May 25th - Negative

I had a yearly physical on Wednesday and so I had the doc do blood work while I was there. I got a call yesterday that it was negative. Not going to lie, I was really bummed. We used an ovulation test and everything this time and after how quickly we got pregnant with Liam, I really had my heart set on how fast it would happen this time. 
Then last night I was reading a bunch of stuff on how the hormone levels don't really go up until after implantation. Which I thought may have happened on Wednesday cause I had a little bit of spotting (could be just from the pap) So then I thought maybe we did the blood test too early. So I waited until this AM to take another pregnancy test, and it's negative. I kinda got my hopes up again thinking there was still a chance. But not this month. 

I know where to put my trust, and I know everyone tells you it will happen when it's suppose to happen, and God's timing is perfect. I believe that to a point. With Liam, Brad and I decided we were ready and started trying. Not going to lie, we didn't go into deep prayer about when to try and when we could get pregnant. I know that part is out of our hands. 

With this next pregnancy, I keep praying about God's timing. About when we will get pregnant and that God knows the desires of my heart to have a baby. Truthfully, after what happened to Liam, I feel like I need to make sure I am in the will of God. That his covering, blessings, and perfect timing are on this pregnancy so we don't loose another baby. But I know that is not how it works or how God wants me to feel. I believe we should always be walking in the will of God and I have to trust that if we are under his umbrella, his protections and provisions are always surrounding us. People, Christians get pregnant all the time without deep fasting and prayer. I need to shake off the thought that there are hoops we have to jump through this time with God or something bad will happen to our next baby. 

So I trust that if not this month, then God has a plan for when it will happen. But, what if, what if God's plan is that we don't get pregnant for another six months, or a year? What if that is His perfect timing? That is the part that quit frankly sucks about trusting and leaving things out of your control. The best for me may not be close to what I think is best. 
Then with the health issues I had after delivery (that are still lingering around) I really started to panic the other night. I thought "what if something more went wrong with my body that we don't know about yet and we can never get pregnant ever again"? Sigh, it's something I can't let my brain dwell on for very long, but something that pops into my head every now and again and scares me. I pray that isn't the case!!!!