Baby Willa

I found out in Jan. that my sister Stephanie was pregnant with their first baby. I was SOOO incredibly excited for them and another baby to hold and snuggle. I found out that her due date was September 12th and I got worried...all throughout the pregnancy I think we ALL thought they would have a baby boy. It seems to run in the family with my brother and Liam being the oldest in our families. I was worried that she would have a baby boy and that she would deliver on, or within a day on either side of Liam's birthday.
I was worried that I would be sad as well as happy when the baby was born and tried to prepare myself as much as one can for how those emotions would feel and how I would navigate not wanting to taint my sister's experience having a baby with my sadness for Liam.

Well today is September 12th, her due date and I have to say it's a total Godsend that Stephanie and Neal had a baby GIRL - AND she was born on August 27th and doesn't even share the same birthday month with Liam. I am so relieved and happy that I feel nothing but pure joy for them. It's not bitter-sweet like I was nervous about. When I hold Willa, I think of Izzy and Kylie when they were born. I don't always or instantly think of Liam and for that I am really grateful.

Perhaps they will have a boy and I will a nephew in close proximity to me one day and maybe then I will be ready for it. For now, God new just what I needed.

I love you Liam and I love you Willa!!

Your 7th Birthday

Liam,
Monday was your 7th birthday, I can hardly believe it.
Each year when I think of you, I view you as the little baby that I held on Sept. 9th 2012. This year however, I could only seem to view you as the 7 year old boy you would have been today. Wondering what type of birthday party you would be having, what the cool thing is for young boys these days, what type of personality and humor you would be adding to our family. It is really crazy to think about how different things would be with you here.
I was super busy on Monday, more than I usually am on your birthday. At first I thought it was good to keep a 'normal' schedule (especially with the girls) but by the time I got home around 6pm and was able to let the reality of the day sink in, it me. The sadness as we released balloons, had cake (mainly for the girls ;) and sang Happy Birthday, while we wrote in your card. By the end of the night I had this overwhelming feeling like we didn't do enough. Like I didn't give you the time you were due today. Yet, in an effort to be kind to myself I remembered everything we do throughout the year in honor of you, in addition to thinking about and missing you DAILY!! Brad and I have become very involved with No Foot Too Small this year and enjoy getting to honor, celebrate, and remember you at events throughout the year. As well as helping to make a difference in the lives of other families, in honor of you!

I also found this year oddly redundant. It's your birthday and we are 'celebrating' without you. I guess it hit me this year that is how it will be each year, forever. I mean, I know you aren't coming back to us on this year, yet this year I kinda expected to feel different. To have some great epiphany about how what to do on your birthday. Each year on the girls birthday's we do pretty much the same thing; bloody marys, mimosas, doughnuts, gifts, and friends. While it's the same each year it feels different. Friend's kiddos are growing up and changing as well as my own. But each year on your birthday it's more of the same. I don't know why I really didn't like that this year.

I started homeschooling your sister Izzy and already had my first run-in with imparting the wrong information about the Presidents of the United States. I really wish you were here to challenge your momma with 2nd grade math, writing and who knows what else, lol.

Well Liam, I love you and miss you my son!
~Mom

Mother's Day 7 years later

I never thought holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or even Christmas or Easter would ever be anything but joyous. A celebration of someone special in our lives or the joy of the season, yet after loosing Liam of course that all changed.
I hate that today, on Mother’s Day seven years after Brad sent me flowers from overseas with my first Mother’s day I can be hugging my girls as they hand me a gift and then crying my eyes out as I think about not getting to share this day with my baby boy, Liam.
My eyes were opened to a new kind of pain and heartache on these otherwise special days after loosing Liam and now I not only see other bereaved Mothers but my heart also breaks for those whose own mother has already passed, and those who can never bare their own children or are struggling to have a family.

It’s all part of our need for Jesus and our dissatisfaction here on our because it’s not our forever home. I hate there is pain among the beauty but I have learned that it’s part of life. The forever grief. The juxtaposition. The bitter-sweet.

My mother is always so amazingly thoughtful, amongst her own 
pain and grief as a grandmother and mother.
 She went out to visit Liam’s marker 
(again, I don’t like the word ‘grave’) today and sent me these pictures. 
It was just what my heart needed.

Of course Brad pampered me today and my girls showered 
me with snuggles, hugs, kisses and “I love you mommy” and 
“Happy Mother’s Day”.
My heart is sad missing Liam and although that part can never be filled, it is also full today. 

Happy Mother’s Day

Easter Sunday

I have said this many times over the years on Easter Sunday - This day changed for me seven years ago when I celebrated my first Easter Sunday without Liam. The promise of eternity hit me in a new, deep, and profound way after we buried OUR son and today, I didn’t expect it to hit me hard as it did.

I was happily singing of the resurrection of Christ and then a new song, a song I have never heard before began to play. The words touched me and as I began to bawl, all I could think about was Liam Michael Felty. 

“Then came the morningthat sealed the promise
Your buried body began to breathe
Out of the silence, the Roaring Lion
Declares the grave has no hold on me”

The Father knows better then anyone what it is like to loose a son -
 and someday He will do the same for Liam that He did for His own. 

Someday, someday Liam in the new Jerusalem!! 💙