Every time I drive to Cedar Memorial and walk onto the grass by the Garden of Angels
I remember Liam's funeral like it was yesterday.
The car picking us up by the front of the building to drive us down to the funeral. As it did, I turned to Brad and said, "Is it weird that I am nervous?" He said, "No, I am as well." I remember getting out of the car and seeing all the people there to honor Liam and support us.
It reminded me of our wedding day except the opposite of circumstances.
I can still see the tent set up and sitting in the front row and honestly not crying as much as I thought I would during the service. I think it was all too serial sitting there and starting at his tiny casket, still in disbelief that he was here and gone.
Today marks Liam's 2nd birthday and grief over the last year has changed a lot. The year of "firsts' is over which makes things a little 'easier'. I also have this huge, amazing, Godsend and blessing in my life in Izzy. Focusing on her the last nearly 8 months has taken some of the focus off my grief, almost to the point where I feel bad for Liam. Like I am not giving him his due.
It's also hard this year with Brad being away on this special day and the mixed emotions of having Izzy, yet so sad that Liam isn't here to celebrate his birthday.
This year we have a nearly 8 month old. I don't have to wonder what that would be like anymore, but I wonder what having a two year old would be like. Being that Liam is older it will always be that way. Next year I will wonder what having a 3 year old would be like and so on.
It's also weird not being in Virginia. Liam and Izzy shared the same nursery just a little different. That was kinda of my safe place in grief. I could go and sit in his rocking chair and close my eyes and think back to a time when I was still waiting with joyful anticipation for his arrival. Then, even if just for a brief moment, the pain lifts.
I went to buy a big cupcake and candle for Liam yesterday and couldn't help but think how I should be buying a lot of cupcakes for him to share with his friends today. I hope to fight back the years in Hy-vee, good thing Izzy was there with a big smile on her face.
Then picking out a birthday card (Brad and I want to write in one to him each year) was just a glaring reminder of how things SHOULD be. How he should be growing and becoming this great mom and mommy can be proud of.
On his birthday, what can I say about a boy I never had the chance to get to know. I know he had the hiccups a lot in utero like his siser. I know that he had the same hairline at birth as Izzy did, and the same eyes and nose. I know his feet were bigger at birth than Izzy's are even today, he was going to be one tall kiddo. If he was going to be anything like his sister
(or even not) he would have been amamzing.
Oh, what I wouldn't give for a hug, smile, snuggle it just rips my heart out.
I am at a place where thinking about Liam just takes me back to the hospital and that horrible moment we found out he was gone. Having to tell family, handing him over to the nurse etc. I just can't let my mind recap those things, which means I don't get to think about Liam very much because those are all the memories I have of him. Sure, I had 9 months of pregnancy with him, but it's not the same as the moments I got to actually hold him in my arms.
I am back to feeling guilty for not seeing the red flags of his IUGR. I don't think anyone will ever be able to convince me his death couldn't have been prevented, and I don't know how I am suppose to live with that for the rest of my life as his mother.
It juts frustrates me that so many people get to spend their kiddos birthdays celebrating at a playground or park, and I will be spending Liam's at the cemetery.
I know we were taught as kids that life is not fair and I can deal with that but it shouldn't have had to be this way for Liam. My heart breaks for everything he missed out on.
I pray someday I know heaven like he does, which I know is way better than this life. Someday I will see it from his side, when I get to meet Jesus and boy will I have some questions for him. On that day I will get my hug, my smile, and snuggle, I look forward too it!!!!
I miss and love you beyond words Liam, today and everyday.
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever"
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