Mid January 2013 - A mom?

It was only a year ago by a couple weeks (January 17th 2012) I was realizing I was pregnant and falling in love with our first baby.

Hard to believe that 2011 and 2012 both brought such drastic changes for us. 2011 brought Brad safely home from a year long deployment to Afghanistan, and us home house jumping until finally moving out east. 2012 brought joy beyond belief and excitement about the birth of our first baby, and the overwhelming news of his death.

It's amazing how life can change in a moment.

I have worn many hats in my life, but the one entitled "mother" is one that I still feel like eludes me.

Its hard to feel like a mother since pregnancy and delivery were the only part of that title I got the privilege of experiencing. Especially since I feel I wasn't even good at that part and seemingly failed at it since the whole point is taking a baby home from the hospital.

Seeing and hearing to many of my friends talk about the overwhelming love, joy, bottles, breastfeeding, etc just pisses me off. I was looking forward to connecting with women on that 'mom' level and now I feel like I don't belong in those conversations. It makes me happy when women are talking about pregnancy and ask me "did you experience that" It acknowledges that I did have a baby. I can only engage in those conversations through the delivery, then our life experiences take a drastic separation from each other.

I still understand the overwhelming love you have for a child. I remembering journaling about how I was scared about other relationships in my life and how they were going to change. I realized after seeing Liam for the first and only time that your love really does multiply like people say. I feel in love with Liam and feel more deeply in love with Brad at the same time. My love for Liam will never stop, although I desperately wish it could have kept growing as I got to know, love, and take care of him.

It's weird how you can experience two such deep and overwhelming emotions simultaneously, love and heartbreak.

I feel so much love for Liam, but I don't feel like I have earned, deserve, or carry the title of being a mother. Maybe it's my own subconscious because I feel so jaded and ripped off.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."