Today is once again Liam's birthday. It seemed to creep up on me this year, unlike years past where I am a wreck the whole week leading up to this day. Not unlike the last 3 years, I can't believe Liam would be turning 4 years old today. Virginia Beach seems like a lifetime ago and so does Liam's birthday.
Perhaps that is why I feel somewhat distant this year, that and having Izzy and Kylie here this year has added a new dynamic. After loosing Liam all I could feel were empty arms, then we had Izzy, but even after she was born I couldn't shake the feeling that our family wasn't complete. We were suppose to have multiple kiddos. Although 'multiple' can mean a varying amount we now have multiple living children. Although we will never have Liam again our family seems more complete now with Kylie. Perhaps that is God's way of giving me peace with one heavenly and two earthly children.
This year also took on another dynamic since Izzy is so verbal now. She went with me to the store and picked out Liam's birthday card, it has a cake and candles on it which Izzy's knows means a birthday. She wanted to pick out a really BIG birthday cake but we got a small one instead with blue balloons on it. I explained that to her that tomorrow would be her brother Liam's birthday. She kept saying, "But Liam HAS to eat his birthday cake." That broke my heart. I tried to explain to a 2.5 year old that her brother was in heaven and we would be eating his cake for him. I know each year she will grasp more and more of this concept. It's also difficult when everyone you interact with at the store (all well intentioned) ask, "Who is the cake for." "Oh your big brother is turning 4, have fun at his party." All the normal smiles you would share when celebrating someone. They have no idea and I didn't feel like explaining yesterday.
I have also decided that I need to start a new line of greeting/birthday cards. We get a card and write in it each year to Liam. It gets harder to pick out a card that even comes within the realm of our situation. I don't want a card that says, "First you smiled, then you crawled, then you started walking and now your growing into a little boy and have stolen my heart." No card pertains to Liam since he never did anything living on this earth. We are celebrating Liam but not another great year of life that he has experienced.
I have been giving Kylie extra snuggles today. I LOVE babies, and she looks so much more like Liam did then Izzy does. So today while I stare into her eyes as she smiles at me and I like to think I get a glimpse of Liam.
I know today might be harder in some ways for Brad. We just had a baby 2.5 months ago, another girl, and it's out last. Knowing that we wont have another boy I know hit's Brad a little harder. I know he had so many hopes and dreams for Liam of things they would together and knowing that while he can still do those things with his girls, it wont be the same. My heart breaks for him. I will never forget the day I sat on the phone and we found out together (He was in Afghanistan on a civilian deployment) that we were having a boy. I know it's what he always wanted.
I think about my mom who was driving to Des Moines to catch a flight 4 years ago today when we told her I was in labor. Then Brad had to call to her and tell her the news. Today she is driving here again to watch the girls while Brad and I shoot a wedding tomorrow. My brother who held him, all those that wish they could have. So many people that Liam had a profound impact on.
I am always amazed at the outpouring of love and support that Brad and I have been shown. People that year after year remember Liam. That means the world to us, he is gone but NEVER forgotten.
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."
