Liam's 3rd Birthday

September 3rd - We are in September now and as Liam's birthday begins to approach I find myself, not unlike last year or the year before, getting really sad. I actually try not to think about it, which makes it even worse because that means I am trying not to think about Liam. I have a lump in my throat right now and truthfully just want to turn on the TV and take my mind off of it.

 I read a quote recently that says, "Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it." So true. The advice I give others is that sometimes you just have too, embrace the suck. 

"I miss you more than you will ever know as long I am on this earth Liam Michael Felty. So much, it physically hurts me. For now, I am going to watch TV. The whole time knowing the only thing I really want is you here to celebrate your birthday with happy tears!"

September 5th - I feel like a broken record each year around Liam's birthday. However, I can't help it. The pain, sadness, sorrow, loss are all still just as real. I feel the same stinging in my heart and chest this September as I did three years ago. I may be a different person now than I was then (so much life has happened) yet, the pain is still the same...all too familiar. 

It's interesting this year after having celebrated Izzy's first birthday in January. I got to experience planning a living babies first birthday party. I got to take pictures while Brad and Noni helped her open presents. A dear friend helped me make pink cupcakes and we bought juice boxes for all her friends. Such a magical time, and now I am already planning in my head her second birthday. 

Yet, on a completely opposite note, I will be buying a cupcake and a #3 for Brad, Izzy, and I to sing to Liam on Wednesday. I will buy a birthday card for Brad and I to write to Liam in as it has become our tradition. It seems so minimal, I feel like Liam deserves so much more yet, I don't know what else to do. It's his birthday but we aren't celebrating years gone by on this earth but rather up in heaven. 

I heard a quote the other day that really struck a cord with me.
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying Good-bye so hard."

Saying "Good-bye" to Liam in the hospital, only hours after saying "Hello". Then saying good-bye to him at the funeral home before they closed the casket and we flew with Liam to Iowa from Virginia Beach were both some of the hardest moments of my life thus far. 

We took cloths, a stuffed animal/blanket for Liam to buried in. Brad and I both chose the same outfit, brown pants and a white and brown striped onzie with an alligator on it. Written above the alligator it says, "See you later...."

I like to think it's "See you later." and not "Good-bye." Although it's permanent here on this earth and that feels like good-bye. 

To this day it hits me to my very core whenever someone says, "See you later alligator." All I can think of is Liam wearing that outfit...forever.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."  

Happy Birthday Liam. I love and miss you with my whole heart! 

Two ER visits

So this week Izzy got some sorta viral infection. 

I have found a pediatrician here in West Des Moines but have yet to have 

all the files and records sent from VA and to actually establish care. 

So when I called to ask about Izzy's fever that was 104 WITH a full dose of tylenol, they 

suggested we go to Urgent Care. Well, Tricare doesn't cover Urgent Care unless 

you are referred by a physician. Doesn't make much sense, but that left us with the ER.

We took her in and they checked for a UTI and gave her some stronger meds. The UTI came back negative and her fever came down, so we went home. 

She seemed to be doing better until a couple days later it was 1:30 in the afternoon and she 

had been asleep for 17 hours. I had gone in to take her temp and check on her, she looked

at me, didn't move and went back to sleep when I left the room.

I called the ER and they said to bring her back in. 

This time they did blood work and a chest x-ray. 

After the x-ray two nurses came in to do her blood work. One of the nurses had clearly been crying and was wiping tears from the corner of her eyes. Then as the other nurse started talking, the first nurse kept looking up to the ceiling. You know, that "trying to compose yourself" look. 

My heart immediately sank in my chest, a knot welled up in my throat, and my heart started pounding. I asked the nurse, "Is that chest x-ray in yet?" She said, "I will check"

My head went very quickly to a very dark place as I thought that the nurses were surly hiding something from us, that the chest x-ray WAS in fact in and it didn't look good. The word "cancer" ran through my mind. I thought about how we had come to the ER thinking Izzy just had a viral infection and it was really much worse than that. I thought about having to call family AGAIN and deliver horrible news. In a split second my mind went pretty far down the road as I even thought about loosing Izzy and NEVER being able to bring myself to have more children. 

I tried to snap out of it as I laid beside Izzy and held her legs, sang the ABC's and tried to comfort her while they took blood. The nurse left and I started praying!! 

This was all too familiar of the nurse coming in for the ultra sound with Liam and telling us things like, "He may have flipped around." Or, "I am not sure if this cord is working." All to protect us until the doctor could come in and tell us what was really going on. 

I just kept praying that an oncologist wouldn't walk through that door. 

