I want monsters, dirt and dinosaurs! - Jan. 2018

I want dump trucks, legos, monsters, dirt, and dinosaurs. 

I was perusing through a facebook buy-sell-trade page and saw a bunch of little boy pjs and I wanted them so badly. I want a little boy in a palo with a sweater, to take Liam to get a little boy hair cut, someone who wants to play army with his dad.

I had a friend who had a baby boy recently, reading her post on facebook, "my son." Wow, those seem like foreign words to me. Foreign because I speak on a daily basis about the girls I have. My two beautiful daughters, we watch cartoons like True, Tangled, Frozen and at our house it's all things barbie and princess. I miss the chance I had for dirt, bugs and rough and tumble play. I know it's all   stereotypical but you know what I mean.

It's been 5.5 years since there was blue,  thoughts of motorcycles and a son in my life.
I feel like I have one foot in the past, one foot in the future and I am straddling the present. How am I suppose to reconcile the past with my future as it becomes more of a mirage in my mind's eye? I know I am not the same person I was when Liam was born, Liam isn't here anymore. We go to a new church here in Des Moines and have met some new friends since moving back from VA, people who will never know Liam in anyway.

I will share Liam. I will continue to live in my memory as I close my eyes and sit in his blue nursery, think about his motorcycle diaper cake, and all the things I had envisioned for my son.