Our Last Baby

My 3rd pregnancy was emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally challenging to say the least. I feel like each pregnancy takes a greater toll on my body, grieving Liam, and wondering if this baby will be ok all weighed heavily on my heart and mind. Brad and I had talked about the possibility that this baby would be out last. I hadn't decided for 100% until the events of Kylie entering this world unfolded....

I was seen at the University of Iowa for the first half of this pregnancy. They did the amnio for all 3 of my babies and are totally apprised of Liam and I trust their care 100%. 

In May I made the switch to a high risk MFM doctor here in Des Moines so we could get to know someone before baby was born and so we wouldn't have to make the long drive to Iowa City for my visits anymore as they get more frequent as the pregnancy progresses. After Liam died from IUGR (intro uterine growth restriction) I pay very close attention to the growth ultra sounds and feel much better equipted to know what I need and take care into my own hands.

After my first growth US in DM the tech informed me that baby girl was in the 42% for growth. While pushing average seemed great, she had dropped from the 55% in just 4 weeks. I voiced my concern. The doctor informed me that those numbers could just be from changing offices as each performs the growth US a little differently and may calculate things differently, that we would keep an eye on it and see what another 4 weeks did. 

So we waited and went back from another growth US on June 3rd. This time Brad was in court and couldn't join me so I had Izzy with me and went to app. alone. After the growth US I asked the tech what % she was in. She informed me that she was in the 30%. My heart immediatley dropped and I could feel the nerves welling up inside me. I said, "Ok" and went onto my NST. Not wanting to alarm Brad or my mom at this point I text a dear friend and asked her to pray. It was then that I couldn't hold back the tears and began to bawl in the chair. I was listening to babies perfect heartbeat but couldn't help but think that we were going to loose her too. 

I met with the doc who told me that the 30% was still a great place to be. I began to cry again as I explained what Liam's numbers look like. 

60% down to the 35% and the 10% when he was born. I told her I was scared cause baby girl was following the same trend. That we COULDN'T wait another 4 weeks to check growth. She agreed to have me come back in two weeks and see where she was. That if she continued to decline we could go ahead and deliver her early. That if at any point I felt like emotionally I couldn't handle it anymore, we could deliver her early. So I went home to inform Brad and family. I just had a feeling in my gut that we would be having baby girl in two weeks.

Stephanie watched Izzy and Brad and I went to my app on June 15th. After the growth US the tech told us that she was in the 15% (this was 12 days later) I went to my NST anxiously awaiting to talk to the doc. knowing that baby girl declining 15% points in 12 days was not good. 

The nurse came in and told us that Dr. C saw the numbers and wanted to see me again in 1 week. I said, "I am not waiting another week, she doesn't have another week!" Trying hard to talk through the tears. She came back and said they wanted to do steroid injections. That we would do one there and then another in 24 hours, then we could deliver her. I said, "Do you admit me for those shots?" She said, "We can." I said, "You don't understand, I am NOT leaving the hospital office. I am not going home. I will wait as long as I need to hooked up to a monitor so I can hear my babies heart beat 24/7 until she is born." 

At that point we went into the room to meet the doc. She was already in her scrubs and said, "How do you feel about having a baby today?" I said, "Good." She asked us to meet her at the hospital and get prepped for my c-section. 

Kylie was born 4 hours later!

To say hearing her cry was a sigh of relief is an understatement! I just can't help but that think, that is how it should have gone with Liam. I am more convinced now that another growth US with Liam would have saved his life, and that is a hard pill to swallow.

I have not doubt in my heart and mind that if we had waited another week that we would have lost Kylie. My mutation puts me at risk for a low birth weight baby and early term labor. Liam was going to be big and was in the 60% at one point but declined in growth. Kylie was much the same. I didn't know with Liam what I know now or I would have advocated for him. I know that Liam saved Kylie's life. Knowing what I know about Liam pushed me to stand firm with the doctors and not wait. To trust my gut, giving me the knowledge I needed to ensure Kylie's safe delivery into this world. 

I wish so badly I could have them both. That it didn't have to be loosing one to save another. It's a bizzare thing to look at Kylie and think of what could have happened (because I have actually experienced it). To imagine her not being here, which is what I experience with Liam daily. 

I had my tubes tied after they delivered Kylie. She will be our last biological child. I hate that the decision was made for me, even though we were leaning in that direction. Brad and I both just know that we can't risk loosing another one as we came so close to loosing Kylie. It's just so mentally tasking as well as physically given my mutation and the complications that arise. 

Adoption is not out of the question for us someday, but for now I will continue to miss my baby boy and snuggle my two beautiful babies girls tight! 

Reaching Out

Reaching Out:

I have had several people contact me recently regarding my help and guidence (as much as I feel I have to offer) for people they know who have lost a child. I feel like God is pressing upon my heart to start some type of online support group where people can talk and share. I feel like people's friends and family need direction on how to support a grieving loved one. 

Why do we say, "I am sorry for your loss?" Saying, "I am sorry for your loss" does nothing to help someone, it doesn't take the pain away, it doesn't make it easier, I feel like they are empty words although they come from a good place in people's hearts. 

Any why do we say, "I offer my condolences", what does that even mean to offer someone your condolences? How is this helpful except in helping the person saying it feel a little bit better because they said it. It's not their fault and truthfully, it's not very helpful. So what can we really do to help someone who is grieving the loss of a child? 

I think people need the opportunity to talk to people who have gone through it, who understand and can relate, empathize. I think people need to know they are not alone, that there are others who will walk alongside them through the journey of grief and not just through the funeral and then fade away. I think people need a support system that is in it for the long hall, through the awkward times and the sad moments, the deeply sorrow filled moments. People who aren't afraid to go to a deep dark place, who will mourn with those mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. 

I am not going to say, "I am sorry for your loss" anymore, or "I offer my condolences." I will say, "I am sorry you have to experience this unimaginable and unspeakable pain. I am sorry that grief is going to be a forever part of your life now and I will do my best to walk alongside you and offer any help and support that I can." 

I wish I could take the pain away but the bottom line is, I can't. Nothing I say or do it going to make the pain go away, the pain will still be there but maybe we can make it a little bit easier. 

Keep an eye out for a closed facebook support group soon. A place where we can share our thoughts and feelings, ask questions, offer validation and support. Where we can talk about our babies and keep their memory alive. Where we can connect with others who are in the this club!