It
has proved much harder than I thought for two reasons I think.
#1
- I am usually a 'glass is half full kinda person', optimistic, look at the
bright side. I don't like to be sad or make others sad. So I thought getting
out of the house and away from everything would be good. I was wrong. I think
we have had two months in VB to just begin to adjust to not having Liam home
like he should be. I was not anticipating coming here and feeling overwhelmed
with Liam not being here like he is suppose to be. I feel like I was very naive
in my thinking of the holidays would go. I find myself not even able to keep up
with a conversation because I am looking at the person and nodding along, but
my mind is daydreaming about what it would have been like to have Liam here. I
literally can't stop thinking about it every minute of the day.
#2-
This is the first time I have gone through grief like this. Sometimes I read
books about it and think I that I have it all figured out, that I am prepared,
and know what's coming. Then BAM! I was not anticipating feeling a new sense of
Liam not being here and being a part of everything. I know that sounds weird,
but the holidays are a special time and were suppose to be even more special
this year.
The
morning after being here Brad and I sat down with his parents and were able to
talk about Liam and our grief. Marvin, my father in law brought up that he
feels the same way about how everything is bitter sweet. The it sucks that
happy occasions are peppered with sadness, but that is the 'suck' we are in
right now. He also articulated how I feel, that even when I am 'happy'
and are doing 'ok', I am on the verge. Being 'ok' is relative. I am one commercial,
seeing one baby away, one stupid comment from someone, one reminder, one tear
away from a total breakdown.
Grief
I am learning is not a day by day, but a moment by moment thing. I hate being
sad, so I try to convince myself that I am doing better, that will all be ok,
that I am happy. Sometimes I am not, I need to not be ok sometimes and know
that that is ok.
Sometimes
it hurts so much I just want to do the check list of grief and get through it
so I can feel better again. Sometimes I am not sure what that check list is.
What does "working through" the grief look like? What am I suppose to
be doing?
I
really thought that getting away from VB for awhile where all the bad stuff
happened would be good. But I find myself missing Liam's stuff and his room.
I just want to go sit in his nursery for awhile and look at everything. Hold
his blanket and see his pictures.
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