December 9th 2012

Liam would have been three months old today. It's crazy how time seems to move by quickly in some ways but when I look and think that it has been three months since I held my son, it seems like an eternity. Perhaps part of it is that I only got to hold Liam for a few shorts hours, and the further away that moment gets, the more and more it seems as though it never happened. Not that it seems as though Liam was never here (trust me, I feel his absence from my life every moment of everyday) but just that his time with us was so brief, that as more and more time grows between that moment that I held him, and now, the more brief that moment seems in my memory. Although I will never forget holding him as long as I live.

I imagine that he would be like right now if he was with us. I imagine I would be commenting on how fast he is growing up and how big he is getting. I would be changing out clothes for the next size up and perhaps diapers as well. We would have spent out first holiday with family and would be getting ready to take Liam to Iowa for the first time for him to meet so many friends and family.

Today, however, is far from those wonderful dreams....

Today we changed Liam's room back to a spare room. I have gone back and forth about when would be the right time to do this. Today just seemed right and so we went with it in the moment. We have talked about how we need time to make the transition from it being "Liam's room", to "the spare room", to the "nursery", and finally whoever room it will become down the road. I didn't want to just go from Liam's room to our next child's room. I also thought that with us being gone for Christmas for 11 days, it would be good to come back to a new room. Brad didn't want to have to do this at the end of a word day either (I don't blame him) and with us gone this coming weekend, today was the day.

We started with all the clothes. That was tough as everything has some significance. I remember who each piece came from or where I bought it. Some with my mom at garage sales, some were hand me downs, most were new bought from friends or family. Lots are significant to the beach and I had imagined we would already have family pictures by the sand and water. Some were Hawkeye stuff and I had imagined Liam wearing it during football season. Some have motorcycles on it as I had imagined taking pictures on the bike. So many memories and dreams already tied to Liam's stuff.

I figured that would be all we would do today, but Brad was ready to take down the crib and everything. So I figured now was as good as time as any. Just rip the band aid so to speak.

We are donating a case of the diapers to a charity Cory is collecting for this year. We put plastic over the car seat and put it and the stroller in the attic. I put blankets and stuff animals in a tub. Everything went into the closet.

As Brad was unscrewing the railing to the crib, I was holding the side. I remembered back, to what seems like forever ago when I was doing the same thing, only we were putting the crib together and I was turned sideways so my belly didn't get in the way. I thought to myself "How did we get here, how did we end up in this place were we are taking this down having never had a child who slept in it"? It seems unreal. As Abby put it "the magnitude of it all."

It is still hard for me to even believe it all happened. That I got pregnant, that we had a baby, and that we lost him. It's not that I am in denial that Liam is gone, but I look at his pictures and every time it's like it hits me all over again. "He was real, I really held him in my arms, and I really buried him."

Babies are still always in our face. I helped at the church this pas week packaging cookies and baking them for teachers. Wednesday morning I was at the church and sat sown to help. There was a 7 month old baby crawling by my feet and two pregnant women sitting on either side of me. "Really'? There were car seats and strollers, mommies and bjorns, infants and toddlers everywhere. Since those who are free to volunteer during the day are mommies, I guess it makes sense.  

Today was the first day we sat at church and didn't have an infant sitting in our area. I looked at Brad and said "wow, no babies this week." He said "yea we got a break." No sooner than we had just commented about it and the pastors announces that it's baby dedication day and two families walk up with their little ones. I looked at Brad and said "there it is." ugh.