To Liam - On Your 6th Birthday

Liam,

We don't always go to your "grave" (I hate that word) but today seemed fitting since we were in Cedar Rapids and we could go as a "whole" family. As we drove into Cedar Memorial, the day of your funeral came flooding back to me. I remember being nervous, still in shock that I would be sitting in the front row as a mother of the deceased. As I stare at your marker, your name, your birthday all I can think about is your body, buried beneath the ground, in a casket that we all wrote on and how much I wish I could reach down and touch you - hold - kiss you - and tell you that I love you!

With each passing birthday nothing seems sufficient or adequate to do to "celebrate" because we aren't celebrating years lived with watching you grow, getting to know you, or making memories together. I guess we celebrate your existence, however brief is was. So we blew bubbles, the girls put out toy trucks and we took a family picture. We hugged and Brad and I cried. 

As we got into the car I watched your blue heart shaped balloon quietly blowing in the breeze and leaving you was once again, hard.

I can't believe it's been six years! Six years of missing you, wondering who you would be and what you would be doing, of loving you from afar, and forever feeling incomplete. I took at Izzy and Kylie and fall deeper in love with them each day that we laugh, share moments and more of their personality comes through. I can imagine I would love you even more than I do now (if that is even possible) if I got to see who you would be become.  If I had the chance to live out a relationship with you and see your personality develop. 

Man what I wouldn't give.

I want you to know that today on your 6th birthday, I love you as much as I did the day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out we were having a boy (and your dad called from Afghanistan to find out) as much as the day we named you Liam, every ultra sound were we watched you wiggle - kick - and suck your thumb, every rib jab and bladder punch, the day we held you and said good-bye, the last day I got to see your face before they closed your casket and your funeral. My love for you will never fade, I know this because my heart still breaks into pieces when I think about you precious boy. 

Your sister Izzy talks about you often and shares you with everyone she meets. She makes sure they know she has a brother, that his name is Liam and he is in heaven. I love her unapologetic way of bringing you up in conversation. 

I think it's God's gift to me. 

With a deep and special love, like that of a mother and son I can tell you that it's been 6 years without you and forever can't come soon enough.

Loving you Always Liam Michael Felty! 

~Mom

More 'first feelings' that took me off guard! - Feb. 3rd

I thought I was done with "first feelings" 5.5 years after Liam, but today took me by surprise. My kiddos have a cold and are a little more needy than normal, taking care of sick kiddos is not my strong suite, it's just a tough momma day. I was pouring my tea as a little, very determined toddler, persisted to tug at my shirt and push my legs back so she could wedge herself between me and the counter for her usual, "uppy?!" I thought about Liam. How he was gone, how I wished he was here, how I missed him and suddenly, nothing else mattered. Everything in one moment just lost it's luster. The life that I am living now just didn't matter for a moment because all I cared about was him. 

Just wanted, Him!

Then, I suddenly felt guilty for not feeling more blessed that, even though they are snotty today, I have kids to love. To laugh with, smile, hold, play hide-and-go-seek with, kids that give my life purpose and value. I am having a very frustrated, frazzled, 'had enough' day and it was like Liam reminded me that even in those moments, or hours I still have lots to be thankful for because they are here. I would give anything to wipe Liam's snotty nose and give him hugs when he isn't feeling well. But I can't.

Fast forward to nap time today and I am purging my computer of pictures before we restore the OS. I came across a video from one my OB apps where my mom was videoing my US and Liam's heart beat. I could actually see him curled up in my tummy and his heart beating. It was weird...so much of what I think about when I think about Liam is after he died. Holding his precious, adorable, yet lifeless body. Giving his cold nose kisses and rubbing his still feet. I don't often think about when he was wiggling and moving inside me. My mind doesn't go back far enough to remember the joy, it comes to a screeching halt at the moment we found out he was gone and everything that came after.

I am going to get Liam's heartbeat tattooed on my arm where I can see if often. To remind me of a living boy. To remind me of the hope I once felt for him. The joy of seeing him wiggle on an US and listening to his heartbeat. To remind me that even on my hardest days with my girls that I am blessed, that in addition to the hard days, I get to enjoy good days, happy moments. The good, the bad, and the ugly that I will forever miss and wish for in Liam.

I don't believe that Liam has come down from heaven to gently remind his me of these things today. I don't believe that eternity works that way. But I do believe that God uses Liam to touch this momma's heart in a deep and special place when she needs it most!

Penguins

Penguins

My mom is sweet and thoughtful! Each year she goes to Liam's marker (I don't like calling it a 'grave' even though I know that is what it is) and she places a very well thought out item on his marker. She cries, grieves, and remembers her grandson, our son and how much he is loved and missed.
Each year she gets us one of the same items that she places on his marker. In Virginia my mom had gotten us a family of Penguins, a momma, a daddy, and a baby penguin to represent Izzy. This year she added another Penguin to represent Kylie and got a gold one to represent Liam. Now we have a whole family of Penguins to put out as part of my winter decor. 

I love that he is remembered around our home in big and small ways.

It means so much that Liam is still alive in the hearts of our family, even if that means deep sorrow and sadness.  He was our son but he was a grandson, a great-grandson, a nephew, a future friend. 

 

 

I want monsters, dirt and dinosaurs! - Jan. 2018

I want dump trucks, legos, monsters, dirt, and dinosaurs. 

I was perusing through a facebook buy-sell-trade page and saw a bunch of little boy pjs and I wanted them so badly. I want a little boy in a palo with a sweater, to take Liam to get a little boy hair cut, someone who wants to play army with his dad.

I had a friend who had a baby boy recently, reading her post on facebook, "my son." Wow, those seem like foreign words to me. Foreign because I speak on a daily basis about the girls I have. My two beautiful daughters, we watch cartoons like True, Tangled, Frozen and at our house it's all things barbie and princess. I miss the chance I had for dirt, bugs and rough and tumble play. I know it's all   stereotypical but you know what I mean.

It's been 5.5 years since there was blue,  thoughts of motorcycles and a son in my life.
I feel like I have one foot in the past, one foot in the future and I am straddling the present. How am I suppose to reconcile the past with my future as it becomes more of a mirage in my mind's eye? I know I am not the same person I was when Liam was born, Liam isn't here anymore. We go to a new church here in Des Moines and have met some new friends since moving back from VA, people who will never know Liam in anyway.

I will share Liam. I will continue to live in my memory as I close my eyes and sit in his blue nursery, think about his motorcycle diaper cake, and all the things I had envisioned for my son.