To Liam - On Your 6th Birthday

Liam,

We don't always go to your "grave" (I hate that word) but today seemed fitting since we were in Cedar Rapids and we could go as a "whole" family. As we drove into Cedar Memorial, the day of your funeral came flooding back to me. I remember being nervous, still in shock that I would be sitting in the front row as a mother of the deceased. As I stare at your marker, your name, your birthday all I can think about is your body, buried beneath the ground, in a casket that we all wrote on and how much I wish I could reach down and touch you - hold - kiss you - and tell you that I love you!

With each passing birthday nothing seems sufficient or adequate to do to "celebrate" because we aren't celebrating years lived with watching you grow, getting to know you, or making memories together. I guess we celebrate your existence, however brief is was. So we blew bubbles, the girls put out toy trucks and we took a family picture. We hugged and Brad and I cried. 

As we got into the car I watched your blue heart shaped balloon quietly blowing in the breeze and leaving you was once again, hard.

I can't believe it's been six years! Six years of missing you, wondering who you would be and what you would be doing, of loving you from afar, and forever feeling incomplete. I took at Izzy and Kylie and fall deeper in love with them each day that we laugh, share moments and more of their personality comes through. I can imagine I would love you even more than I do now (if that is even possible) if I got to see who you would be become.  If I had the chance to live out a relationship with you and see your personality develop. 

Man what I wouldn't give.

I want you to know that today on your 6th birthday, I love you as much as I did the day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out we were having a boy (and your dad called from Afghanistan to find out) as much as the day we named you Liam, every ultra sound were we watched you wiggle - kick - and suck your thumb, every rib jab and bladder punch, the day we held you and said good-bye, the last day I got to see your face before they closed your casket and your funeral. My love for you will never fade, I know this because my heart still breaks into pieces when I think about you precious boy. 

Your sister Izzy talks about you often and shares you with everyone she meets. She makes sure they know she has a brother, that his name is Liam and he is in heaven. I love her unapologetic way of bringing you up in conversation. 

I think it's God's gift to me. 

With a deep and special love, like that of a mother and son I can tell you that it's been 6 years without you and forever can't come soon enough.

Loving you Always Liam Michael Felty! 

~Mom