Liam's 5th Birthday

Liam's 5th birthday was yesterday and it was very different than in years past. Brad was gone all day at drill (not ideal for either one of us) and with Kylie being mobile and requiring more attention, I was very distracted for most of the day, which I thought was a good thing, but when the girls were in bed and we laid down to start winding down it all hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I was sad for Liam. Sad that we didn't really give him due for the day. Sad for so many reasons. I think about Liam all the time but not unlike other years, on his actual birthday I am taken back too all the details of the day. Not just thinking about Liam but finding out he was gone, delivering him, holding him for such a short time, giving him over to the nurse. Seeing him at the funeral home one last time before we closed the casket to put him on a plane with us to fly back to Iowa for his funeral. Those details that I don't often dwell on. How today is suppose to be filled with presents, cake, singing "Happy Birthday" and what would have been a 5 year old boy so excited to celebrate his birthday. Maybe he would have picked a Spider Man theme this year. Or Tonka Trucks with lots of dirt. I will never know. 

So this year instead of having a cake we got balloons that we all wrote on and released. It was very beautiful and I feel like much for fitting to celebrate his birthday. I took pictures today of Kylie with Liam Bear. The closet thing we will get to sibling pictures. Brad and I will write in a birthday card like we do each year and tuck it away with the rest of his memorabilia. I plan to use the girls footprints to make blue butterflies as a keepsake for his 5th birthday. That is all I got, it just doesn't feel like enough for our precious boy. 

On Friday I was eating breakfast with Izzy and said,

"Do you know what tomorrow is?"

She said, "no"

I said, "It's  your bother Liam's Birthday!"

She said, "Gasp (excited), are we going to go to heaven and take Liam birthday cake?"

I said, "No honey. We can't go to heaven but we are going to release balloons for Liam."

She said, "We are going to take balloons to heaven?"

I said, "Well no honey, we can't go to heaven. We are going to send balloons up into the sky to celebrate Liam's birthday."

 

Sigh, the heart of a child. Her youthful innocence. I am sure she thinks we can just jump in the car and go to heaven. I wish it was that easy to see Liam. 

 

I will never forget the last thing I said to Liam before I handed him to Brad for the last time to give to the nurse. 

"I love you Liam Micheal Felty, precious boy, and I will never forget you"

Happy 5th Birthday Liam. Until THAT day!  

 

Somedays are harder than others -March 2017

Laying here in bed, I can't tell you why sometime I just start thinking about THE DAY, the day we lost Liam. Liam is ALWAYS on my mind, whether the forefront or somewhere on the back burner, but sometimes like a punch in the gut, the events leading up to us holding Liam just hit me. I am suddenly, without warning thinking about how I went into labor. Trying to piece together the timeline of events and even find myself googling questions. Once again, I am scrambling for answers, answers to questions I thought I had long laid to rest.....Did my body go into labor because Liam had died? Did I go into labor first and that contributed to his death? Signs of labor are what had us thinking that day, then when I started spotting I called the doc. By the time we were on our way to the hospital I was measuring contractions, once at the hospital they were 2 minutes apart. 

I remember after taking a shower and shaving my legs, grabbing the to-go bag I hugged Brad and told him I was scared. He assured me that Liam was fine and he prayed for us. I feel so guilty because in the that moment the thought of Liam not being safe was never a thought in my mind. I was coming to terms with the fact that I was in labor and I was petrified of delivery. It breaks my heart to think that Liam was in distress, or already gone and I was selfishly thinking about myself. 

I think about how we should have RUSHED to the hospital and I should have NOT showered. Then I remembered. I remember feeling him kick, it was lower left side. He kicked me one time when we were standing at the receptionist desk in Labor and Delivery. I googled if you can feel a baby kick after they are gone and everyone said it was probably gravity and my movement that were moving Liam around. I will never know for sure if he was alive in that moment, or if we missed saving him by mere minutes.  Sometimes they can tell if baby has been gone for a long time when you deliver. Liam hadn't been gone that long, we know for sure he was kicking up a storm as we played poker with friends till 2am the night before he was born.  

The events that took place after that are behind me, yet I am once again asking God to give me peace. Peace that there was nothing else I could have done, peace that it wasn't my own selfishness that we could have saved him had we hustled. Peace that we didn't miss him being alive by mere seconds. 

Then I think about him and have to nearly say it out loud for my heart and head to agree. I HAD a baby BOY!!! I actually had a SON. I had a son who would have developed a personality, who I would have interacted with. I think about Kylie and think that Liam wasn't just a baby that I held lifelessly in my arms. He was a person, he was alive at one point. Ugh, I feel like I am in a dream, running in slow motion through a pool as I try to articulate how I am feeling. This bizarre emotion and confusion almost of thinking about how you had a child but never got to meet (really) or know them. 

I HAD a son but I don't HAVE a son. 

I think as Kylie gets bigger and begins to grow out of things like the swing and play mat, and we start to pass those things along, it will be tough. Tough to think that all those things we got for Liam being gone. It will begin to mark the end of our child bearing years, of having babies, of having babies around our home. Another thing that makes Liam seem so distant as my last baby quickly moves to being more of a toddler than a baby. Liam will always be a baby to me. Yet, the reality of that and all of the tangible things will soon be gone. I can only hold onto a few intangible things that often seem to allude me. 

Memories can fade and even trick us sometimes. 

I know that guilt and "what if's" are something I will probably wrestle with in some capacity for the rest of my life. Some nights, like tonight they are hitting me hard. That and the weirdness that is the whole thing. I look back in my minds eye to our townhouse on the Chesapeake Bay and it's almost as if I was in the movie "A Christmas Carole" and I was with the ghost of Christmas past, peering through the window at myself. But it's like it's not me. 

I had a son but I don't have a son. It feel like a lifetime ago. 

Not so much even the "Why God why?" Why did you let him die but more of the "How". How did this happen and why from a medical standpoint. There are days I feel like I should have filed a lawsuit with Sentara Norfolk General and the doctors, but I know we chose not to for all the right reasons. 

Answering, "Yes!"

Today is Kylie's first birthday and my heart can hardly handle how quickly she is growing up. She is tiny in size but mighty in so many other amazing ways. The fact that she is my last (at least biological) baby makes milestones like this even harder to absorb.
It hit me several months ago with Kylie, that time always seems to be moving faster and faster with each passing day. I am very keenly aware each night when I lay her in bed that she will not be the same person tomorrow. She will be a day older, a day more mobile, a day taller, another day changing. I am very aware each night I lay her in bed, pray over her, and kiss her good-night that it's another day we will never get back. Time is moving so quickly that it is scary to me, scary how fast each day, month, and year go by. I watch her play with her paci in bed each night as I sing to her and watch her little feet curl up as she grabs her toes, I wonder how much longer she will curl up into that cute baby ball. 

Today I am aware that I don't have a baby anymore, although Kylie isn't fully mobile yet, and tiny for her age, she is for all tense and purposes a toddler now.
I am a baby person friends, I LOVE babies. Tiny babies, chubby babies, newborn babies are the best. I love the squeaks they make, the smell, the snuggles, everything. I can't believe that our baby days are over. I will never hold my own 'baby' again. Ugh, where did the time go?


