Our Last Baby

My 3rd pregnancy was emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally challenging to say the least. I feel like each pregnancy takes a greater toll on my body, grieving Liam, and wondering if this baby will be ok all weighed heavily on my heart and mind. Brad and I had talked about the possibility that this baby would be out last. I hadn't decided for 100% until the events of Kylie entering this world unfolded....

I was seen at the University of Iowa for the first half of this pregnancy. They did the amnio for all 3 of my babies and are totally apprised of Liam and I trust their care 100%. 

In May I made the switch to a high risk MFM doctor here in Des Moines so we could get to know someone before baby was born and so we wouldn't have to make the long drive to Iowa City for my visits anymore as they get more frequent as the pregnancy progresses. After Liam died from IUGR (intro uterine growth restriction) I pay very close attention to the growth ultra sounds and feel much better equipted to know what I need and take care into my own hands.

After my first growth US in DM the tech informed me that baby girl was in the 42% for growth. While pushing average seemed great, she had dropped from the 55% in just 4 weeks. I voiced my concern. The doctor informed me that those numbers could just be from changing offices as each performs the growth US a little differently and may calculate things differently, that we would keep an eye on it and see what another 4 weeks did. 

So we waited and went back from another growth US on June 3rd. This time Brad was in court and couldn't join me so I had Izzy with me and went to app. alone. After the growth US I asked the tech what % she was in. She informed me that she was in the 30%. My heart immediatley dropped and I could feel the nerves welling up inside me. I said, "Ok" and went onto my NST. Not wanting to alarm Brad or my mom at this point I text a dear friend and asked her to pray. It was then that I couldn't hold back the tears and began to bawl in the chair. I was listening to babies perfect heartbeat but couldn't help but think that we were going to loose her too. 

I met with the doc who told me that the 30% was still a great place to be. I began to cry again as I explained what Liam's numbers look like. 

60% down to the 35% and the 10% when he was born. I told her I was scared cause baby girl was following the same trend. That we COULDN'T wait another 4 weeks to check growth. She agreed to have me come back in two weeks and see where she was. That if she continued to decline we could go ahead and deliver her early. That if at any point I felt like emotionally I couldn't handle it anymore, we could deliver her early. So I went home to inform Brad and family. I just had a feeling in my gut that we would be having baby girl in two weeks.

Stephanie watched Izzy and Brad and I went to my app on June 15th. After the growth US the tech told us that she was in the 15% (this was 12 days later) I went to my NST anxiously awaiting to talk to the doc. knowing that baby girl declining 15% points in 12 days was not good. 

The nurse came in and told us that Dr. C saw the numbers and wanted to see me again in 1 week. I said, "I am not waiting another week, she doesn't have another week!" Trying hard to talk through the tears. She came back and said they wanted to do steroid injections. That we would do one there and then another in 24 hours, then we could deliver her. I said, "Do you admit me for those shots?" She said, "We can." I said, "You don't understand, I am NOT leaving the hospital office. I am not going home. I will wait as long as I need to hooked up to a monitor so I can hear my babies heart beat 24/7 until she is born." 

At that point we went into the room to meet the doc. She was already in her scrubs and said, "How do you feel about having a baby today?" I said, "Good." She asked us to meet her at the hospital and get prepped for my c-section. 

Kylie was born 4 hours later!

To say hearing her cry was a sigh of relief is an understatement! I just can't help but that think, that is how it should have gone with Liam. I am more convinced now that another growth US with Liam would have saved his life, and that is a hard pill to swallow.

I have not doubt in my heart and mind that if we had waited another week that we would have lost Kylie. My mutation puts me at risk for a low birth weight baby and early term labor. Liam was going to be big and was in the 60% at one point but declined in growth. Kylie was much the same. I didn't know with Liam what I know now or I would have advocated for him. I know that Liam saved Kylie's life. Knowing what I know about Liam pushed me to stand firm with the doctors and not wait. To trust my gut, giving me the knowledge I needed to ensure Kylie's safe delivery into this world. 

I wish so badly I could have them both. That it didn't have to be loosing one to save another. It's a bizzare thing to look at Kylie and think of what could have happened (because I have actually experienced it). To imagine her not being here, which is what I experience with Liam daily. 

I had my tubes tied after they delivered Kylie. She will be our last biological child. I hate that the decision was made for me, even though we were leaning in that direction. Brad and I both just know that we can't risk loosing another one as we came so close to loosing Kylie. It's just so mentally tasking as well as physically given my mutation and the complications that arise. 

Adoption is not out of the question for us someday, but for now I will continue to miss my baby boy and snuggle my two beautiful babies girls tight! 

Reaching Out

Reaching Out:

I have had several people contact me recently regarding my help and guidence (as much as I feel I have to offer) for people they know who have lost a child. I feel like God is pressing upon my heart to start some type of online support group where people can talk and share. I feel like people's friends and family need direction on how to support a grieving loved one. 

Why do we say, "I am sorry for your loss?" Saying, "I am sorry for your loss" does nothing to help someone, it doesn't take the pain away, it doesn't make it easier, I feel like they are empty words although they come from a good place in people's hearts. 

Any why do we say, "I offer my condolences", what does that even mean to offer someone your condolences? How is this helpful except in helping the person saying it feel a little bit better because they said it. It's not their fault and truthfully, it's not very helpful. So what can we really do to help someone who is grieving the loss of a child? 

I think people need the opportunity to talk to people who have gone through it, who understand and can relate, empathize. I think people need to know they are not alone, that there are others who will walk alongside them through the journey of grief and not just through the funeral and then fade away. I think people need a support system that is in it for the long hall, through the awkward times and the sad moments, the deeply sorrow filled moments. People who aren't afraid to go to a deep dark place, who will mourn with those mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. 

I am not going to say, "I am sorry for your loss" anymore, or "I offer my condolences." I will say, "I am sorry you have to experience this unimaginable and unspeakable pain. I am sorry that grief is going to be a forever part of your life now and I will do my best to walk alongside you and offer any help and support that I can." 

I wish I could take the pain away but the bottom line is, I can't. Nothing I say or do it going to make the pain go away, the pain will still be there but maybe we can make it a little bit easier. 

Keep an eye out for a closed facebook support group soon. A place where we can share our thoughts and feelings, ask questions, offer validation and support. Where we can talk about our babies and keep their memory alive. Where we can connect with others who are in the this club! 

Gender baby #3

I had my amino at 17.5 weeks and Brad and I knew that if baby worked with us we would be able to find out the gender at this visit. Knowing there is a 50-50 chance of it being a boy or girl, something in me just thought we were having another boy. 

This will likely be our last baby. My body physically, emotionas, and finances all play a part in that. So of course Brad and I are hoping for a boy. 

 

I laid on the table while they checked babies heart, head, kidneys etc and was very happy to hear that baby is measuring on track so far and everything is looking good. So know the moment of truth, baby is working with us and we can see gender. "It looks like you are having another GIRL!" The tech tells us. I put on a fake smile and say, "oh great." Once she leaves and we wait for the doc to come in and do the amnio, I just burst into tears. Brad came over and held my hand and I said, "I was really hoping for a boy!" He said,
"Me too." I said, "Is it bad that I am disappointed that it's a girl?" He said, "No, I feel the same way." We just sat and waited letting the news of another girl sink in. 

Lots of doctors and nurses fill the room for the amnio and one nurse says, "You found out today you are having another girl?!" I said, "Yes." With another fake smile. She said, "Well at least you have all the cloths and everything ready to go." I didn't say it out loud but all I could think to myself was, "We have everything ready to go for a boy as well."

 We went home after the amnio and began to tell family. Of course everyone is excited for another girl (would have been for a boy as well) but we shared our true feelings with everyone. My mom cried with us and it was just a bitter sweet rest of the day. 

I feel guilty for feeling disappointed that we are having another girl. It's not that I don't already love this precious baby and look forward to Izzy having a sister and all the joy that will bring. It's just that having planned for, prepared for, and dreamed of having a boy makes knowing that we may never have a boy a lot harder.

When we lost Liam, I grieved Liam for who he was. Someone that can never be replaced. Yet, as we started growing our family again and found out Izzy was a girl, there was just something inside me that was sure we would have another boy. Not only will we always grieve Liam, but now grieving the hopes and dreams we had of raising a boy. It's a lot to take in and absorb. I dread pulling out Liam's stuff and deciding what to do with it. Thinking about another girls nursery when I had a new boy's nursery all picked out in my head. Knowing that we wanted to use 'Liam' as a middle name for another boy. All those things that will probably never happen for us. Grief takes another unexpected turn and more bitter-sweet moments of life emerge. 

Just like pastor Rick said at Liam's funeral. "Grief is like a fog, sometimes in will engulf you to the point where you can't see your own hand in front of your face. Sometimes it will be thin and distance." This is one of those times where I feel like I am drowning in the sadness and disappointment. Where you feel like you are being kicked when your already down. Where life just isn't fair. 

 

Yet, I know the heartache will ease (eventually) that God is still in control and knows what we need more than we do. I am thankful that someone who has my best interest at heart is controlling my destiny. I am thankful for another healthy and living baby, that Izzy will get a sibling and that I can physically carry another baby. 

I may not be ready to dive into thinking of girls names, or planning out her nursery yet. I need more time to just 'embrace the suck' as I have said before. To let myself be sad for a time and when I am ready, and I know that time will come I will begin to be filled with the joy of planning a new nursery and picking out names. Looking forward to holding a precious new life in my arms and letting the explainable joy that comes along with all the trails of parenthood fill out home with another baby. 

 

 

Baby #3

I am due in July with baby #3! 

I feel so blessed that we are able to get pregnant without any complications although I am so over pregnancy. Having done a full 9 month pregnancy with Liam, the deliver, postpartum and the whole 9 yard without taking a baby home is a lot. Then getting pregnant 7 months later and doing the whole thing again with Izzy and I am just done. The newance is gone and truthfully, it's just a means to an end for me. Not just the physical toll that pregnancy takes on a women's body, but the whole emotional side of it for us. The countless doctors apps, the amnio (getting poked through the stomach with a giant needle), wondering if baby carries the same mutation I do and if I will need to go on meds, the growth ultra sounds and making sure baby is growing, wondering if I feel them kicking and if everything is ok, and of course...praying to God we take this baby home! 

I am so excited for another baby and a sibling for Izzy but I can't lie, I am not excited right now about being pregnant. I truthfully just want the baby in my arms and to know that I don't have to go through any of this again! That might sound crazy but I just don't know if I have it all in me to do again. 

Liam's 3rd Birthday

September 3rd - We are in September now and as Liam's birthday begins to approach I find myself, not unlike last year or the year before, getting really sad. I actually try not to think about it, which makes it even worse because that means I am trying not to think about Liam. I have a lump in my throat right now and truthfully just want to turn on the TV and take my mind off of it.

 I read a quote recently that says, "Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it." So true. The advice I give others is that sometimes you just have too, embrace the suck. 

"I miss you more than you will ever know as long I am on this earth Liam Michael Felty. So much, it physically hurts me. For now, I am going to watch TV. The whole time knowing the only thing I really want is you here to celebrate your birthday with happy tears!"

September 5th - I feel like a broken record each year around Liam's birthday. However, I can't help it. The pain, sadness, sorrow, loss are all still just as real. I feel the same stinging in my heart and chest this September as I did three years ago. I may be a different person now than I was then (so much life has happened) yet, the pain is still the same...all too familiar. 

It's interesting this year after having celebrated Izzy's first birthday in January. I got to experience planning a living babies first birthday party. I got to take pictures while Brad and Noni helped her open presents. A dear friend helped me make pink cupcakes and we bought juice boxes for all her friends. Such a magical time, and now I am already planning in my head her second birthday. 

Yet, on a completely opposite note, I will be buying a cupcake and a #3 for Brad, Izzy, and I to sing to Liam on Wednesday. I will buy a birthday card for Brad and I to write to Liam in as it has become our tradition. It seems so minimal, I feel like Liam deserves so much more yet, I don't know what else to do. It's his birthday but we aren't celebrating years gone by on this earth but rather up in heaven. 

I heard a quote the other day that really struck a cord with me.
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying Good-bye so hard."

Saying "Good-bye" to Liam in the hospital, only hours after saying "Hello". Then saying good-bye to him at the funeral home before they closed the casket and we flew with Liam to Iowa from Virginia Beach were both some of the hardest moments of my life thus far. 

We took cloths, a stuffed animal/blanket for Liam to buried in. Brad and I both chose the same outfit, brown pants and a white and brown striped onzie with an alligator on it. Written above the alligator it says, "See you later...."

I like to think it's "See you later." and not "Good-bye." Although it's permanent here on this earth and that feels like good-bye. 

To this day it hits me to my very core whenever someone says, "See you later alligator." All I can think of is Liam wearing that outfit...forever.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."  

Happy Birthday Liam. I love and miss you with my whole heart! 

Two ER visits

So this week Izzy got some sorta viral infection. 

I have found a pediatrician here in West Des Moines but have yet to have 

all the files and records sent from VA and to actually establish care. 

So when I called to ask about Izzy's fever that was 104 WITH a full dose of tylenol, they 

suggested we go to Urgent Care. Well, Tricare doesn't cover Urgent Care unless 

you are referred by a physician. Doesn't make much sense, but that left us with the ER.

We took her in and they checked for a UTI and gave her some stronger meds. The UTI came back negative and her fever came down, so we went home. 

She seemed to be doing better until a couple days later it was 1:30 in the afternoon and she 

had been asleep for 17 hours. I had gone in to take her temp and check on her, she looked

at me, didn't move and went back to sleep when I left the room.

I called the ER and they said to bring her back in. 

This time they did blood work and a chest x-ray. 

After the x-ray two nurses came in to do her blood work. One of the nurses had clearly been crying and was wiping tears from the corner of her eyes. Then as the other nurse started talking, the first nurse kept looking up to the ceiling. You know, that "trying to compose yourself" look. 

My heart immediately sank in my chest, a knot welled up in my throat, and my heart started pounding. I asked the nurse, "Is that chest x-ray in yet?" She said, "I will check"

My head went very quickly to a very dark place as I thought that the nurses were surly hiding something from us, that the chest x-ray WAS in fact in and it didn't look good. The word "cancer" ran through my mind. I thought about how we had come to the ER thinking Izzy just had a viral infection and it was really much worse than that. I thought about having to call family AGAIN and deliver horrible news. In a split second my mind went pretty far down the road as I even thought about loosing Izzy and NEVER being able to bring myself to have more children. 

I tried to snap out of it as I laid beside Izzy and held her legs, sang the ABC's and tried to comfort her while they took blood. The nurse left and I started praying!! 

This was all too familiar of the nurse coming in for the ultra sound with Liam and telling us things like, "He may have flipped around." Or, "I am not sure if this cord is working." All to protect us until the doctor could come in and tell us what was really going on. 

I just kept praying that an oncologist wouldn't walk through that door. 

I thought of a high school friend of mine named Ryan whose daughter has been battling cancer for the last 17 months. She is 5 years old. They were up at the UofI hospital doing tests and waiting for results. I private messaged him on facebook explaining the overwhelming nerves I was feeling in that moment and I shared that message from mother's day about God not being a one man ER unit. That it's not about an earthly healing, but about a heavenly, permanent healing. I think I was telling him this to bring comfort to us both and remind myself that those things are easy to hear when things are good in life, but tough to swallow when you are in a situation like this. 

The question arose in my mind that someone asked me when I was pregnant with Izzy. "Would you still be thankful for her if God took her right now?" I can answer that question with more certainty now that she is a little older. I would be very thankful for the 16 months I have been able to spend with Izzy, but of course that would make loosing her even harder. Harder because unlike wondering what Liam would have been like, I know with Izzy. I have felt her kisses, her hugs, seen her smile, heard her laugh and talk. 

So many more hopes and dreams have come true with Izzy than with Liam by virtue of the time we have been blessed to spend with her. But I found myself pleading with God that I wanted to know what it was like to have her in preschool, watch her colors, have her first sleepover, dance recital.....

I thought about the times I get frustrated and short tempered with Izzy and in that moment none of that mattered. I wanted her to home to throw food on the floor, say "no", be clingy etc

My perspective came into focus once again and it didn't matter about my photography business or oils and updating blogs, making sure the house was clean, errands were ran. I wanted to sit all day and do nothing else but snuggle and play with Izzy. 

I don't know what all God healed and or saved Izzy from last week. It could have been much more than a virus, but I am profoundly thankful that it wasn't. We got our healing moment. 

After they told us the chest x-ray looked normal I thought to myself, "Did I really see that nurse crying?" The answer is, "Yes" and that broke my heart for a different reason. If it wasn't because of Izzy, it was someone else. Someone else s family member, son or daughter. I began to pray for whoever it was that receiving the news that day. 

March for Babies

My sister-in-law Jen works for the March of Dimes Denver chapter. I know they participate in the walk in Denver each year and they put out a butterfly for Liam. Since we are back in Iowa

this year, I thought it would be nice if we could walk in honor of Liam. I knew there 

would be a lot of people who would walk with us and so I thought we could

enter the walk as the "Glynn Family" and walk for all the babies that we have lost. 

So we walked this year in honor of:

 Baby Gary and Maureen Smalley

Baby Gabe and Amanda Glynn

Thomas, Henry, and Lillia Rager

Liam Michael Felty

Baby Peter and Alex Glynn

 

 

 

It was a beautiful day and it just felt good to walk in honor of our babies. Taking a day to 

remember them and sharing their stories in hopes of helping other babies.

We raised over 1,000 dollars to donate to the March of Dimes to aid in their efforts

to make sure every baby has a healthy start!

 

 

They had different colored lays for people to wear depending on what you were walking for. IE: Premature babies, babies with disabilities, healthy babies, babies that are no longer with us. So we all had white lays to represent walking for babies that are no longer with us. 

 They also had a balloon release to kick off the walk in honor of those babies who are gone. 

We released white balloons.

 

 

 

Such an honor to walk as The Glynn Family. Something I hope we do each year and I pray 

that we use the same shirts every year without having to add anymore names!