I thought of a high school friend of mine named Ryan whose daughter has been battling cancer for the last 17 months. She is 5 years old. They were up at the UofI hospital doing tests and waiting for results. I private messaged him on facebook explaining the overwhelming nerves I was feeling in that moment and I shared that message from mother's day about God not being a one man ER unit. That it's not about an earthly healing, but about a heavenly, permanent healing. I think I was telling him this to bring comfort to us both and remind myself that those things are easy to hear when things are good in life, but tough to swallow when you are in a situation like this. 

The question arose in my mind that someone asked me when I was pregnant with Izzy. "Would you still be thankful for her if God took her right now?" I can answer that question with more certainty now that she is a little older. I would be very thankful for the 16 months I have been able to spend with Izzy, but of course that would make loosing her even harder. Harder because unlike wondering what Liam would have been like, I know with Izzy. I have felt her kisses, her hugs, seen her smile, heard her laugh and talk. 

So many more hopes and dreams have come true with Izzy than with Liam by virtue of the time we have been blessed to spend with her. But I found myself pleading with God that I wanted to know what it was like to have her in preschool, watch her colors, have her first sleepover, dance recital.....

I thought about the times I get frustrated and short tempered with Izzy and in that moment none of that mattered. I wanted her to home to throw food on the floor, say "no", be clingy etc

My perspective came into focus once again and it didn't matter about my photography business or oils and updating blogs, making sure the house was clean, errands were ran. I wanted to sit all day and do nothing else but snuggle and play with Izzy. 

I don't know what all God healed and or saved Izzy from last week. It could have been much more than a virus, but I am profoundly thankful that it wasn't. We got our healing moment. 

After they told us the chest x-ray looked normal I thought to myself, "Did I really see that nurse crying?" The answer is, "Yes" and that broke my heart for a different reason. If it wasn't because of Izzy, it was someone else. Someone else s family member, son or daughter. I began to pray for whoever it was that receiving the news that day. 

March for Babies

My sister-in-law Jen works for the March of Dimes Denver chapter. I know they participate in the walk in Denver each year and they put out a butterfly for Liam. Since we are back in Iowa

this year, I thought it would be nice if we could walk in honor of Liam. I knew there 

would be a lot of people who would walk with us and so I thought we could

enter the walk as the "Glynn Family" and walk for all the babies that we have lost. 

So we walked this year in honor of:

 Baby Gary and Maureen Smalley

Baby Gabe and Amanda Glynn

Thomas, Henry, and Lillia Rager

Liam Michael Felty

Baby Peter and Alex Glynn

 

 

 

It was a beautiful day and it just felt good to walk in honor of our babies. Taking a day to 

remember them and sharing their stories in hopes of helping other babies.

We raised over 1,000 dollars to donate to the March of Dimes to aid in their efforts

to make sure every baby has a healthy start!

 

 

They had different colored lays for people to wear depending on what you were walking for. IE: Premature babies, babies with disabilities, healthy babies, babies that are no longer with us. So we all had white lays to represent walking for babies that are no longer with us. 

 They also had a balloon release to kick off the walk in honor of those babies who are gone. 

We released white balloons.

 

 

 

Such an honor to walk as The Glynn Family. Something I hope we do each year and I pray 

that we use the same shirts every year without having to add anymore names!

A Revolution

This year for Mother's Day we were back in Des Moines Iowa. 

We went to Lutheran Church of Hope's Johnston/Grimes campus and met some friends there.

They gave me a carnation as I walked in the room and had a really nice video that played, showing

children who were blindfolded and recognized their mom in a line up by using their other senses. It was very touching. They had a photo shoot set up for families to get their picture taken

after the service which was wonderful. It was a nice start to the day and honestly I expected some

sort of special Mother's Day message, it was not a special Mother's Day message, per say. 

It was however, the most meaningful and touching Mother's Day message to me!

The pastor is doing a series called, "Join the REVOLUTION" and was taking passages 

from Mark 5 and talking about the power of touch. Walking us through how Jesus went into a town and raised a little girl (from what we are to assume was death, if not, pretty darn close too it) back to life, and healed a women who had been bleeding for over a decade just because she touched his garment. There were so many people that came to see Jesus that day and hoped for their own healing, yet were not.  We hear stories of miracles in bible often and they never cease to amaze and show us the power of God.

As he was finishing up his sermon, nothing 'new' had really stood out to me, yet. He mentioned again all the other people that were waiting to just touch Jesus's garment, knowing that their faith in that alone could heal them. Pastor said, "Did they get in the wrong line. Jesus left so many in that town who still needed healing.
How does he decide who gets healed and who doesn't." 

It was a question that of course peaked me interest as I thought about Liam, and the ever present question of "why."  The pastor proceeded to tell us about his Mother in-law who went into the hospital last mother's day with severe bleeding and although she is still here, hasn't been able to walk since, and may never again. I think that story gave me 'some' encouragement as there are times I wonder if my faith wasn't strong enough to save Liam. Or if there had just been a pastor with us I am sure things would have turned out differently.
You know in your heart that isn't true, but you can't help but think it.

