over and held my hand and I said, "I was really hoping for a boy!" He said,
"Me too." I said, "Is it bad that I am disappointed that it's a girl?" He said, "No, I feel the same way." We just sat and waited letting the news of another girl sink in.
"Me too." I said, "Is it bad that I am disappointed that it's a girl?" He said, "No, I feel the same way." We just sat and waited letting the news of another girl sink in.
Lots of doctors and nurses fill the room for the amnio and one nurse says, "You found out today you are having another girl?!" I said, "Yes." With another fake smile. She said, "Well at least you have all the cloths and everything ready to go." I didn't say it out loud but all I could think to myself was, "We have everything ready to go for a boy as well."
We went home after the amnio and began to tell family. Of course everyone is excited for another girl (would have been for a boy as well) but we shared our true feelings with everyone. My mom cried with us and it was just a bitter sweet rest of the day.
I feel guilty for feeling disappointed that we are having another girl. It's not that I don't already love this precious baby and look forward to Izzy having a sister and all the joy that will bring. It's just that having planned for, prepared for, and dreamed of having a boy makes knowing that we may never have a boy a lot harder.
When we lost Liam, I grieved Liam for who he was. Someone that can never be replaced. Yet, as we started growing our family again and found out Izzy was a girl, there was just something inside me that was sure we would have another boy. Not only will we always grieve Liam, but now grieving the hopes and dreams we had of raising a boy. It's a lot to take in and absorb. I dread pulling out Liam's stuff and deciding what to do with it. Thinking about another girls nursery when I had a new boy's nursery all picked out in my head. Knowing that we wanted to use 'Liam' as a middle name for another boy. All those things that will probably never happen for us. Grief takes another unexpected turn and more bitter-sweet moments of life emerge.
Just like pastor Rick said at Liam's funeral. "Grief is like a fog, sometimes in will engulf you to the point where you can't see your own hand in front of your face. Sometimes it will be thin and distance." This is one of those times where I feel like I am drowning in the sadness and disappointment. Where you feel like you are being kicked when your already down. Where life just isn't fair.
Yet, I know the heartache will ease (eventually) that God is still in control and knows what we need more than we do. I am thankful that someone who has my best interest at heart is controlling my destiny. I am thankful for another healthy and living baby, that Izzy will get a sibling and that I can physically carry another baby.
I may not be ready to dive into thinking of girls names, or planning out her nursery yet. I need more time to just 'embrace the suck' as I have said before. To let myself be sad for a time and when I am ready, and I know that time will come I will begin to be filled with the joy of planning a new nursery and picking out names. Looking forward to holding a precious new life in my arms and letting the explainable joy that comes along with all the trails of parenthood fill out home with another baby.
