A
bunch of people from Brad's office collected a total of 1,400 dollars to donate
to a group called "Molly Bear". They make bears for families of
people who lost little ones. The money they raised paid for our "Liam
Bear" and for several other families who lost little ones to get a bear.
The
bear weighs 5.2 pounds, exactly what Liam weighed when he was born.
Brad
opened it when he got home from work tonight. At first I found it very to have
Liam Bear here and I started crying at the dinner table. Brad asked me if I liked
it, which I do. It just makes me think of Liam to hold the bear having it weigh
what Liam weighed. It's just a little much all at once. Perhaps the timing with
just having put Liam's stuff away is a bit much.
After
dinner I found myself holding Liam bear over my shoulder, rocking him, and
patting him on the back. I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like if
that were actually Liam. AAAAHHH it would be a dream come true.
Even
while I was making dinner tonight, I looked across the room and imagined what
it would be like if Liam were in the swing, or the bouncy seat, maybe sitting
at the counter next to me. Those are things I have wondered and dreamed about
my whole life and now the answers to those questions allude me.
While
holding Liam Bear I instantly thought that I could become of those people who
become obsessed with something like a bear and thinking it has feelings and is
a real person. Nah, we will put it in Liam's, well the spare room with his
scrapbook and keepsake box.
It
truly amazes me how many people have reached out in different ways to help us.
Lot's of money, gift cards, Molly Bear, this angel thing (where people we don't
even know send us angles and cards) so much love and support is what has gotten
us through this. That, and the mighty hand of God.
While
it all helps, nothing makes the pain any easier. This AM I felt like I was
having a pretty good day. I printed off my journal entries from the website I
had created when we found out were pregnant and then I deleted the sight all
together. I was sad, but I was ok. This evening for some reason I am fighting
back the tears the whole night and feel overwhelmed with sadness at the fact
that Liam isn't here with us like he should be. Grief can sneak up on you
sometimes. Sometimes it's a moment by moment thing.
Ugh
Liam, I love and miss you more than you will ever know.
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