September 30th 2012

Yesterday was my due date. It's still hard to believe that Liam is gone. For moments here and there it's like it never happened. Pregnancy seems like a million years ago and it's like Brad and I never even tried. I don't feel like I became a mom. It's all still so hard to take in. I am sitting on the beach now remembering back to the beginning of Jan. Possibly before I even told Brad I was pregnant. I sad on the beach after a run and kept saying over and over again "I can't believe I am pregnant, I am pregnant." It's something like my wedding day that I have dreampt about for so long. What would it be like to be pregnant and then have a baby of my very own?!
The experience of pregnancy had it's ups and downs, but for the most part treated me very well. Every part of it and every milestone was something new and exciting. Even going to the hospital once I was in labor was a moment I had played out in my mind a hundred times. Even pushing and giving birth to Liam was a surreal experience. Then all of the sudden, all those dreams came crashing in. What should have been more firsts, milestones, and awesome moments of dreams becoming reality, stopped in an instance.
Now I am left broken hearted, frustrated, confused, pissed off, desparing, sad, feeling hopeless, helpless etc. So many feelings and so many questions.
I truly believe that we will have another baby and get to experience bringing them home, playing, feeding, loving, sharing, raising, etc. But that doesn't ease the pain of missing Liam himself. A sweet, precious boy who we never got to see grow up. Laugh, cry, play etc. I never imagined in my wildest dreams burying my own son. Now that the funeral and everything are over, all I am left with is an empty nursery and a broken heart. I had to say good-bye to a piece of me, of my heart, and leave it in Iowa. While I am comforted by the fact that Liam is in the presence of God and I will see him again one day. It doesn't help how much I desperately miss him now. 
It seems beyond unfair how I only got to hold my baby for a few hours. How all my hopes and dreams were shattered to pieces. How an innocent life was taken from me. My heart breaks for everyone else who's future was turned upside down. Thinking of Liam's grandparents, aunts and uncles, great grandparents etc. So many others hurting over this devastating loss. 
I am trying to make sense of it all and cling to the peace that passes all understanding.  I feel like the joy has been stripped out of almost every aspect of my life. Simple day to day things seem so meaningless and 'blah'.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. It doesn't help that we are so far away from friends and family. God has really brought me to my knees, to a place where all I have is him!