Liam's 3rd Birthday

September 3rd - We are in September now and as Liam's birthday begins to approach I find myself, not unlike last year or the year before, getting really sad. I actually try not to think about it, which makes it even worse because that means I am trying not to think about Liam. I have a lump in my throat right now and truthfully just want to turn on the TV and take my mind off of it.

 I read a quote recently that says, "Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it." So true. The advice I give others is that sometimes you just have too, embrace the suck. 

"I miss you more than you will ever know as long I am on this earth Liam Michael Felty. So much, it physically hurts me. For now, I am going to watch TV. The whole time knowing the only thing I really want is you here to celebrate your birthday with happy tears!"

September 5th - I feel like a broken record each year around Liam's birthday. However, I can't help it. The pain, sadness, sorrow, loss are all still just as real. I feel the same stinging in my heart and chest this September as I did three years ago. I may be a different person now than I was then (so much life has happened) yet, the pain is still the same...all too familiar. 

It's interesting this year after having celebrated Izzy's first birthday in January. I got to experience planning a living babies first birthday party. I got to take pictures while Brad and Noni helped her open presents. A dear friend helped me make pink cupcakes and we bought juice boxes for all her friends. Such a magical time, and now I am already planning in my head her second birthday. 

Yet, on a completely opposite note, I will be buying a cupcake and a #3 for Brad, Izzy, and I to sing to Liam on Wednesday. I will buy a birthday card for Brad and I to write to Liam in as it has become our tradition. It seems so minimal, I feel like Liam deserves so much more yet, I don't know what else to do. It's his birthday but we aren't celebrating years gone by on this earth but rather up in heaven. 

I heard a quote the other day that really struck a cord with me.
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying Good-bye so hard."

Saying "Good-bye" to Liam in the hospital, only hours after saying "Hello". Then saying good-bye to him at the funeral home before they closed the casket and we flew with Liam to Iowa from Virginia Beach were both some of the hardest moments of my life thus far. 

We took cloths, a stuffed animal/blanket for Liam to buried in. Brad and I both chose the same outfit, brown pants and a white and brown striped onzie with an alligator on it. Written above the alligator it says, "See you later...."

I like to think it's "See you later." and not "Good-bye." Although it's permanent here on this earth and that feels like good-bye. 

To this day it hits me to my very core whenever someone says, "See you later alligator." All I can think of is Liam wearing that outfit...forever.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."  

Happy Birthday Liam. I love and miss you with my whole heart!