Then the pastor pointed out a very important verse that normally gets overlooked. Mark 5:43 "He (meaning Jesus) gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this...."

Why would Jesus do that? Why would Jesus not want those healed to tell people about it? 

Because Jesus was starting a revolution and he didn't want people to be distracted by the wrong revolution. It's more permanent that an earthly healing, it goes so much deeper than that, it's more eternal than that. It's more than just a "What do you need this side of heaven?" It's more than a one man ER unit. Those that Jesus healed and raised from the dead, eventually died. The revolution that Jesus started and continues today is an eternal revolution. Yes, we get glimpses of heaven here on earth, Jesus continues miracles in people's lives, but it's not about that.
It's about eternity breaking in!

Why do some get healed and others don't? 

Jesus isn't bringing a lesser than revolution just to heal us every time we need it this side of heaven and to make our lives perfect in an imperfect and fallen world. He is here to bring his permanent light into the darkness. "This is My revolution", Jesus said. We are joined to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. When He died, our sin was put to death. When He rises, we rise with Him.

After the cross and the empty tomb, at the end of the story Jesus says, "Now, go tell everybody." That's the revolution, that is what Jesus wants the world to know. It's a permanent revolution that Jesus has brought to us through the cross. 

I know that Liam's death is more than just a prayer for Jesus to heal your cold, or help you get the job you want. Liam's death is so much bigger and more impactful than that, but so is Jesus and what he did on the cross. 

I desperately want Liam to have been one of the ones that Jesus would have healed on this earth. I will never know why, but what I do know is that God chose Liam, just like God chose me. Liam IS a child of God, I AM a child of God.  Liam isn't any less a part of the revolution than I am because it's not about this earth, it's about eternity. Liam, myself, everyone. We are all part of a revolution, don't be distracted by the earthly miracles.
Get a glimpse of heaven, of glory and hold onto it. 

I have mine!! 

Bereaved Mother's Day - 2015

Bereaved Mother's Day

I wasn't even aware that there was a 'Bereaved Mother's Day' until a dear friend of mine

tagged me in a post on facebook. It was very weird to think of myself as a "bereaved mother". For some reason that word 'bereaved' just sat funny with me. I know that I am a mother who has buried a child, yet I never thought of myself as a 'bereaved mother'. 

I was reading over the post and a story about another mother who lost their baby girl within days of having her due to complications. Of course it brought up some real and raw emotions. Not just because it's a sad story, regardless of my own experiences, but more so because I can remember what the unimaginable and unexplainable pain feels like. I feel like it brought back 

a wave of emotions, that quit honestly, I haven't felt for awhile. 

I think about Liam everyday but I am not always profoundly sad. I miss him all the time and wish he was here, but my days are also filled with laughter, the beautiful laughter, smiles, and hugs of Izzy.

We just had the "March for Babies" walk and I cried when we released our balloons in honor of those that we have lost. Sad as I thought about missing Liam, but even then I wasn't sad like I am sad reading this women's story of loss. "Why is that?" I ask myself.

 

I miss Liam everyday but the depth of that loss ebbs and flows. Not that his loss isn't always of equal meaning to me each day, but the sadness of my loss is over ridden at times with the joys of the 

here and now (and I thank God for that). It's the depth of the sadness that seams to ebb and flow. 

I know that miss Liam everyday but when I read the story of someone else s loss it just dredged up so much pain for me. I think, because I am taken back to when those emotions were real to me, real in a way that some (I pray) will never know. More real than any normal human being who is sad for someone would feel. It's like for a split second I forgot that Liam was so real too me, in an actual physical and tangible way. I know that I miss everything that he was suppose to be all the time, but it's like it hits be again how close we were to having a baby boy. So close, that we DID have a baby boy, just not in the sense that we got to take him home and have a living baby boy with us. 

When I think back to the moments before we knew he was gone and the joy and nervous excitment there was at the thought of Liam and getting to meet and see him for the first time and FINALLY hold him. When I think back to birthing him and holding him, giving him away to the nurse that final time, and his funeral. Those moments, those memories are so raw, real, and painfully sad. You can't help but read someone else s story and think about those moments yourself. 

I miss Liam everyday, but right now, in this moment I REALLY miss him. I miss touching his soft skin, and feeling his hair. I miss rubbing his really long feet and nu sling my nose against his face. I miss starring at him in awe that he was finally there, I was seeing him for the first time. I miss his wide hands, I miss all the blue. I miss his name and saying it all the time. I miss his nursery, the blue animals and leaves on the wall. I miss the joy, the untainted joy of our first baby. Joy untainted by loss and sadness. I miss the joy my family had untainted by loss and sadness. I miss the hopes and dreams we had for Liam. I miss the blissful naivety that came with not knowing all the things that could go wrong. I miss the moment when his future on this earth was still laid out before him and I was going to know what his personality was like, who he would be, what it would be like parenting a boy.

I miss it all! Right now I miss it all, every detail, I am aware of every heart wrenching detail. 

I just want to grab Izzy and run, run back to that happy place before it all unraveled. I want the perfect world where I have Liam and Isabel...next time, in the new Jerusalem. 

This picture is of Isabel and Liam Bear. A bear that some people donated money to have made

for us after Liam was born, it is the exact length and weight of Liam.

NAME - December 2014

Name

I say Izzy's name probably 100 times a day. It just rolls off the tongue now. 

I was thinking about Liam's nursery today, Izzy's room, and moving to our old house again

in West Des Moines. Then I got to thinking about a more permanent house someday and what

I could do around the house to honor and remember Liam.

I thought about putting out the letters of his name that were suppose to go on the wall

in his room. I think that would be a good idea. I found that I don't say his name enough. Tonight, when I said his name to myself, it's like I fell in love with the name "Liam" all over again. I thought to myself, "I would love to have a child named Liam." Wait, I already do, I just don't get to 

say it 100 times a day like I do with Isabel, because Liam isn't here. I LOVE the name Liam, and I love Liam himself. I want and need to say his name more often!!!! 

I do hope and pray that that we are blessed with another boy someday 

that can have "Liam" as a middle name!

Thanksgiving and more (November 2014)

I remember my cousin Aubrey talking about her new son Charlie after he was born in reference to her triplets. How it was hard for her to wish for her triplets to still be on this earth knowing that would mean that Charlie wouldn't be. I thought about that after Izzy was born and I didn't 

share the same feeling, until now. 

See when Izzy was born and I held her, besides the fact that she was a girl, it felt like I was holding Liam. That is all I knew of Liam. Now that Izzy's personality is coming out and see all the things that are uniquely her, I can't imagine life without her. I know no one will ever be like Izzy, just like I know no one will ever be like Liam was going to be. So, it's weird. What I really want, is both my children on this earth, together at the same time, living and happy.

I find myself coming up on the the 3rd Thanksgiving since Liam died. Each of his birthdays that come and go are particularly sad. Mother's Day is really hard each year, but also Thanksgiving, even more than Christmas for me, and this year I figured out why. 

Not only was this the first year we were back in CO for Thanksgiving (we alternate holidays with Brad's family and mine) and so I was flashing back to that first year when we were suppose to be traveling with our new baby and instead were empty handed. But there also always the obligatory, "what are you thankful for?"

I use to think it was especially important to reflect on such things this 

time of year in particularly, but now, I don't. 

The first year after loosing Liam I was tempted to put my list up on facebook, my "This is what I am thankful for in spite of my loss" list. To force myself to think about all the things that we are still grateful for in the midst of our pain and loss. Then I decided not too. I decided I was going to allow myself a thanksgiving of not feeling so thankful. Yes, I was blessed then, as I am now to have my family, my friends, my health, my husband. But I didn't have my son. Not having my son, my baby boy who I carried for 10 months and delivered trumped all that year.

This year as I sat at the table thinking that we should go around and say what we are thankful for, and we did. This year I have Izzy to be thankful for, but the second we started around the table I was suddenly overcome with deep grief. Yes, I have Izzy this year, but I still don't, and never will again on this earth have Liam. Suddenly, again, that trumped all. I felt so happy to have Izzy as I thought about all the people I knew of experiencing their year of "firsts" without a child they lost. Yet I thought about my sister-in-law with all 3 of her children and I was back to a place of jealousy as I have had two pregnancies, two deliveries, two babies, and yet only one is here today. 

Having Izzy doesn't take away from me missing Liam, just like my missing Liam doesn't take away from my being so thankful for Izzy. I have realized that I can not compartmentalize my life and my grief as they are, and forever will be woven together. 

I sat at the table and cried, Liam deserves some sad tears on an otherwise happy and joyful day. I don't need to force myself to make a list of all that I am thankful for, loss will force to to appreciate the things in life others can tend to take for grantide. I AM thankful and I know how blessed I am to have Izzy, my health, friends, family all year long.
Just like I am aware of how much I miss Liam 365 days a year. 

It doesn't get easier with each holiday that comes and goes. It gets harder in the sense that people talk about your loved one less (in general) and it hurts thinking that people have, not necessarily forgotten, but it isn't on the forefront of their minds like it is on yours. It's harder in the sense that most of your days are on an evenier keel now and when grief hits, it hits fast and hard. 

You never get use too it.

Today I am so thankful for my Isabel Marie. My family and friends. My husband and the people in my life that make my life so specieal. But my family is not complete here on this year and while I am enoying so much the time pseont with those I hold dear to me, I feel the absence of Liam and the hole that is left in my heart very keenly today. 

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever"