Angel birthdays of friends and loved ones

Today a dear friend of mine is celebrating their angel's birthday. After loosing Liam so many people shared stories of their loses and I quickly realized there were so many people I knew that had suffered pregnancy and infant loss that I had no idea about (1 in 4). Since loosing Liam and becoming involved with No Foot Too Small, many people share their loses with me or let me know when friends or family have experienced loss and I am always meeting new people at our Moms Nights and other events.

I remember many angels throughout the year but there are a handful of friends and family whose angel's birthdays hit a little closer to home, and hang heavy and my heart. Where I feel the emotions on a much stronger level throughout the day. Today is one of those days.

I met Amy Pope at our first Moms Night in Des Moines and we both became Ambassadors for No Foot Too Small in Des Moines. Our friendship has grown so much over the years as we share the highs and lows, grieve, celebrate, plan, share and talk with each other and other moms. Today is Grace's birthday. Grace was their first baby girl. Today I feel the sadness for Amy. Just that heaviness of the day as you think about all that should have been. Amy and her husband Chase lost another baby girl Isabelle and since then have had two miscarriages. More loss than most have endured and more than anyone should ever have to endure. Yet, they keep moving forward in their journey to have a living baby and grow their family.

This is where I am stumped. I have been meaning to post about this for awhile now and certainly welcome any advice.....I got pregnant with Izzy 7 months after we buried Liam. He wasn't even 1.5 years old when Izzy was born. When Izzy was 2.5 years old, Kylie was born. Our grief for Liam is still there but it certainly changed after bringing home a living baby. Not that any one child replaces another but our empty arms in all physical senses, were filled. As I simultaneously grieve all the hopes and dreams I had for Liam, I am living those out with my girls. Watching them grow, laughing with them, creating memories, sharing experiences.
Amy and Chas have yet to have their rainbow living baby.

I feel at a loss. At a loss of words, at a loss of encouragement and a loss of how to help and support them as they still walk the very dark road of no living children, still doing everything they can to have another baby and facing all the unknowns the future has. I can imagine grief, even many years later is much harder when you haven't experienced that rainbow. They are still in the midst of the storm. They don't have the distraction of a living baby that helps ease the grief.  I want to be the best support I can for her. What I really want to to promise that it will all turn out they way everyone wants. That all their hopes and dreams will come true. I know I can't promise that but I can pray and believe for it!.

If you are someone who has experienced loss and hasn't yet brought home that rainbow baby - what are things you want people to do, to say? What is the best way friends and family have supported you in grieving your losses and perhaps the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for growing your family?

Thank you!

Baby Willa

I found out in Jan. that my sister Stephanie was pregnant with their first baby. I was SOOO incredibly excited for them and another baby to hold and snuggle. I found out that her due date was September 12th and I got worried...all throughout the pregnancy I think we ALL thought they would have a baby boy. It seems to run in the family with my brother and Liam being the oldest in our families. I was worried that she would have a baby boy and that she would deliver on, or within a day on either side of Liam's birthday.
I was worried that I would be sad as well as happy when the baby was born and tried to prepare myself as much as one can for how those emotions would feel and how I would navigate not wanting to taint my sister's experience having a baby with my sadness for Liam.

Well today is September 12th, her due date and I have to say it's a total Godsend that Stephanie and Neal had a baby GIRL - AND she was born on August 27th and doesn't even share the same birthday month with Liam. I am so relieved and happy that I feel nothing but pure joy for them. It's not bitter-sweet like I was nervous about. When I hold Willa, I think of Izzy and Kylie when they were born. I don't always or instantly think of Liam and for that I am really grateful.

Perhaps they will have a boy and I will a nephew in close proximity to me one day and maybe then I will be ready for it. For now, God new just what I needed.

I love you Liam and I love you Willa!!

Your 7th Birthday

Liam,
Monday was your 7th birthday, I can hardly believe it.
Each year when I think of you, I view you as the little baby that I held on Sept. 9th 2012. This year however, I could only seem to view you as the 7 year old boy you would have been today. Wondering what type of birthday party you would be having, what the cool thing is for young boys these days, what type of personality and humor you would be adding to our family. It is really crazy to think about how different things would be with you here.
I was super busy on Monday, more than I usually am on your birthday. At first I thought it was good to keep a 'normal' schedule (especially with the girls) but by the time I got home around 6pm and was able to let the reality of the day sink in, it me. The sadness as we released balloons, had cake (mainly for the girls ;) and sang Happy Birthday, while we wrote in your card. By the end of the night I had this overwhelming feeling like we didn't do enough. Like I didn't give you the time you were due today. Yet, in an effort to be kind to myself I remembered everything we do throughout the year in honor of you, in addition to thinking about and missing you DAILY!! Brad and I have become very involved with No Foot Too Small this year and enjoy getting to honor, celebrate, and remember you at events throughout the year. As well as helping to make a difference in the lives of other families, in honor of you!

I also found this year oddly redundant. It's your birthday and we are 'celebrating' without you. I guess it hit me this year that is how it will be each year, forever. I mean, I know you aren't coming back to us on this year, yet this year I kinda expected to feel different. To have some great epiphany about how what to do on your birthday. Each year on the girls birthday's we do pretty much the same thing; bloody marys, mimosas, doughnuts, gifts, and friends. While it's the same each year it feels different. Friend's kiddos are growing up and changing as well as my own. But each year on your birthday it's more of the same. I don't know why I really didn't like that this year.

I started homeschooling your sister Izzy and already had my first run-in with imparting the wrong information about the Presidents of the United States. I really wish you were here to challenge your momma with 2nd grade math, writing and who knows what else, lol.

Well Liam, I love you and miss you my son!
~Mom

Mother's Day 7 years later

I never thought holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or even Christmas or Easter would ever be anything but joyous. A celebration of someone special in our lives or the joy of the season, yet after loosing Liam of course that all changed.
I hate that today, on Mother’s Day seven years after Brad sent me flowers from overseas with my first Mother’s day I can be hugging my girls as they hand me a gift and then crying my eyes out as I think about not getting to share this day with my baby boy, Liam.
My eyes were opened to a new kind of pain and heartache on these otherwise special days after loosing Liam and now I not only see other bereaved Mothers but my heart also breaks for those whose own mother has already passed, and those who can never bare their own children or are struggling to have a family.

It’s all part of our need for Jesus and our dissatisfaction here on our because it’s not our forever home. I hate there is pain among the beauty but I have learned that it’s part of life. The forever grief. The juxtaposition. The bitter-sweet.

My mother is always so amazingly thoughtful, amongst her own 
pain and grief as a grandmother and mother.
 She went out to visit Liam’s marker 
(again, I don’t like the word ‘grave’) today and sent me these pictures. 
It was just what my heart needed.

Of course Brad pampered me today and my girls showered 
me with snuggles, hugs, kisses and “I love you mommy” and 
“Happy Mother’s Day”.
My heart is sad missing Liam and although that part can never be filled, it is also full today. 

Happy Mother’s Day

Easter Sunday

I have said this many times over the years on Easter Sunday - This day changed for me seven years ago when I celebrated my first Easter Sunday without Liam. The promise of eternity hit me in a new, deep, and profound way after we buried OUR son and today, I didn’t expect it to hit me hard as it did.

I was happily singing of the resurrection of Christ and then a new song, a song I have never heard before began to play. The words touched me and as I began to bawl, all I could think about was Liam Michael Felty. 

“Then came the morningthat sealed the promise
Your buried body began to breathe
Out of the silence, the Roaring Lion
Declares the grave has no hold on me”

The Father knows better then anyone what it is like to loose a son -
 and someday He will do the same for Liam that He did for His own. 

Someday, someday Liam in the new Jerusalem!! 💙

                                 

To Liam - On Your 6th Birthday

Liam,

We don't always go to your "grave" (I hate that word) but today seemed fitting since we were in Cedar Rapids and we could go as a "whole" family. As we drove into Cedar Memorial, the day of your funeral came flooding back to me. I remember being nervous, still in shock that I would be sitting in the front row as a mother of the deceased. As I stare at your marker, your name, your birthday all I can think about is your body, buried beneath the ground, in a casket that we all wrote on and how much I wish I could reach down and touch you - hold - kiss you - and tell you that I love you!

With each passing birthday nothing seems sufficient or adequate to do to "celebrate" because we aren't celebrating years lived with watching you grow, getting to know you, or making memories together. I guess we celebrate your existence, however brief is was. So we blew bubbles, the girls put out toy trucks and we took a family picture. We hugged and Brad and I cried. 

As we got into the car I watched your blue heart shaped balloon quietly blowing in the breeze and leaving you was once again, hard.

I can't believe it's been six years! Six years of missing you, wondering who you would be and what you would be doing, of loving you from afar, and forever feeling incomplete. I took at Izzy and Kylie and fall deeper in love with them each day that we laugh, share moments and more of their personality comes through. I can imagine I would love you even more than I do now (if that is even possible) if I got to see who you would be become.  If I had the chance to live out a relationship with you and see your personality develop. 

Man what I wouldn't give.

I want you to know that today on your 6th birthday, I love you as much as I did the day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out we were having a boy (and your dad called from Afghanistan to find out) as much as the day we named you Liam, every ultra sound were we watched you wiggle - kick - and suck your thumb, every rib jab and bladder punch, the day we held you and said good-bye, the last day I got to see your face before they closed your casket and your funeral. My love for you will never fade, I know this because my heart still breaks into pieces when I think about you precious boy. 

Your sister Izzy talks about you often and shares you with everyone she meets. She makes sure they know she has a brother, that his name is Liam and he is in heaven. I love her unapologetic way of bringing you up in conversation. 

I think it's God's gift to me. 

With a deep and special love, like that of a mother and son I can tell you that it's been 6 years without you and forever can't come soon enough.

Loving you Always Liam Michael Felty! 

~Mom

More 'first feelings' that took me off guard! - Feb. 3rd

I thought I was done with "first feelings" 5.5 years after Liam, but today took me by surprise. My kiddos have a cold and are a little more needy than normal, taking care of sick kiddos is not my strong suite, it's just a tough momma day. I was pouring my tea as a little, very determined toddler, persisted to tug at my shirt and push my legs back so she could wedge herself between me and the counter for her usual, "uppy?!" I thought about Liam. How he was gone, how I wished he was here, how I missed him and suddenly, nothing else mattered. Everything in one moment just lost it's luster. The life that I am living now just didn't matter for a moment because all I cared about was him. 

Just wanted, Him!

Then, I suddenly felt guilty for not feeling more blessed that, even though they are snotty today, I have kids to love. To laugh with, smile, hold, play hide-and-go-seek with, kids that give my life purpose and value. I am having a very frustrated, frazzled, 'had enough' day and it was like Liam reminded me that even in those moments, or hours I still have lots to be thankful for because they are here. I would give anything to wipe Liam's snotty nose and give him hugs when he isn't feeling well. But I can't.

Fast forward to nap time today and I am purging my computer of pictures before we restore the OS. I came across a video from one my OB apps where my mom was videoing my US and Liam's heart beat. I could actually see him curled up in my tummy and his heart beating. It was weird...so much of what I think about when I think about Liam is after he died. Holding his precious, adorable, yet lifeless body. Giving his cold nose kisses and rubbing his still feet. I don't often think about when he was wiggling and moving inside me. My mind doesn't go back far enough to remember the joy, it comes to a screeching halt at the moment we found out he was gone and everything that came after.

I am going to get Liam's heartbeat tattooed on my arm where I can see if often. To remind me of a living boy. To remind me of the hope I once felt for him. The joy of seeing him wiggle on an US and listening to his heartbeat. To remind me that even on my hardest days with my girls that I am blessed, that in addition to the hard days, I get to enjoy good days, happy moments. The good, the bad, and the ugly that I will forever miss and wish for in Liam.

I don't believe that Liam has come down from heaven to gently remind his me of these things today. I don't believe that eternity works that way. But I do believe that God uses Liam to touch this momma's heart in a deep and special place when she needs it most!