In the first months after Liam's death I feel like everyone was really sensitive to our heartache and loss. Don't get me wrong, people will always say stupid stuff, but in general, people were very sweet. As time goes on however, I find myself more worried about how others feel to a point where I feel I can't talk about or share Liam with people.
I find myself wondering about being "debbie downer", or dropping this bomb on people when I meet them of "oh yes, I had a son, but he died". I know that makes people feel awkward and uncomfortable and I find myself holding back because of that. Or I am so sensitive to the "what if they are struggling to get pregnant, or just miscarried and no one knows." Then here I am taking about my dead baby.
I find myself almost hiding behind Liam's death.
It also frustrates the hell out of me when there are people who know about our loss, yet continue to talk about babies and pregnancies every time I see them. I know that it's going to come up naturally in conversation. I am at that age where people I meet, friends etc are having babies so there is always going to be someone pregnant, trying, struggling etc. I can genuinely be happy for them and supportive, to a point. But rubbing it in (as it seems to me) that your trying, going to start trying in six months, think your pregnant but your not even sure yet and feel the need to tell everyone...give me an f-ing break.
Especially since we started trying again and it hasn't happened yet. (granite it's only been one month) it's disappointing to find out you're not. Sad when all I have wanted since I started trying with Liam was a baby. Sad cause in the back of my mind, with all the complications I still have, I have this deep seeded fear that I for some unknown reason wont be able to get pregnant again. That Liam was my only experience I will ever have with pregnancy.
When I tell people about Liam:
~I don't want to be "Debbie Downer"
~What if they are trying right now
~What if they can't get pregnant
~I just met these people, is this really something I should bring up now? Something so deep
~I don't want to make everyone feel awkward and uncomfortable
But, he is MY SON. This is MY LIFE right now. I am in the trenches of grief. I should not just be worried about how others will feel. I am tired of people being insensitive, making stupid comments, and going on and on.
It's hard when my support group are people scattered all over the country. People I can call, email, and fbook with but no one here who really gets it (besides my counselor) I really need someone who understands here that I can physically get together with when I need to vent, cry, and talk about it. Someone who I know will back me up, validate me, and be sensitive to Liam.
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