Liam's first birthday

I know that everyday since loosing Liam is hard, whether it be in a big or small way on any particular day. I think about Liam everyday, and sometimes I can think about him fondly with a smile as I look at his picture, see another small boy running around, hit new milestones with this current pregnancy, or whatever the case may be. Other times, those things invoke the emotions of sadness and despair when I think about Liam. I am always aware of the milestones we would have reached in this, the first year of Liam's life. Each month that passes or each time I see someone else's kiddo has started eating baby food, said their first word, or took their first step. I am constantly thinking about "what would Liam be doing today." "He would probably be standing up or walking by now" I think about the foods I would be making for him and everything. 

I think about those things on a daily basis and so some milestones come and go and aren't any easier or harder than the other 364 days a year I think about my son. I would say the two hardest days so far (aside from the first month after loosing him) have been Mother's Day, and today. Liam's first birthday. A lot of people have been asking me in the week leading up to today how I felt about his first birthday. I didn't really know what to say as this is another first for us in the grieving process. I anticipated today being like Mother's Day where I knew I wouldn't want to go anywhere or do anything. Just give myself the day to sit at home and feel whatever it is that I feel. That like other days it would be sad but I would look back at Liam's memory fondly and take time to look at his pictures, scrapbook, and all the cards that we received etc. 

However, I underestimated just how hard this day would be. Last night I was laying in bed as Brad was getting ready for bed and I just couldn't hold back the tears. I went into Liam's room and Brad came in and asked if I was looking at his pictures and the floodgates opened. I couldn't stop crying. I have been in his room and looked at his pictures 500 times, yet this time, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only was this milestone invoking that sadness of missing Liam and the fact that I should have a cake ready for him to dive into and have his one year pictures printed and framed. But this one year anniversary of his birth and death brought flooding back the memories and emotions of that whole day and the days right after. 

Not just missing Liam but remembering going to to the hospital with excited nerves and awe filled anticipation of having our first baby. The hope we still had before it was quickly snatched away. I was reliving it all again, in my memory of course, but the pain and emotions I still feel are real from that day and they still physically hurt like they did that day. 

Reliving the reality of how close we came to everything being alright. How close we came to bringing a baby home. How close we came to Liam. I got to touch him this day one year ago, look at him, hold him, caress his feet etc. Looking at his pictures last night felt like he was on one side of a glass wall holding his hand up to it and I was on the other side, pressing my hand up against his. I felt that closeness again, and at the same time the heartbreak of being so far away. That is what Sept. 9th one year ago felt like. I couldn't believe I was actually holding him and seeing what he looked like, yet I couldn't believe he was dead. 

All those "what if's" came flooding back. "What if the doctors had done one more ultra sound, what if we had gotten to the hospital a little sooner, what if I could have sensed that something was wrong, what if I had spoken up at our last doctors app...." Those haunting thoughts that I have been able to keep at bay bombarded me as I sat in his nursery with Brad. 

Yes, today is proving harder than I thought. I am not going to try or force myself to smile as I look at Liam's pictures today. Today my emotions come and go as they come and go. Today I allow myself to cry as much as I need/want to. To think about this day for what it really is, not just all that it could or should have been. It's gut wrenchingly sad, heartbreaking, miserable, painful, life altering, frustrating....

Today I feel like the women from the movies dressed in all black from head to toe with a black vale over her face. Today the road seems dark and gloomy and I find myself walking alone. Instead of just powering through, or pushing to the next slightly higher road or spot where the clouds part (if only for a moment) I am going to stay where I am today. Walk this part of the journey as slow as I need too. None of this journey is fun or easy, and this is a particularly hard portion. But, it's still part of the journey, and one that I hope is and will lead me somewhere someday. I am not sure where, but time keeps pushing me down the road. 

But for today, for Liam's first birthday the clouds around me are thick and heavy and that's just how it is. Missing, loving, and wishing my son was here is all I can think about.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever"

July 7th - 10 weeks

I am now 10 weeks along and started getting giddy excited about the thought and dream of having another baby. There are moments that terrify me, but then, I have moments like I did today where I dream of that precious time of taking the baby home from the hospital and being so excited to get home so I can take him or her our of the car seat and hold them as long as I want to. 
I started to think a couple weeks ago about photo ideas for V-day etc, then in a instant, I stop myself. Am I getting ahead of myself, counting my eggs before they are hatched? I told myself I wasn't going to let myself day dream of those things and hopefully the pain wouldn't be so great if we lost another baby. But, it's impossible to not get attached right away and start having all those day dreams, those hopes coming alive in your head. I also think that loosing another baby would be extremely difficult no matter what I do or think about. 
Brad is getting very excited about baby as well. We are both cautiously optimistic. Things really started sinking in for Brad after that first ultra sound when we heard a heart beat, knew it was a viable pregnancy, and got to see baby for the first time. I think that is the first sigh of relief and moment when you can start letting your mind look to the future. 
Things start changing for me much quicker than they do for Brad but he loves rubbing my belly and is just as excited for this new baby as he was for Liam and I am sure he will be for our future babies to come.
 
We were at the beach with friends today talking about Baby Felty #2 and my friend said something about exciting it will be to bring baby to the beach. I told them about a big tent/umbrella that Brad wants to get, which would be perfect for baby to play in the shade. I even made the comment "our baby will be a beach bum." Then I thought to myself, "That is exactly what we thought about Liam." Being 10 months old now we would have had him out in the water playing around. 
Then, those nerves set in. "What if all the hopes and dreams I have for this baby never come true"? My mom reminded me about something last week. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough cares of it's own." How true is that. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Asking God for peace, patience, grace, health, and a living baby.

First Ultra sound

Our first ultra sound was on June 18th. We had been looking forward to this first US and getting to see baby and hear a heartbeat for the first time. I laid down and the tech rubbed the jelly on my belly and got started. Several minutes went by I could tell she was getting nervous. She kept scanning over baby but wasn't showing us a heart beat. She asked me a lot of questions about my fibroid tumor etc. and I could tell she was buying time. She finally said "It's probably too early for a regular US so we will have to change for a vaginal one. While waiting for the tech to come back I told Brad "This doesn't look good, I am nervous." He said the same thing and I started praying "God I give this to you and place it in your hands" They brought a doctor in with them (which is never a good sign) who started talking to us while the tech started the vaginal US. "There are 3 things we look for at your first US. 1- Are you pregnant? The answer is, yes, you are pregnant. 2- Is it an ectopic pregnancy? The answer is no, it isn't. 3- Is there a heart beat........" 
Then there was silence. The tech was still searching with the probe. My heart began to sink into the pit of my stomach and I started crying. I began to re-live a nightmare and had flashbacks to when we were sitting in the hospital finding out that Liam was gone. 
Then with much enthusiasm, the tech said, "There it is!!! There's the heart beat"
Sure enough we saw baby and the heart beating away. I began asking questions "Is it beating fast enough, does everything look right'? They measured baby and printed off pictures for us. 
When the doc and tech left the room Brad and I embraced, cried, and let out a huge sigh of relief. That was too close for comfort and we both started praising God that our baby was alive! 

God has brought us through so much already in this pregnancy. From getting pregnant right away to that first ultra sound, through loosing 9 pounds in 3 weeks from vomiting and not being able to eat, to being in the hospital for 2 days due to dehydration, to ER visit for extreme constipation, to thrush, a rash on my legs that lasted 4 weeks, to a different infection. 
If he can bring and baby safely through all that how much more can he bring us through. He can bring me from the valley to the mountain top. I know he is in the business of blessing his children. I know he has called me to be a mother, and I know that I am a mother to Liam and will be a good mother to baby Felty #2 and all my future children. 
I trust in the one that formed Liam, my perfect baby boy, and the God that is forming this baby even now. 
I can't wait to see his miracles unfold!

June 4th - Holding on too tightly

I haven't even had my first doctors appointment since I found out I was pregnant again. We want to wait until we hear the heartbeat and see the baby before we tell family.
I remember a friend who had a miscarriage and when she called to tell me she was pregnant again, she said she was 16 weeks and could finally let herself get excited. I am not sure how to do that. I don't know how to put my guard up in that sense and not get excited and attached already. I think it's impossible to not get attached. 
I have already started thinking about what the holidays will be like this year cause I wont be able to travel by then. Thinking about how long we wait to start pulling baby stuff out again etc. My mind goes to those things instantly. I dream already of the new born, v-day,  and St. Patties Day pictures I will take of my little one. That St. Patties Day is probably when we will fly back to Iowa for the first time to introduce baby Felty #2 to everyone. But, that is how I felt with Liam. I envisioned everything with him from holidays, to the pictures I would take when he was born, to a million different things I was let done and those dreams were shattered. It's hard not to let myself believe that I am just setting myself up for failure again. 
I can tell that Brad is more reserved this time. Not only it is our second pregnancy so everything isn't quit as new and exciting as the first time, but also a little reserved in the "what if's" Brad is better at being realistic, and I am more of a romantic and a dreamer. 
It's those emotions that I knew were going to be there, where everything is peppered with sadness, excitement, and a little bit of fear. So it's not the same as when I was pregnant with Liam and it was crazy joy all the time. We told family right away because the thought of something happening never even crossed our minds. But, things change, life changes. 
It's like I was to curl up in a ball for 9 months with my arms over my belly protecting my baby. But God says "Don't hold on too tightly." This baby is a gift and really isn't mind to begin with, but God's. Does giving my baby over to God's hands mean it's going to die, NO! It means I have to take a massive leap of faith and trust my baby into God's care. Not that I didn't before, but I still held onto Liam. 
I am afraid sometimes that if God is teaching me this lesson that means he is preparing me for another huge heartache. I have to choose on a daily basis to not believe that in my life, for me or my baby. 

We're Pregnant!!!!

We had used an ovulation test this time cause my periods started being off by about 4 days the last couple months. Sure enough, the test proved I would be ovulating 4-5 days after I thought I would based on my p-tracker app. I had already had a physical scheduled with the doctor for the week after so while I was there I asked her if she could do blood work while I was there. She said yes even though this was about 5 days after we figured the blood test might pick up something an at home pregnancy test couldn't detect this early. I went ahead and took a pee test the next day (Thursday May 23rd) at home cause I couldn't wait. It was negative. I got a call from the doctors office the next day (Friday) saying the blood work was negative as well. I went back to the pee test from the day before to see if I squinted me eyes, maybe a faint second line would appear on the stick. No such luck.
I waited until that Saturday when we were having a BBQ at our house and took another test before I had a couple of adult beverages. It was very quickly negative.
At this point I was sure I was not pregnant and can't lie, I was very disappointed. I was suppose to start my period that Monday, but knew based on the ovulation test that it would be about 4 days late. Friday rolled around and I was feeling moody, crampy, and bloated. Brad and I went for a run and I told him I was going to start my period soon. But when it didn't start by mid day on Saturday, I started to wonder again. The night before (Friday night) I was reading all this stuff about when implantation happens and when your hormone levels spike enough to be detected. So I knew the blood work was probably too early. I didn't want to get my hopes up but started to think that there was a chance that I could still be pregnant and not know it yet. I put my hand on my belly and prayed to God that there would be a baby in there.
The next day on the way to friends BBQ I told Brad I needed to stop at the store quick for beverages and tampons. When I got in there I grabbed a water, sprite, and a pregnancy test. I took it quick in the bathroom and within 30 seconds it clearly showed two lines! I started crying and while in shock and shaking I went to the parking lot to meet Brad. We were already running late and as he started to drive away I asked him to pull over quick. He responded very frustrated with "why, we are already late" I convinced him to pull over and pulled out the pregnancy test while still shaking from shock myself said "We're pregnant!!!!" Brad said "We can be 5 hours late" We hugged and took a moment to take it all in. I really couldn't believe it. I was relieved and happy to be making forward progress towards our dream. All the while thinking about Liam!

May 31st - Hiding

In the first months after Liam's death I feel like everyone was really sensitive to our heartache and loss. Don't get me wrong, people will always say stupid stuff, but in general, people were very sweet. As time goes on however, I find myself more worried about how others feel to a point where I feel I can't talk about or share Liam with people. 
I find myself wondering about being "debbie downer", or dropping this bomb on people when I meet them of "oh yes, I had a son, but he died". I know that makes people feel awkward and uncomfortable and I find myself holding back because of that. Or I am so sensitive to the "what if they are struggling to get pregnant, or just miscarried and no one knows." Then here I am taking about my dead baby. 
I find myself almost hiding behind Liam's death.
It also frustrates the hell out of me when there are people who know about our loss, yet continue to talk about babies and pregnancies every time I see them. I know that it's going to come up naturally in conversation. I am at that age where people I meet, friends etc are having babies so there is always going to be someone pregnant, trying, struggling etc. I can genuinely be happy for them and supportive, to a point. But rubbing it in (as it seems to me) that your trying, going to start trying in six months, think your pregnant but your not even sure yet and feel the need to tell everyone...give me an f-ing break. 
Especially since we started trying again and it hasn't happened yet. (granite it's only been one month) it's disappointing to find out you're not. Sad when all I have wanted since I started trying with Liam was a baby. Sad cause in the back of my mind, with all the complications I still have, I have this deep seeded fear that I for some unknown reason wont be able to get pregnant again. That Liam was my only experience I will ever have with pregnancy. 

When I tell people about Liam:
~I don't want to be "Debbie Downer"
~What if they are trying right now
~What if they can't get pregnant
~I just met these people, is this really something I should bring up now? Something so deep
~I don't want to make everyone feel awkward and uncomfortable

But, he is MY SON. This is MY LIFE right now. I am in the trenches of grief. I should not just be worried about how others will feel. I am tired of people being insensitive, making stupid comments, and going on and on. 

It's hard when my support group are people scattered all over the country. People I can call, email, and fbook with but no one here who really gets it (besides my counselor) I really need someone who understands here that I can physically get together with when I need to vent, cry, and talk about it. Someone who I know will back me up, validate me, and be sensitive to Liam. 

May 25th - Negative

I had a yearly physical on Wednesday and so I had the doc do blood work while I was there. I got a call yesterday that it was negative. Not going to lie, I was really bummed. We used an ovulation test and everything this time and after how quickly we got pregnant with Liam, I really had my heart set on how fast it would happen this time. 
Then last night I was reading a bunch of stuff on how the hormone levels don't really go up until after implantation. Which I thought may have happened on Wednesday cause I had a little bit of spotting (could be just from the pap) So then I thought maybe we did the blood test too early. So I waited until this AM to take another pregnancy test, and it's negative. I kinda got my hopes up again thinking there was still a chance. But not this month. 

I know where to put my trust, and I know everyone tells you it will happen when it's suppose to happen, and God's timing is perfect. I believe that to a point. With Liam, Brad and I decided we were ready and started trying. Not going to lie, we didn't go into deep prayer about when to try and when we could get pregnant. I know that part is out of our hands. 

With this next pregnancy, I keep praying about God's timing. About when we will get pregnant and that God knows the desires of my heart to have a baby. Truthfully, after what happened to Liam, I feel like I need to make sure I am in the will of God. That his covering, blessings, and perfect timing are on this pregnancy so we don't loose another baby. But I know that is not how it works or how God wants me to feel. I believe we should always be walking in the will of God and I have to trust that if we are under his umbrella, his protections and provisions are always surrounding us. People, Christians get pregnant all the time without deep fasting and prayer. I need to shake off the thought that there are hoops we have to jump through this time with God or something bad will happen to our next baby. 

So I trust that if not this month, then God has a plan for when it will happen. But, what if, what if God's plan is that we don't get pregnant for another six months, or a year? What if that is His perfect timing? That is the part that quit frankly sucks about trusting and leaving things out of your control. The best for me may not be close to what I think is best. 
Then with the health issues I had after delivery (that are still lingering around) I really started to panic the other night. I thought "what if something more went wrong with my body that we don't know about yet and we can never get pregnant ever again"? Sigh, it's something I can't let my brain dwell on for very long, but something that pops into my head every now and again and scares me. I pray that isn't the case!!!!

April 2013 - Trying Again

Trying Again-
Brad and I began trying again for another baby. It's interesting how emotions and perspectives change over the course of time. Right after Liam was born all I wanted to do was try asap for another baby. I was so saddened by his loss and not having him in my arms that that it's all I could think about. 
We consulted several doctors to see when it would be physically safe for me to start trying again. I was consumed by it. 
Then we got to a point where the doctors told us it was "ok", and then I wasn't sure if I was ready. I was back to the same questions in my mind as I had had when we stared trying with Liam. "Are we really ready for our lives to change"? Selfishly, "am I ready to be restricted in some ways with pregnancy again this soon"? Then even past all that, there is the huge emotional toll and all the nerves that go along side thinking about having another baby and being worried about "what if the same thing happens to the next one"?
But we got to a point where we were both ready. I even thought to myself, "If we try for a couple months and it doesn't work, we wave off until this fall. If it happens great, if not, then it will later."
We figured it was going to be nerve racking and sad now, a year from now, two years from etc. So why wait?
Now however, I am counting down the days until I can take a test. I even looked back at my "P-tracker" from when I was pregnant with Liam to see how soon symptoms like breast tenderness started. I am so excited, anxious, and nervous. I know that I will be disappointed if I am not pregnant. Ugh, so many emotional factors.