October 10th 2012

One of our counseling sessions

~I told her how I am grieving two losses. The death of Liam himself, and the death of the dream we had for the future.

That was our reality. The hopes, dreams, and what we had envisioned for the future was our reality.

That reality has changed now. Our new reality is living with the fact that we lost our son Liam.

I told her I can handle the death of a dream. That rips my heart out and totally sucks, but it's manageable for me.  It's those few actual memories I have of Liam that are so gut retching and sad. That 24 period, that is what I have trouble facing and try to avoid because it's too painful.

     ~Our counselor said you can't avoid it. You don't have to deal with it all at once or all the time. But you have to face it and work through it. It's not going anywhere. The pain will always be there until you face it. But take it in small doses.

I have a friend who put it very well. I was telling her about the hard balance between needing that break from the pain and hurt sometimes, wanting to keep myself busy to take my mind off it, and wanting to face it, talk about it, and work through it. She said it's like your trying to move a mountain with a spoon. It's takes time. You can also put the spoon down and walk away when you need to and that's ok. The mountain isn't going anywhere, it will be there when you get back.

That is so true!

~The first time for everything is hard. Either because we had envisioned doing it with Liam. Or because I remember the last time and being pregnant, excited, and hopeful.

The first time we went to the mall after Liam died, driving to route the hospital on the way to a friends house, the first time at different restaurants, church, the beach etc.

      ~Our counselor said there are going to be a lot of first until we do all those "firsts" again. There will be the first holidays and those will be hard. Then just when you think all the "first" are over and Jan hits and it's a fresh start. No, then you relive all the milestones of pregnancy again until Sept of next year. It's a long hard road. 

       She said grief is always moving and always changing. One day you may feel like you are actually moving on and things are getting better. Then the next day you realize your right back to where you were when it first happened. The good news is as times goes on you recover faster/quicker. Everyday is different and that's ok.

      ~She said that journaling is good.  Not trying to hold onto something until the next time you can talk to someone. Or try to remember it forever. Getting it off your chest and venting on paper can be just as good as talking to someones some studies have found.

       ~She also said that people think they have to hold onto the really painful stuff in the minds or they are loosing or moving away from their loved one.

For me that is the moment they couldn't find a heartbeat, or on the ultrasound when we found out he was gone.  That moment is such a dark place for me that I can't bare to even go back there in my memory. I want to remember holding him, tracing his face with my finger, rubbing his feet, looking at his hair, seeing the color of his eyes.

I am glad she brought that up because we have so few memories of Liam, that I feel if I let some go then I am loosing part of him or letting him go. I want to hold onto everything I can because it's not much. Yet, I want to be able to look at Liam fondly and think of those other moments with him. 

     ~She also said it's ok to allow ourselves moments to laugh or watch a movie and forget for a short time. (it's not like your forgetting your loved one) You don't need to feel guilty about being strong during a time and having people see that. It doesn't mean that tomorrow will be the same.

That was good for me to hear. I don't want my being "strong" or having moments of levity to lead people to think that this isn't the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life or that it doesn't daily shake me to my very core.

I am thankful to have our counselor here to talk to. I don't need someone to protect me from the pain, I need someone to guide me though it and as much as they can prepare me for whats ahead.

I know everyone's heart is to try to take the pain away and encourage us and uplift us. I can totally appreciate that, but they just can't do it. It's nice to just have someone acknowledge the shitty situation your in and just let you be 'blah'.