Thanksgiving and more (November 2014)

I remember my cousin Aubrey talking about her new son Charlie after he was born in reference to her triplets. How it was hard for her to wish for her triplets to still be on this earth knowing that would mean that Charlie wouldn't be. I thought about that after Izzy was born and I didn't 

share the same feeling, until now. 

See when Izzy was born and I held her, besides the fact that she was a girl, it felt like I was holding Liam. That is all I knew of Liam. Now that Izzy's personality is coming out and see all the things that are uniquely her, I can't imagine life without her. I know no one will ever be like Izzy, just like I know no one will ever be like Liam was going to be. So, it's weird. What I really want, is both my children on this earth, together at the same time, living and happy.

I find myself coming up on the the 3rd Thanksgiving since Liam died. Each of his birthdays that come and go are particularly sad. Mother's Day is really hard each year, but also Thanksgiving, even more than Christmas for me, and this year I figured out why. 

Not only was this the first year we were back in CO for Thanksgiving (we alternate holidays with Brad's family and mine) and so I was flashing back to that first year when we were suppose to be traveling with our new baby and instead were empty handed. But there also always the obligatory, "what are you thankful for?"

I use to think it was especially important to reflect on such things this 

time of year in particularly, but now, I don't. 

The first year after loosing Liam I was tempted to put my list up on facebook, my "This is what I am thankful for in spite of my loss" list. To force myself to think about all the things that we are still grateful for in the midst of our pain and loss. Then I decided not too. I decided I was going to allow myself a thanksgiving of not feeling so thankful. Yes, I was blessed then, as I am now to have my family, my friends, my health, my husband. But I didn't have my son. Not having my son, my baby boy who I carried for 10 months and delivered trumped all that year.

This year as I sat at the table thinking that we should go around and say what we are thankful for, and we did. This year I have Izzy to be thankful for, but the second we started around the table I was suddenly overcome with deep grief. Yes, I have Izzy this year, but I still don't, and never will again on this earth have Liam. Suddenly, again, that trumped all. I felt so happy to have Izzy as I thought about all the people I knew of experiencing their year of "firsts" without a child they lost. Yet I thought about my sister-in-law with all 3 of her children and I was back to a place of jealousy as I have had two pregnancies, two deliveries, two babies, and yet only one is here today. 

Having Izzy doesn't take away from me missing Liam, just like my missing Liam doesn't take away from my being so thankful for Izzy. I have realized that I can not compartmentalize my life and my grief as they are, and forever will be woven together. 

I sat at the table and cried, Liam deserves some sad tears on an otherwise happy and joyful day. I don't need to force myself to make a list of all that I am thankful for, loss will force to to appreciate the things in life others can tend to take for grantide. I AM thankful and I know how blessed I am to have Izzy, my health, friends, family all year long.
Just like I am aware of how much I miss Liam 365 days a year. 

It doesn't get easier with each holiday that comes and goes. It gets harder in the sense that people talk about your loved one less (in general) and it hurts thinking that people have, not necessarily forgotten, but it isn't on the forefront of their minds like it is on yours. It's harder in the sense that most of your days are on an evenier keel now and when grief hits, it hits fast and hard. 

You never get use too it.

Today I am so thankful for my Isabel Marie. My family and friends. My husband and the people in my life that make my life so specieal. But my family is not complete here on this year and while I am enoying so much the time pseont with those I hold dear to me, I feel the absence of Liam and the hole that is left in my heart very keenly today. 

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever"