Easter Sunday

I have said this many times over the years on Easter Sunday - This day changed for me seven years ago when I celebrated my first Easter Sunday without Liam. The promise of eternity hit me in a new, deep, and profound way after we buried OUR son and today, I didn’t expect it to hit me hard as it did.

I was happily singing of the resurrection of Christ and then a new song, a song I have never heard before began to play. The words touched me and as I began to bawl, all I could think about was Liam Michael Felty. 

“Then came the morningthat sealed the promise
Your buried body began to breathe
Out of the silence, the Roaring Lion
Declares the grave has no hold on me”

The Father knows better then anyone what it is like to loose a son -
 and someday He will do the same for Liam that He did for His own. 

Someday, someday Liam in the new Jerusalem!! 💙

                                 

To Liam - On Your 6th Birthday

Liam,

We don't always go to your "grave" (I hate that word) but today seemed fitting since we were in Cedar Rapids and we could go as a "whole" family. As we drove into Cedar Memorial, the day of your funeral came flooding back to me. I remember being nervous, still in shock that I would be sitting in the front row as a mother of the deceased. As I stare at your marker, your name, your birthday all I can think about is your body, buried beneath the ground, in a casket that we all wrote on and how much I wish I could reach down and touch you - hold - kiss you - and tell you that I love you!

With each passing birthday nothing seems sufficient or adequate to do to "celebrate" because we aren't celebrating years lived with watching you grow, getting to know you, or making memories together. I guess we celebrate your existence, however brief is was. So we blew bubbles, the girls put out toy trucks and we took a family picture. We hugged and Brad and I cried. 

As we got into the car I watched your blue heart shaped balloon quietly blowing in the breeze and leaving you was once again, hard.

I can't believe it's been six years! Six years of missing you, wondering who you would be and what you would be doing, of loving you from afar, and forever feeling incomplete. I took at Izzy and Kylie and fall deeper in love with them each day that we laugh, share moments and more of their personality comes through. I can imagine I would love you even more than I do now (if that is even possible) if I got to see who you would be become.  If I had the chance to live out a relationship with you and see your personality develop. 

Man what I wouldn't give.

I want you to know that today on your 6th birthday, I love you as much as I did the day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out we were having a boy (and your dad called from Afghanistan to find out) as much as the day we named you Liam, every ultra sound were we watched you wiggle - kick - and suck your thumb, every rib jab and bladder punch, the day we held you and said good-bye, the last day I got to see your face before they closed your casket and your funeral. My love for you will never fade, I know this because my heart still breaks into pieces when I think about you precious boy. 

Your sister Izzy talks about you often and shares you with everyone she meets. She makes sure they know she has a brother, that his name is Liam and he is in heaven. I love her unapologetic way of bringing you up in conversation. 

I think it's God's gift to me. 

With a deep and special love, like that of a mother and son I can tell you that it's been 6 years without you and forever can't come soon enough.

Loving you Always Liam Michael Felty! 

~Mom

More 'first feelings' that took me off guard! - Feb. 3rd

I thought I was done with "first feelings" 5.5 years after Liam, but today took me by surprise. My kiddos have a cold and are a little more needy than normal, taking care of sick kiddos is not my strong suite, it's just a tough momma day. I was pouring my tea as a little, very determined toddler, persisted to tug at my shirt and push my legs back so she could wedge herself between me and the counter for her usual, "uppy?!" I thought about Liam. How he was gone, how I wished he was here, how I missed him and suddenly, nothing else mattered. Everything in one moment just lost it's luster. The life that I am living now just didn't matter for a moment because all I cared about was him. 

Just wanted, Him!

Then, I suddenly felt guilty for not feeling more blessed that, even though they are snotty today, I have kids to love. To laugh with, smile, hold, play hide-and-go-seek with, kids that give my life purpose and value. I am having a very frustrated, frazzled, 'had enough' day and it was like Liam reminded me that even in those moments, or hours I still have lots to be thankful for because they are here. I would give anything to wipe Liam's snotty nose and give him hugs when he isn't feeling well. But I can't.

Fast forward to nap time today and I am purging my computer of pictures before we restore the OS. I came across a video from one my OB apps where my mom was videoing my US and Liam's heart beat. I could actually see him curled up in my tummy and his heart beating. It was weird...so much of what I think about when I think about Liam is after he died. Holding his precious, adorable, yet lifeless body. Giving his cold nose kisses and rubbing his still feet. I don't often think about when he was wiggling and moving inside me. My mind doesn't go back far enough to remember the joy, it comes to a screeching halt at the moment we found out he was gone and everything that came after.

I am going to get Liam's heartbeat tattooed on my arm where I can see if often. To remind me of a living boy. To remind me of the hope I once felt for him. The joy of seeing him wiggle on an US and listening to his heartbeat. To remind me that even on my hardest days with my girls that I am blessed, that in addition to the hard days, I get to enjoy good days, happy moments. The good, the bad, and the ugly that I will forever miss and wish for in Liam.

I don't believe that Liam has come down from heaven to gently remind his me of these things today. I don't believe that eternity works that way. But I do believe that God uses Liam to touch this momma's heart in a deep and special place when she needs it most!

Penguins

Penguins

My mom is sweet and thoughtful! Each year she goes to Liam's marker (I don't like calling it a 'grave' even though I know that is what it is) and she places a very well thought out item on his marker. She cries, grieves, and remembers her grandson, our son and how much he is loved and missed.
Each year she gets us one of the same items that she places on his marker. In Virginia my mom had gotten us a family of Penguins, a momma, a daddy, and a baby penguin to represent Izzy. This year she added another Penguin to represent Kylie and got a gold one to represent Liam. Now we have a whole family of Penguins to put out as part of my winter decor. 

I love that he is remembered around our home in big and small ways.

It means so much that Liam is still alive in the hearts of our family, even if that means deep sorrow and sadness.  He was our son but he was a grandson, a great-grandson, a nephew, a future friend. 

 

 

I want monsters, dirt and dinosaurs! - Jan. 2018

I want dump trucks, legos, monsters, dirt, and dinosaurs. 

I was perusing through a facebook buy-sell-trade page and saw a bunch of little boy pjs and I wanted them so badly. I want a little boy in a palo with a sweater, to take Liam to get a little boy hair cut, someone who wants to play army with his dad.

I had a friend who had a baby boy recently, reading her post on facebook, "my son." Wow, those seem like foreign words to me. Foreign because I speak on a daily basis about the girls I have. My two beautiful daughters, we watch cartoons like True, Tangled, Frozen and at our house it's all things barbie and princess. I miss the chance I had for dirt, bugs and rough and tumble play. I know it's all   stereotypical but you know what I mean.

It's been 5.5 years since there was blue,  thoughts of motorcycles and a son in my life.
I feel like I have one foot in the past, one foot in the future and I am straddling the present. How am I suppose to reconcile the past with my future as it becomes more of a mirage in my mind's eye? I know I am not the same person I was when Liam was born, Liam isn't here anymore. We go to a new church here in Des Moines and have met some new friends since moving back from VA, people who will never know Liam in anyway.

I will share Liam. I will continue to live in my memory as I close my eyes and sit in his blue nursery, think about his motorcycle diaper cake, and all the things I had envisioned for my son.

Liam's 5th Birthday

Liam's 5th birthday was yesterday and it was very different than in years past. Brad was gone all day at drill (not ideal for either one of us) and with Kylie being mobile and requiring more attention, I was very distracted for most of the day, which I thought was a good thing, but when the girls were in bed and we laid down to start winding down it all hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I was sad for Liam. Sad that we didn't really give him due for the day. Sad for so many reasons. I think about Liam all the time but not unlike other years, on his actual birthday I am taken back too all the details of the day. Not just thinking about Liam but finding out he was gone, delivering him, holding him for such a short time, giving him over to the nurse. Seeing him at the funeral home one last time before we closed the casket to put him on a plane with us to fly back to Iowa for his funeral. Those details that I don't often dwell on. How today is suppose to be filled with presents, cake, singing "Happy Birthday" and what would have been a 5 year old boy so excited to celebrate his birthday. Maybe he would have picked a Spider Man theme this year. Or Tonka Trucks with lots of dirt. I will never know. 

So this year instead of having a cake we got balloons that we all wrote on and released. It was very beautiful and I feel like much for fitting to celebrate his birthday. I took pictures today of Kylie with Liam Bear. The closet thing we will get to sibling pictures. Brad and I will write in a birthday card like we do each year and tuck it away with the rest of his memorabilia. I plan to use the girls footprints to make blue butterflies as a keepsake for his 5th birthday. That is all I got, it just doesn't feel like enough for our precious boy. 

On Friday I was eating breakfast with Izzy and said,

"Do you know what tomorrow is?"

She said, "no"

I said, "It's  your bother Liam's Birthday!"

She said, "Gasp (excited), are we going to go to heaven and take Liam birthday cake?"

I said, "No honey. We can't go to heaven but we are going to release balloons for Liam."

She said, "We are going to take balloons to heaven?"

I said, "Well no honey, we can't go to heaven. We are going to send balloons up into the sky to celebrate Liam's birthday."

 

Sigh, the heart of a child. Her youthful innocence. I am sure she thinks we can just jump in the car and go to heaven. I wish it was that easy to see Liam. 

 

I will never forget the last thing I said to Liam before I handed him to Brad for the last time to give to the nurse. 

"I love you Liam Micheal Felty, precious boy, and I will never forget you"

Happy 5th Birthday Liam. Until THAT day!  

 

Somedays are harder than others -March 2017

Laying here in bed, I can't tell you why sometime I just start thinking about THE DAY, the day we lost Liam. Liam is ALWAYS on my mind, whether the forefront or somewhere on the back burner, but sometimes like a punch in the gut, the events leading up to us holding Liam just hit me. I am suddenly, without warning thinking about how I went into labor. Trying to piece together the timeline of events and even find myself googling questions. Once again, I am scrambling for answers, answers to questions I thought I had long laid to rest.....Did my body go into labor because Liam had died? Did I go into labor first and that contributed to his death? Signs of labor are what had us thinking that day, then when I started spotting I called the doc. By the time we were on our way to the hospital I was measuring contractions, once at the hospital they were 2 minutes apart. 

I remember after taking a shower and shaving my legs, grabbing the to-go bag I hugged Brad and told him I was scared. He assured me that Liam was fine and he prayed for us. I feel so guilty because in the that moment the thought of Liam not being safe was never a thought in my mind. I was coming to terms with the fact that I was in labor and I was petrified of delivery. It breaks my heart to think that Liam was in distress, or already gone and I was selfishly thinking about myself. 

I think about how we should have RUSHED to the hospital and I should have NOT showered. Then I remembered. I remember feeling him kick, it was lower left side. He kicked me one time when we were standing at the receptionist desk in Labor and Delivery. I googled if you can feel a baby kick after they are gone and everyone said it was probably gravity and my movement that were moving Liam around. I will never know for sure if he was alive in that moment, or if we missed saving him by mere minutes.  Sometimes they can tell if baby has been gone for a long time when you deliver. Liam hadn't been gone that long, we know for sure he was kicking up a storm as we played poker with friends till 2am the night before he was born.  

The events that took place after that are behind me, yet I am once again asking God to give me peace. Peace that there was nothing else I could have done, peace that it wasn't my own selfishness that we could have saved him had we hustled. Peace that we didn't miss him being alive by mere seconds. 

Then I think about him and have to nearly say it out loud for my heart and head to agree. I HAD a baby BOY!!! I actually had a SON. I had a son who would have developed a personality, who I would have interacted with. I think about Kylie and think that Liam wasn't just a baby that I held lifelessly in my arms. He was a person, he was alive at one point. Ugh, I feel like I am in a dream, running in slow motion through a pool as I try to articulate how I am feeling. This bizarre emotion and confusion almost of thinking about how you had a child but never got to meet (really) or know them. 

I HAD a son but I don't HAVE a son. 

I think as Kylie gets bigger and begins to grow out of things like the swing and play mat, and we start to pass those things along, it will be tough. Tough to think that all those things we got for Liam being gone. It will begin to mark the end of our child bearing years, of having babies, of having babies around our home. Another thing that makes Liam seem so distant as my last baby quickly moves to being more of a toddler than a baby. Liam will always be a baby to me. Yet, the reality of that and all of the tangible things will soon be gone. I can only hold onto a few intangible things that often seem to allude me. 

Memories can fade and even trick us sometimes. 

I know that guilt and "what if's" are something I will probably wrestle with in some capacity for the rest of my life. Some nights, like tonight they are hitting me hard. That and the weirdness that is the whole thing. I look back in my minds eye to our townhouse on the Chesapeake Bay and it's almost as if I was in the movie "A Christmas Carole" and I was with the ghost of Christmas past, peering through the window at myself. But it's like it's not me. 

I had a son but I don't have a son. It feel like a lifetime ago. 

Not so much even the "Why God why?" Why did you let him die but more of the "How". How did this happen and why from a medical standpoint. There are days I feel like I should have filed a lawsuit with Sentara Norfolk General and the doctors, but I know we chose not to for all the right reasons.