Liam's first birthday

I know that everyday since loosing Liam is hard, whether it be in a big or small way on any particular day. I think about Liam everyday, and sometimes I can think about him fondly with a smile as I look at his picture, see another small boy running around, hit new milestones with this current pregnancy, or whatever the case may be. Other times, those things invoke the emotions of sadness and despair when I think about Liam. I am always aware of the milestones we would have reached in this, the first year of Liam's life. Each month that passes or each time I see someone else's kiddo has started eating baby food, said their first word, or took their first step. I am constantly thinking about "what would Liam be doing today." "He would probably be standing up or walking by now" I think about the foods I would be making for him and everything. 

I think about those things on a daily basis and so some milestones come and go and aren't any easier or harder than the other 364 days a year I think about my son. I would say the two hardest days so far (aside from the first month after loosing him) have been Mother's Day, and today. Liam's first birthday. A lot of people have been asking me in the week leading up to today how I felt about his first birthday. I didn't really know what to say as this is another first for us in the grieving process. I anticipated today being like Mother's Day where I knew I wouldn't want to go anywhere or do anything. Just give myself the day to sit at home and feel whatever it is that I feel. That like other days it would be sad but I would look back at Liam's memory fondly and take time to look at his pictures, scrapbook, and all the cards that we received etc. 

However, I underestimated just how hard this day would be. Last night I was laying in bed as Brad was getting ready for bed and I just couldn't hold back the tears. I went into Liam's room and Brad came in and asked if I was looking at his pictures and the floodgates opened. I couldn't stop crying. I have been in his room and looked at his pictures 500 times, yet this time, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only was this milestone invoking that sadness of missing Liam and the fact that I should have a cake ready for him to dive into and have his one year pictures printed and framed. But this one year anniversary of his birth and death brought flooding back the memories and emotions of that whole day and the days right after. 

Not just missing Liam but remembering going to to the hospital with excited nerves and awe filled anticipation of having our first baby. The hope we still had before it was quickly snatched away. I was reliving it all again, in my memory of course, but the pain and emotions I still feel are real from that day and they still physically hurt like they did that day. 

Reliving the reality of how close we came to everything being alright. How close we came to bringing a baby home. How close we came to Liam. I got to touch him this day one year ago, look at him, hold him, caress his feet etc. Looking at his pictures last night felt like he was on one side of a glass wall holding his hand up to it and I was on the other side, pressing my hand up against his. I felt that closeness again, and at the same time the heartbreak of being so far away. That is what Sept. 9th one year ago felt like. I couldn't believe I was actually holding him and seeing what he looked like, yet I couldn't believe he was dead. 

All those "what if's" came flooding back. "What if the doctors had done one more ultra sound, what if we had gotten to the hospital a little sooner, what if I could have sensed that something was wrong, what if I had spoken up at our last doctors app...." Those haunting thoughts that I have been able to keep at bay bombarded me as I sat in his nursery with Brad. 

Yes, today is proving harder than I thought. I am not going to try or force myself to smile as I look at Liam's pictures today. Today my emotions come and go as they come and go. Today I allow myself to cry as much as I need/want to. To think about this day for what it really is, not just all that it could or should have been. It's gut wrenchingly sad, heartbreaking, miserable, painful, life altering, frustrating....

Today I feel like the women from the movies dressed in all black from head to toe with a black vale over her face. Today the road seems dark and gloomy and I find myself walking alone. Instead of just powering through, or pushing to the next slightly higher road or spot where the clouds part (if only for a moment) I am going to stay where I am today. Walk this part of the journey as slow as I need too. None of this journey is fun or easy, and this is a particularly hard portion. But, it's still part of the journey, and one that I hope is and will lead me somewhere someday. I am not sure where, but time keeps pushing me down the road. 

But for today, for Liam's first birthday the clouds around me are thick and heavy and that's just how it is. Missing, loving, and wishing my son was here is all I can think about.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever"