December 10th 2012

Liam Bear

A bunch of people from Brad's office collected a total of 1,400 dollars to donate to a group called "Molly Bear". They make bears for families of people who lost little ones. The money they raised paid for our "Liam Bear" and for several other families who lost little ones to get a bear.

The bear weighs 5.2 pounds, exactly what Liam weighed when he was born.

Brad opened it when he got home from work tonight. At first I found it very to have Liam Bear here and I started crying at the dinner table. Brad asked me if I liked it, which I do. It just makes me think of Liam to hold the bear having it weigh what Liam weighed. It's just a little much all at once. Perhaps the timing with just having put Liam's stuff away is a bit much.

After dinner I found myself holding Liam bear over my shoulder, rocking him, and patting him on the back. I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like if that were actually Liam. AAAAHHH it would be a dream come true.

Even while I was making dinner tonight, I looked across the room and imagined what it would be like if Liam were in the swing, or the bouncy seat, maybe sitting at the counter next to me. Those are things I have wondered and dreamed about my whole life and now the answers to those questions allude me.

While holding Liam Bear I instantly thought that I could become of those people who become obsessed with something like a bear and thinking it has feelings and is a real person. Nah, we will put it in Liam's, well the spare room with his scrapbook and keepsake box.

It truly amazes me how many people have reached out in different ways to help us. Lot's of money, gift cards, Molly Bear, this angel thing (where people we don't even know send us angles and cards) so much love and support is what has gotten us through this. That, and the mighty hand of God.

While it all helps, nothing makes the pain any easier. This AM I felt like I was having a pretty good day. I printed off my journal entries from the website I had created when we found out were pregnant and then I deleted the sight all together. I was sad, but I was ok. This evening for some reason I am fighting back the tears the whole night and feel overwhelmed with sadness at the fact that Liam isn't here with us like he should be. Grief can sneak up on you sometimes. Sometimes it's a moment by moment thing.

Ugh Liam, I love and miss you more than you will ever know.

December 9th 2012

Liam would have been three months old today. It's crazy how time seems to move by quickly in some ways but when I look and think that it has been three months since I held my son, it seems like an eternity. Perhaps part of it is that I only got to hold Liam for a few shorts hours, and the further away that moment gets, the more and more it seems as though it never happened. Not that it seems as though Liam was never here (trust me, I feel his absence from my life every moment of everyday) but just that his time with us was so brief, that as more and more time grows between that moment that I held him, and now, the more brief that moment seems in my memory. Although I will never forget holding him as long as I live.

I imagine that he would be like right now if he was with us. I imagine I would be commenting on how fast he is growing up and how big he is getting. I would be changing out clothes for the next size up and perhaps diapers as well. We would have spent out first holiday with family and would be getting ready to take Liam to Iowa for the first time for him to meet so many friends and family.

Today, however, is far from those wonderful dreams....

Today we changed Liam's room back to a spare room. I have gone back and forth about when would be the right time to do this. Today just seemed right and so we went with it in the moment. We have talked about how we need time to make the transition from it being "Liam's room", to "the spare room", to the "nursery", and finally whoever room it will become down the road. I didn't want to just go from Liam's room to our next child's room. I also thought that with us being gone for Christmas for 11 days, it would be good to come back to a new room. Brad didn't want to have to do this at the end of a word day either (I don't blame him) and with us gone this coming weekend, today was the day.

We started with all the clothes. That was tough as everything has some significance. I remember who each piece came from or where I bought it. Some with my mom at garage sales, some were hand me downs, most were new bought from friends or family. Lots are significant to the beach and I had imagined we would already have family pictures by the sand and water. Some were Hawkeye stuff and I had imagined Liam wearing it during football season. Some have motorcycles on it as I had imagined taking pictures on the bike. So many memories and dreams already tied to Liam's stuff.

I figured that would be all we would do today, but Brad was ready to take down the crib and everything. So I figured now was as good as time as any. Just rip the band aid so to speak.

We are donating a case of the diapers to a charity Cory is collecting for this year. We put plastic over the car seat and put it and the stroller in the attic. I put blankets and stuff animals in a tub. Everything went into the closet.

As Brad was unscrewing the railing to the crib, I was holding the side. I remembered back, to what seems like forever ago when I was doing the same thing, only we were putting the crib together and I was turned sideways so my belly didn't get in the way. I thought to myself "How did we get here, how did we end up in this place were we are taking this down having never had a child who slept in it"? It seems unreal. As Abby put it "the magnitude of it all."

It is still hard for me to even believe it all happened. That I got pregnant, that we had a baby, and that we lost him. It's not that I am in denial that Liam is gone, but I look at his pictures and every time it's like it hits me all over again. "He was real, I really held him in my arms, and I really buried him."

Babies are still always in our face. I helped at the church this pas week packaging cookies and baking them for teachers. Wednesday morning I was at the church and sat sown to help. There was a 7 month old baby crawling by my feet and two pregnant women sitting on either side of me. "Really'? There were car seats and strollers, mommies and bjorns, infants and toddlers everywhere. Since those who are free to volunteer during the day are mommies, I guess it makes sense.  

Today was the first day we sat at church and didn't have an infant sitting in our area. I looked at Brad and said "wow, no babies this week." He said "yea we got a break." No sooner than we had just commented about it and the pastors announces that it's baby dedication day and two families walk up with their little ones. I looked at Brad and said "there it is." ugh.

End of November

Thinking back to seeing Liam for the first time. I wanted to write this down before I forget...

Brad noticed first that Liam had my ears. Brad's lobes are attached and mine aren't.

He had Brads eye with some puffy underneath and Brads chin.

I am not sure who's nose he had, but I think it looks like a Glynn nose.

He had light brown hair, I am guessing it would have been closer to my color. He has tons of hair around the bottom of his head and it got thinner as it got towards the top, like an old man with a receding hairline. 

He had a very strong protruding chest.  Not sure if that was because he was gone or not.

He has very long hands, fingers, and finger nails. Not really either one of ours. His hands were also wide! He had very long feet. He was going to be very tall.

He had the softest skin ever. I kept tracing the outline of his face and nose with my finger. I found myself rubbing his feet constantly while I held him. His feet poked out the bottom of the blanket.

The outfit mom and Brad put him in was a little big around but just barley long enough by his hands and feet. It was a premie outfit but wouldn't have even fit him for a week I don't think.

His eyes were very blue. A darker very saturated blue color.

He had eyelashes already and they were almost a red tint. Brad's beard has a red tint to it.

He also had some faint eyebrows.

His lips were very thin, like Brad has. But his ultra sound pictures showed very full lips so I think that would have been different had he been alive.

I held him and kept thinking "I can't believe he is really here, and I can't believe he is really gone."

It didn't seem possible. That moment when you first see your child and know it has some of you and some of it's dad. It's hard to believe we actually made a baby, a person. It's something I have dreamed about for so long and imagined what it would be like that it was hard to fathom I was holding my own child, not someone else's.

In that same moment I just couldn't grasp the fact that he was dead. How was this possible? I felt totally robbed of that moment when you hear your baby cry for the first time. That moment when they place the baby on your chest. That happy, magical moment when they are born. I had dreamed of that moment my whole life and now it has alluded me.

We passed him around. Seeing Brad hold him just ripped my heart out. He looked so great holding Liam. He looked at Liam with such an endearing look. It broke my heart that he wasn't going to get to carry out those fatherly roles like he should.

Seeing my mom holding her grandson, a moment such a long time coming for her. I know she already loved Liam with such a deep and special love. How unfair that she flew to VB just in time to see her dead grandson born. No one should ever have to go through that. She deserves better!

Then seeing Cory become and uncle. More than just a title to him. He would have been a great with Liam. It touched me to know how much Liam already meant to Cory and much he already affected his life.

Since we live so far away it was nice to have mom and Cory there with us. This was still a special moment, just not in the way we envisioned it, or in the way it was suppose to be

He was perfect though. I know I was looking through a mothers eye but he really was perfect. I found myself doing what you hear all mother's doing. Counting his fingers and toes. I just couldn't stop staring at him. I wanted to hold him forever. He was my precious baby boy, and he always will be. 

November 18th 2012

I was really looking forward to coming to CO for Thanksgiving and to the holiday season. I thought it would be nice to get out of VB for awhile, get away from it all and be with family. I love the holidays and was looking forward too it.

It has proved much harder than I thought for two reasons I think.

#1 - I am usually a 'glass is half full kinda person', optimistic, look at the bright side. I don't like to be sad or make others sad. So I thought getting out of the house and away from everything would be good. I was wrong. I think we have had two months in VB to just begin to adjust to not having Liam home like he should be. I was not anticipating coming here and feeling overwhelmed with Liam not being here like he is suppose to be. I feel like I was very naive in my thinking of the holidays would go. I find myself not even able to keep up with a conversation because I am looking at the person and nodding along, but my mind is daydreaming about what it would have been like to have Liam here. I literally can't stop thinking about it every minute of the day.

#2- This is the first time I have gone through grief like this. Sometimes I read books about it and think I that I have it all figured out, that I am prepared, and know what's coming. Then BAM! I was not anticipating feeling a new sense of Liam not being here and being a part of everything. I know that sounds weird, but the holidays are a special time and were suppose to be even more special this year.

 

The morning after being here Brad and I sat down with his parents and were able to talk about Liam and our grief. Marvin, my father in law brought up that he feels the same way about how everything is bitter sweet. The it sucks that happy occasions are peppered with sadness, but that is the 'suck' we are in right now.  He also articulated how I feel, that even when I am 'happy' and are doing 'ok', I am on the verge. Being 'ok' is relative. I am one commercial, seeing one baby away, one stupid comment from someone, one reminder, one tear away from a total breakdown.

Grief I am learning is not a day by day, but a moment by moment thing. I hate being sad, so I try to convince myself that I am doing better, that will all be ok, that I am happy. Sometimes I am not, I need to not be ok sometimes and know that that is ok.

Sometimes it hurts so much I just want to do the check list of grief and get through it so I can feel better again. Sometimes I am not sure what that check list is. What does "working through" the grief look like? What am I suppose to be doing?

I really thought that getting away from VB for awhile where all the bad stuff happened would be good. But I find myself missing Liam's stuff and his room.  I just want to go sit in his nursery for awhile and look at everything. Hold his blanket and see his pictures.

Fall

I feel like the prayers on my pray list lately have not been answered.

Drew Wall passed away about 1.5 weeks ago and now my friend Nicole from high school's infant son passed away at 3.5 months old. Her son Jaxon is buried next to Liam. I almost feel like no one would want me to pray for them cause everyone is dying. But on Thursday I did have a break through with my physical condition since giving birth. There is finally light at the end of the tunnel for my physical recovery. For that I am grateful. Grateful that despite how things seem, God has truly not left me or forsaken me.

October 10th 2012

One of our counseling sessions

~I told her how I am grieving two losses. The death of Liam himself, and the death of the dream we had for the future.

That was our reality. The hopes, dreams, and what we had envisioned for the future was our reality.

That reality has changed now. Our new reality is living with the fact that we lost our son Liam.

I told her I can handle the death of a dream. That rips my heart out and totally sucks, but it's manageable for me.  It's those few actual memories I have of Liam that are so gut retching and sad. That 24 period, that is what I have trouble facing and try to avoid because it's too painful.

     ~Our counselor said you can't avoid it. You don't have to deal with it all at once or all the time. But you have to face it and work through it. It's not going anywhere. The pain will always be there until you face it. But take it in small doses.

I have a friend who put it very well. I was telling her about the hard balance between needing that break from the pain and hurt sometimes, wanting to keep myself busy to take my mind off it, and wanting to face it, talk about it, and work through it. She said it's like your trying to move a mountain with a spoon. It's takes time. You can also put the spoon down and walk away when you need to and that's ok. The mountain isn't going anywhere, it will be there when you get back.

That is so true!

~The first time for everything is hard. Either because we had envisioned doing it with Liam. Or because I remember the last time and being pregnant, excited, and hopeful.

The first time we went to the mall after Liam died, driving to route the hospital on the way to a friends house, the first time at different restaurants, church, the beach etc.

      ~Our counselor said there are going to be a lot of first until we do all those "firsts" again. There will be the first holidays and those will be hard. Then just when you think all the "first" are over and Jan hits and it's a fresh start. No, then you relive all the milestones of pregnancy again until Sept of next year. It's a long hard road. 

       She said grief is always moving and always changing. One day you may feel like you are actually moving on and things are getting better. Then the next day you realize your right back to where you were when it first happened. The good news is as times goes on you recover faster/quicker. Everyday is different and that's ok.

      ~She said that journaling is good.  Not trying to hold onto something until the next time you can talk to someone. Or try to remember it forever. Getting it off your chest and venting on paper can be just as good as talking to someones some studies have found.

       ~She also said that people think they have to hold onto the really painful stuff in the minds or they are loosing or moving away from their loved one.

For me that is the moment they couldn't find a heartbeat, or on the ultrasound when we found out he was gone.  That moment is such a dark place for me that I can't bare to even go back there in my memory. I want to remember holding him, tracing his face with my finger, rubbing his feet, looking at his hair, seeing the color of his eyes.

I am glad she brought that up because we have so few memories of Liam, that I feel if I let some go then I am loosing part of him or letting him go. I want to hold onto everything I can because it's not much. Yet, I want to be able to look at Liam fondly and think of those other moments with him. 

     ~She also said it's ok to allow ourselves moments to laugh or watch a movie and forget for a short time. (it's not like your forgetting your loved one) You don't need to feel guilty about being strong during a time and having people see that. It doesn't mean that tomorrow will be the same.

That was good for me to hear. I don't want my being "strong" or having moments of levity to lead people to think that this isn't the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life or that it doesn't daily shake me to my very core.

I am thankful to have our counselor here to talk to. I don't need someone to protect me from the pain, I need someone to guide me though it and as much as they can prepare me for whats ahead.

I know everyone's heart is to try to take the pain away and encourage us and uplift us. I can totally appreciate that, but they just can't do it. It's nice to just have someone acknowledge the shitty situation your in and just let you be 'blah'.

September 30th 2012

Yesterday was my due date. It's still hard to believe that Liam is gone. For moments here and there it's like it never happened. Pregnancy seems like a million years ago and it's like Brad and I never even tried. I don't feel like I became a mom. It's all still so hard to take in. I am sitting on the beach now remembering back to the beginning of Jan. Possibly before I even told Brad I was pregnant. I sad on the beach after a run and kept saying over and over again "I can't believe I am pregnant, I am pregnant." It's something like my wedding day that I have dreampt about for so long. What would it be like to be pregnant and then have a baby of my very own?!
The experience of pregnancy had it's ups and downs, but for the most part treated me very well. Every part of it and every milestone was something new and exciting. Even going to the hospital once I was in labor was a moment I had played out in my mind a hundred times. Even pushing and giving birth to Liam was a surreal experience. Then all of the sudden, all those dreams came crashing in. What should have been more firsts, milestones, and awesome moments of dreams becoming reality, stopped in an instance.
Now I am left broken hearted, frustrated, confused, pissed off, desparing, sad, feeling hopeless, helpless etc. So many feelings and so many questions.
I truly believe that we will have another baby and get to experience bringing them home, playing, feeding, loving, sharing, raising, etc. But that doesn't ease the pain of missing Liam himself. A sweet, precious boy who we never got to see grow up. Laugh, cry, play etc. I never imagined in my wildest dreams burying my own son. Now that the funeral and everything are over, all I am left with is an empty nursery and a broken heart. I had to say good-bye to a piece of me, of my heart, and leave it in Iowa. While I am comforted by the fact that Liam is in the presence of God and I will see him again one day. It doesn't help how much I desperately miss him now. 
It seems beyond unfair how I only got to hold my baby for a few hours. How all my hopes and dreams were shattered to pieces. How an innocent life was taken from me. My heart breaks for everyone else who's future was turned upside down. Thinking of Liam's grandparents, aunts and uncles, great grandparents etc. So many others hurting over this devastating loss. 
I am trying to make sense of it all and cling to the peace that passes all understanding.  I feel like the joy has been stripped out of almost every aspect of my life. Simple day to day things seem so meaningless and 'blah'.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. It doesn't help that we are so far away from friends and family. God has really brought me to my knees, to a place where all I have is him!