Liam changed everything for me. My heart, my perspective, my view of God. I remember when I was pregnant with Izzy and talking with our pastors wife at Wave church in Virginia Beach, she asked me a very tough question when I was conveying to her my fear of loosing another baby. She asked, "If you lost this baby right now, would you still thank God for blessing you with her?" My immediate answer, and truly my answer up until recently was, "no." Why would I be happy that the Lord 'blessed' me with a baby that I only got to carry for a few months and then was taken away?
It has only been after laying Kylie down night after night, sometimes with real tears running down my face as I try to burn the image of my precious baby into my long term memory, that I can finally answer, "yes."  I was praying one night over Kylie and for myself and my bitter-sweet tears of joy for my girls and sadness at how quickly time is going. Kylie blew some kisses at me and in my heart, in that moment God touched something deep inside me and I thanked him. I thanked God for blessing me with all 3 of my children and that no matter how quickly time on earth goes, not only their baby days but school years, teenage years, adulthood. I get to spend FOREVER with my babies. I get to enjoy Liam, Izzy, and Kylie forever even after our time on this earth is done, however long or brief it is. So I am thankful that God gave me three beautifully amazing children that I get to spend eternity in heaven with.
I still look at my girls each day, bitter-sweetly enjoying the here and now, and mourning each day that quickly passes by. I mourn Liam everyday and wishing he could be here to spend our earthly days with, but I know the best is yet to come. A time will come when time doesn't matter. We won't be sad at how quickly it goes because we get forever. No good-byes, no growing up, just beautiful moments spent together for eternity.
This is an incredible, beautiful gift that God has given us. I will mourn each phase of my girls life's that come and go, but I don't have to be sad because I know that although our time on this earth is brief, whether you live to be 100 or never take a breath outside of the womb, God has given us forever. So I am thankful for Liam just as much as I am thankful for living children!

Family Portraits & Christmas 2016

We moved into a new house in May and got our first EVER family pictures taken this fall. I wanted to blow up a family picture on canvas for above the fireplace. It turned out so great but I look at this picture and feel like something is missing, someone is missing. 

We are done having biological children so I know our family is as complete as it will get here on earth (unless we choose to adopt at some point). After Izzy was born I would look at pictures of Brad, her and myself and not feel the whole "incomplete" feeling because I knew we weren't done having kiddos. Since have had Kylie and there is still a kiddo missing it makes me a little sad to see that picture above the fireplace. I wish it could be of all three of my kiddos. 

I took this picture for a friend and added in a silhouette of a boy about her son's age who she lost many years ago. I think I would like to do something like this once the girls are a little older and add in a silhouette for Liam. As complete of a family picture as we will ever be able to get.   

Christmas

I got the new house decorated for Christmas and finally for the first time ever hung up all three of my kiddos stockings. We had very fun unique stocking as kids, they were bears with overalls and that is where you could put stuff. So soon after Brad and I got married I found these three stockings on sale after the holiday's and knew I had to get them. Knowing my whole life that I wanted to have three kiddos, these stockings were perfect. 

Another thing that is bitter-sweet to see up. It makes my heart happy to know that I was blessed to have the three children I had always wanted but also sad that Liam will never be able to use this stocking. I will put it up every year and feel happy to have things like this that I can put up to continue to keep Liam as much a part of our lives as I possibly can. 

Merry Christmas my precious Liam!

4 years old

Today is once again Liam's birthday. It seemed to creep up on me this year, unlike years past where I am a wreck the whole week leading up to this day. Not unlike the last 3 years, I can't believe Liam would be turning 4 years old today. Virginia Beach seems like a lifetime ago and so does Liam's birthday. 

Perhaps that is why I feel somewhat distant this year, that and having Izzy and Kylie here this year has added a new dynamic. After loosing Liam all I could feel were empty arms, then we had Izzy, but even after she was born I couldn't shake the feeling that our family wasn't complete. We were suppose to have multiple kiddos. Although 'multiple' can mean a varying amount we now have multiple living children. Although we will never have Liam again our family seems more complete now with Kylie. Perhaps that is God's way of giving me peace with one heavenly and two earthly children. 

This year also took on another dynamic since Izzy is so verbal now. She went with me to the store and picked out Liam's birthday card, it has a cake and candles on it which Izzy's knows means a birthday. She wanted to pick out a really BIG birthday cake but we got a small one instead with blue balloons on it. I explained that to her that tomorrow would be her brother Liam's birthday. She kept saying, "But Liam HAS to eat his birthday cake." That broke my heart. I tried to explain to a 2.5 year old that her brother was in heaven and we would be eating his cake for him. I know each year she will grasp more and more of this concept. It's also difficult when everyone you interact with at the store (all well intentioned) ask, "Who is the cake for." "Oh your big brother is turning 4, have fun at his party." All the normal smiles you would share when celebrating someone. They have no idea and I didn't feel like explaining yesterday. 

I have also decided that I need to start a new line of greeting/birthday cards. We get a card and write in it each year to Liam. It gets harder to pick out a card that even comes within the realm of our situation. I don't want a card that says, "First you smiled, then you crawled, then you started walking and now your growing into a little boy and have stolen my heart." No card pertains to Liam since he never did anything living on this earth. We are celebrating Liam but not another great year of life that he has experienced. 

I have been giving Kylie extra snuggles today. I LOVE babies, and she looks so much more like Liam did then Izzy does. So today while I stare into her eyes as she smiles at me and I like to think I get a glimpse of Liam. 

I know today might be harder in some ways for Brad. We just had a baby 2.5 months ago, another girl, and it's out last. Knowing that we wont have another boy I know hit's Brad a little harder. I know he had so many hopes and dreams for Liam of things they would together and knowing that while he can still do those things with his girls, it wont be the same. My heart breaks for him. I will never forget the day I sat on the phone and we found out together (He was in Afghanistan on a civilian deployment) that we were having a boy. I know it's what he always wanted. 

I think about my mom who was driving to Des Moines to catch a flight 4 years ago today when we told her I was in labor. Then Brad had to call to her and tell her the news. Today she is driving here again to watch the girls while Brad and I shoot a wedding tomorrow. My brother who held him, all those that wish they could have. So many people that Liam had a profound impact on. 

I am always amazed at the outpouring of love and support that Brad and I have been shown. People that year after year remember Liam. That means the world to us, he is gone but NEVER forgotten. 

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."

Our Last Baby

My 3rd pregnancy was emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally challenging to say the least. I feel like each pregnancy takes a greater toll on my body, grieving Liam, and wondering if this baby will be ok all weighed heavily on my heart and mind. Brad and I had talked about the possibility that this baby would be out last. I hadn't decided for 100% until the events of Kylie entering this world unfolded....

I was seen at the University of Iowa for the first half of this pregnancy. They did the amnio for all 3 of my babies and are totally apprised of Liam and I trust their care 100%. 

In May I made the switch to a high risk MFM doctor here in Des Moines so we could get to know someone before baby was born and so we wouldn't have to make the long drive to Iowa City for my visits anymore as they get more frequent as the pregnancy progresses. After Liam died from IUGR (intro uterine growth restriction) I pay very close attention to the growth ultra sounds and feel much better equipted to know what I need and take care into my own hands.

After my first growth US in DM the tech informed me that baby girl was in the 42% for growth. While pushing average seemed great, she had dropped from the 55% in just 4 weeks. I voiced my concern. The doctor informed me that those numbers could just be from changing offices as each performs the growth US a little differently and may calculate things differently, that we would keep an eye on it and see what another 4 weeks did. 

So we waited and went back from another growth US on June 3rd. This time Brad was in court and couldn't join me so I had Izzy with me and went to app. alone. After the growth US I asked the tech what % she was in. She informed me that she was in the 30%. My heart immediatley dropped and I could feel the nerves welling up inside me. I said, "Ok" and went onto my NST. Not wanting to alarm Brad or my mom at this point I text a dear friend and asked her to pray. It was then that I couldn't hold back the tears and began to bawl in the chair. I was listening to babies perfect heartbeat but couldn't help but think that we were going to loose her too. 

I met with the doc who told me that the 30% was still a great place to be. I began to cry again as I explained what Liam's numbers look like. 

60% down to the 35% and the 10% when he was born. I told her I was scared cause baby girl was following the same trend. That we COULDN'T wait another 4 weeks to check growth. She agreed to have me come back in two weeks and see where she was. That if she continued to decline we could go ahead and deliver her early. That if at any point I felt like emotionally I couldn't handle it anymore, we could deliver her early. So I went home to inform Brad and family. I just had a feeling in my gut that we would be having baby girl in two weeks.

Stephanie watched Izzy and Brad and I went to my app on June 15th. After the growth US the tech told us that she was in the 15% (this was 12 days later) I went to my NST anxiously awaiting to talk to the doc. knowing that baby girl declining 15% points in 12 days was not good. 

The nurse came in and told us that Dr. C saw the numbers and wanted to see me again in 1 week. I said, "I am not waiting another week, she doesn't have another week!" Trying hard to talk through the tears. She came back and said they wanted to do steroid injections. That we would do one there and then another in 24 hours, then we could deliver her. I said, "Do you admit me for those shots?" She said, "We can." I said, "You don't understand, I am NOT leaving the hospital office. I am not going home. I will wait as long as I need to hooked up to a monitor so I can hear my babies heart beat 24/7 until she is born." 

At that point we went into the room to meet the doc. She was already in her scrubs and said, "How do you feel about having a baby today?" I said, "Good." She asked us to meet her at the hospital and get prepped for my c-section. 

Kylie was born 4 hours later!

To say hearing her cry was a sigh of relief is an understatement! I just can't help but that think, that is how it should have gone with Liam. I am more convinced now that another growth US with Liam would have saved his life, and that is a hard pill to swallow.

I have not doubt in my heart and mind that if we had waited another week that we would have lost Kylie. My mutation puts me at risk for a low birth weight baby and early term labor. Liam was going to be big and was in the 60% at one point but declined in growth. Kylie was much the same. I didn't know with Liam what I know now or I would have advocated for him. I know that Liam saved Kylie's life. Knowing what I know about Liam pushed me to stand firm with the doctors and not wait. To trust my gut, giving me the knowledge I needed to ensure Kylie's safe delivery into this world. 

I wish so badly I could have them both. That it didn't have to be loosing one to save another. It's a bizzare thing to look at Kylie and think of what could have happened (because I have actually experienced it). To imagine her not being here, which is what I experience with Liam daily. 

I had my tubes tied after they delivered Kylie. She will be our last biological child. I hate that the decision was made for me, even though we were leaning in that direction. Brad and I both just know that we can't risk loosing another one as we came so close to loosing Kylie. It's just so mentally tasking as well as physically given my mutation and the complications that arise. 

Adoption is not out of the question for us someday, but for now I will continue to miss my baby boy and snuggle my two beautiful babies girls tight! 

Reaching Out

Reaching Out:

I have had several people contact me recently regarding my help and guidence (as much as I feel I have to offer) for people they know who have lost a child. I feel like God is pressing upon my heart to start some type of online support group where people can talk and share. I feel like people's friends and family need direction on how to support a grieving loved one. 

Why do we say, "I am sorry for your loss?" Saying, "I am sorry for your loss" does nothing to help someone, it doesn't take the pain away, it doesn't make it easier, I feel like they are empty words although they come from a good place in people's hearts. 

Any why do we say, "I offer my condolences", what does that even mean to offer someone your condolences? How is this helpful except in helping the person saying it feel a little bit better because they said it. It's not their fault and truthfully, it's not very helpful. So what can we really do to help someone who is grieving the loss of a child? 

I think people need the opportunity to talk to people who have gone through it, who understand and can relate, empathize. I think people need to know they are not alone, that there are others who will walk alongside them through the journey of grief and not just through the funeral and then fade away. I think people need a support system that is in it for the long hall, through the awkward times and the sad moments, the deeply sorrow filled moments. People who aren't afraid to go to a deep dark place, who will mourn with those mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. 

I am not going to say, "I am sorry for your loss" anymore, or "I offer my condolences." I will say, "I am sorry you have to experience this unimaginable and unspeakable pain. I am sorry that grief is going to be a forever part of your life now and I will do my best to walk alongside you and offer any help and support that I can." 

I wish I could take the pain away but the bottom line is, I can't. Nothing I say or do it going to make the pain go away, the pain will still be there but maybe we can make it a little bit easier. 

Keep an eye out for a closed facebook support group soon. A place where we can share our thoughts and feelings, ask questions, offer validation and support. Where we can talk about our babies and keep their memory alive. Where we can connect with others who are in the this club!