Liam's 2nd birthday 9-9-14

Every time I drive to Cedar Memorial and walk onto the grass by the Garden of Angels

 I remember Liam's funeral like it was yesterday.

The car picking us up by the front of the building to drive us down to the funeral. As it did, I turned to Brad and said, "Is it weird that I am nervous?" He said, "No, I am as well." I remember getting out of the car and seeing all the people there to honor Liam and support us.

It reminded me of our wedding day except the opposite of circumstances.

I can still see the tent set up and sitting in the front row and honestly not crying as much as I thought I would during the service. I think it was all too serial sitting there and starting at his tiny casket, still in disbelief that he was here and gone.

Today marks Liam's 2nd birthday and grief over the last year has changed a lot. The year of "firsts' is over which makes things a little 'easier'. I also have this huge, amazing, Godsend and blessing in my life in Izzy. Focusing on her the last nearly 8 months has taken some of the focus off my grief, almost to the point where I feel bad for Liam. Like I am not giving him his due.

It's also hard this year with Brad being away on this special day and the mixed emotions of having Izzy, yet so sad that Liam isn't here to celebrate his birthday.

This year we have a nearly 8 month old. I don't have to wonder what that would be like anymore, but I wonder what having a two year old would be like. Being that Liam is older it will always be that way. Next year I will wonder what having a 3 year old would be like and so on.

It's also weird not being in Virginia. Liam and Izzy shared the same nursery just a little different. That was kinda of my safe place in grief. I could go and sit in his rocking chair and close my eyes and think back to a time when I was still waiting with joyful anticipation for his arrival. Then, even if just for a brief moment, the pain lifts.

I went to buy a big cupcake and candle for Liam yesterday and couldn't help but think how I should be buying a lot of cupcakes for him to share with his friends today. I hope to fight back the years in Hy-vee, good thing Izzy was there with a big smile on her face.

Then picking out a birthday card (Brad and I want to write in one to him each year) was just a glaring reminder of how things SHOULD be. How he should be growing and becoming this great mom and mommy can be proud of.

On his birthday, what can I say about a boy I never had the chance  to get to know. I know he had the hiccups a lot in utero like his siser. I know that he had the same hairline at birth as Izzy did, and the same eyes and nose. I know his feet were bigger at birth than Izzy's are even today, he was going to be one tall kiddo. If he was going to be anything like his sister 

(or even not) he would have been amamzing.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a hug, smile, snuggle it just rips my heart out.

I am at a place where thinking about Liam just takes me back to the hospital and that horrible moment we found out he was gone. Having to tell family, handing him over to the nurse etc. I just can't let my mind recap those things, which means I don't get to think about Liam very much because those are all the memories I have of him. Sure, I had 9 months of pregnancy with him, but it's not the same as the moments I got to actually hold him in my arms.

I am back to feeling guilty for not seeing the red flags of his IUGR. I don't think anyone will ever be able to convince me his death couldn't have been prevented, and I don't know how I am suppose to live with that for the rest of my life as his mother.

It juts frustrates me that so many people get to spend their kiddos birthdays celebrating at a playground or park, and I will be spending Liam's at the cemetery.

I know we were taught as kids that life is not fair and I can deal with that but it shouldn't have had to be this way for Liam. My heart breaks for everything he missed out on.

I pray someday I know heaven like he does, which I know is way better than this life. Someday I will see it from his side, when I get to meet Jesus and boy will I have some questions for him. On that day I will get my hug, my smile, and snuggle, I look forward too it!!!!

I miss and love you beyond words Liam, today and everyday.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever"

Wedding saddness? 8-23-14

As I sit at my cousin Ben's wedding, I can't help but think back to Brad and I's wedding. The bliss and joy we had without a care in the world. Ignorant of the heartache that would befall us down the line. You never know what the future holds for you but I am thankful that I have a God like I do and a man like Brad to help me through it.

I would have never believed you if you had come up to me at the dance at my wedding and told me I would loose a child in 7 years.

That time of year again 8-7-14

We are coming up on that time of year again that is very hard and sad for me. September and October are more difficult than most times of the year in regards to Liam's loss.

Of course I think about Liam everyday but around his birthday and infant loss awareness month it's like a old school sign that's constantly flashing right in my face.

This time of year the physical hurt is stronger for me, which I actually am ok with because the pain lets me know that Liam is still loved and missed and always will be. I am ok with hurting, for him.

 Knowing that amongst the joy that Izzy brings to my life that I still feel pain for what I lost in Liam makes me feel good to know that we will keep his memory alive and that every moment of life will still be bitter-sweet.

The pain that I feel, the sadness lets me know that Liam's loss two years ago is still as real to me today as it was then. That time does not heal all wounds and that in time his memory will NOT fade as I know the pain does not.

Reality 5-6-14

I have always been very aware of Liam since Izzy was born, but those first say, 6 weeks are pretty involved with a new baby and there really wasn't time for anything to sink in regarding how I felt about Liam not that Izzy is here.
There are have been many days since then that I feel his loss very deeply. In some respects the pain hasn't let up since having Izzy, not that I thought having another baby would take that away or make it all better. I always knew we would never be able to replace Liam and wasn't trying too. I needed the hope (although scary at times) of another baby. I needed something to help me carry on and knowing Izzy was on the way and my empty arms would be filled, did help. I am grateful for the many moments of smiles, laughter, and happiness she brings us and so many others, but that doesn't mean I miss Liam any less.

I have my moments with God where I know I should be grateful for Izzy (please don't misunderstand as I am thankful and blessed to have her) but I feel like God have me what he should have given me with Liam, a living baby. God gave me Liam and then took him away, that is not how it's suppose to work. It's like with Izzy, God gave me Izzy in the womb so why shouldn't he give me her after delivery. I feel like its' something owed to me by God, like a 'duh'.

Kinda like our tithe and offering. I feel so great sometimes like I did God this huge favor by tithing and giving of my first fruits when really that was already his to begin with. I didn't go above and beyond. It's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that Liam and Izzy aren't mine. Yes, they are my children as God chose me to be their mom, but they belong to God.

I also feel like sometimes after loosing Liam, God owed me a living child and owes me more. Like he has to make up for (not that you can) what we went through and the pain I will walk with for the rest of my life.
But that isn't a love that doesn't keep a record of wrong, not that God is ever wrong, but let's me honest, I feel like he was in taking Liam away.

Heaven 5-2-14

Heaven....

I just got done seeing the movie "Heaven is for real"
The first movie I have seen by myself.
I read the book and although parts of this movie were, dare I say "cheesey", it was still moving.
Of course I thought a lot about Liam and again questioned my own beliefs. I mean we all say we believe in heaven, but do we, really?
We all want something to believe in, especially when were going through a hard time. It's easy to say that heaven is there but when you stop to think about family members or death it becomes very real, so real it's almost scary and something so unimaginable that it seems fake.
I want to believe about heaven, especially when I think about Liam and getting to see him again. But then there are times I wonder if I really believe in heaven, Jesus or any of it. Or just the idea of it?
I certainly don't live everyday like I believe it's real. Why are there times there is no question in my mind about heaven and other times I feel like I have to talk myself into it.
Todd burpo was a preacher and had spoke about heaven many times but when his own son started talking about it, he began to question.
I think heaven is easy to believe in when we are not dealing with something so real and personal in our own lives. It's easy to throw ourselves in whole hearted until it gets down to brass tax.
Truthfully, I think sometimes heaven is scary to me. Death is something you do in life totally alone, thinking about Liam and heaven sometimes puts a smile on my face and other times I go to a very dark place. A very dark day in my life and it scares me because it's so sad and so real. Heaven is suppose to be happy, yet when you think about loved ones gone, it's sad.
There are days I picture what Liam will look like when I see him again and it brings me comfort, other days, knowing Liam is in heaven doesn't make it a lick easier.

It's no wonder God decided to give this little 4 year old an experience of heaven. He speaks so matter of factly about his time in heaven without a single iota of hesitation about if it 's real.  Why can't we believe like a child does? I want that youthful innocence that sees it through their eyes. I want to believe without reservation, but it's hard.

I want someone to come to me and tell me they saw Liam and he was with Jesus and happy and playing and wanted to tell me "everything is going to be ok mom."

I have often thought about Jesus coming back and sometimes I think, "Lord, I just want to get married first, have a baby etc." After this movie was over for the first time in my life I thought, "I am ready, I want to go there now! I want to see and hold Liam again."
I feel bad that it's not because I want to see Jesus. That was a lot to confess, I know Jesus is always with me and I see Izzy everyday (not that I get enough of her) but I want to see Liam. Right now that is what my heart desires about heaven. God has put eternity in the hearts of men and he has put my heart in heaven with Liam.

Sometimes it feels like that part of the dream where you are running but don't get anywhere. I feel stuck between two worlds.
One, I am very aware of, and one that is magical and mystical and mysterious to me.
"Our beliefs change our perspective"
"Faith is the only thing that opens our eyes"
Those two quotes from the movie stuck out to me. What are my beliefs and how will they change my perspective? I don't have an answer yet, but I know that faith is the only thing that can open my eyes to the truth and reality of where Liam is. To him it's real, no question.
I knew from the first moment that Liam was in heaven, why then is it so hard to believe then that it's actually real?

Sometimes I think we believe what we want or need too believe at any given moment. But this concept of heaven is something that you have to have iron clad, rooted, non wavering faith in when ya think about it.
A firm foundation.

Moments 4-25-14

There are so many moments when I am holding Izzy and she is right there and I can't get enough of her. She fell asleep in my arms last night (of course for an hour I didn't move a muscle, complete with legs and arms falling asleep) and I didn't want her to wake up and have to go put her down cause I wanted to snuggle for another.....umpteen hours. Just so much love I feel like my heart is exploding, it's amazing.
I remember once again feeling the same way about Liam. I remember the nurse kept saying "I can come back, you can keep him as long as you want." That really wasn't true, cause I wanted to keep him forever, but I knew what she meant. I knew no matter what time she came back it would be too soon. We would NEVER want to say good-bye, so we finally just had to hand him over. I will never forget me handing him over to Brad (I couldn't get out of bed) and started to walk away and I motioned him to come over for one last kiss on his head as I whispered "I love you" Breaks my heart to this day like it was Sept. 9th 2014.
Moments like this I pick Izzy up and drop whatever I am doing and snuggle and kiss away, thankful for the baby that God has given me to love in this lifetime.

Easter Sunday 2014

Pastor Edgar has us stand up in front of the church and show Izzy to everyone and he introduced her as the "miracle" baby.
Cory was having lunch with Pastor Edgar when he got the call that Liam had died. Everyone at the church just loved her and was so sweet.
One lady (retired) even gave us a dollar and told us to get something for Izzy for Easter. It meant the world to me because I know that was a lot for her.
Today was so much better than Easter last year. Having Izzy with us to dress up and take to church was awesome. Buy my heart goes out to those people I know who are spending Easter this year in that place of pain that I was in last year. I pray better days ahead for those people and happier subsequent holidays!
The year of firsts really does seem to be the hardest.