I
thought I was done with "first feelings" 5.5 years after Liam, but today
took me by surprise. My kiddos have a cold and are a little more needy
than normal, taking care of sick kiddos is not my strong suite, it's just a tough momma day. I was pouring my
tea as a little, very determined toddler, persisted to tug at my shirt and
push my legs back so she could wedge herself between me and the
counter for her usual, "uppy?!" I thought about Liam. How he was gone,
how I wished he was here, how I missed him and suddenly, nothing else
mattered. Everything in one moment just lost it's luster. The life that I
am living now just didn't matter for a moment because all I cared about
was him.
Just wanted, Him!
Then,
I suddenly felt guilty for not feeling more blessed that, even though
they are snotty today, I have kids to love. To laugh with, smile, hold,
play hide-and-go-seek with, kids that give my life purpose and value. I am
having a very frustrated, frazzled, 'had enough' day and it was like
Liam reminded me that even in those moments, or hours I still have lots
to be thankful for because they are here. I would give anything to wipe
Liam's snotty nose and give him hugs when he isn't feeling well. But I
can't.
Fast forward to nap time today and I am purging my computer of pictures before we restore the OS. I came across a video from one my OB apps where my mom was videoing my US and Liam's heart beat. I could actually see him curled up in my tummy and his heart beating. It was weird...so much of what I think about when I think about Liam is after he died. Holding his precious, adorable, yet lifeless body. Giving his cold nose kisses and rubbing his still feet. I don't often think about when he was wiggling and moving inside me. My mind doesn't go back far enough to remember the joy, it comes to a screeching halt at the moment we found out he was gone and everything that came after.
I am going to get Liam's heartbeat tattooed on my arm where I can see if often. To remind me of a living boy. To remind me of the hope I once felt for him. The joy of seeing him wiggle on an US and listening to his heartbeat. To remind me that even on my hardest days with my girls that I am blessed, that in addition to the hard days, I get to enjoy good days, happy moments. The good, the bad, and the ugly that I will forever miss and wish for in Liam.
Fast forward to nap time today and I am purging my computer of pictures before we restore the OS. I came across a video from one my OB apps where my mom was videoing my US and Liam's heart beat. I could actually see him curled up in my tummy and his heart beating. It was weird...so much of what I think about when I think about Liam is after he died. Holding his precious, adorable, yet lifeless body. Giving his cold nose kisses and rubbing his still feet. I don't often think about when he was wiggling and moving inside me. My mind doesn't go back far enough to remember the joy, it comes to a screeching halt at the moment we found out he was gone and everything that came after.
I am going to get Liam's heartbeat tattooed on my arm where I can see if often. To remind me of a living boy. To remind me of the hope I once felt for him. The joy of seeing him wiggle on an US and listening to his heartbeat. To remind me that even on my hardest days with my girls that I am blessed, that in addition to the hard days, I get to enjoy good days, happy moments. The good, the bad, and the ugly that I will forever miss and wish for in Liam.
I
don't believe that Liam has come down from heaven to gently remind his
me of these things today. I don't believe that eternity works that
way. But I do believe that God uses Liam to touch this momma's heart in a
deep and special place when she needs it most!