Tomorrow I am finally having surgery to fix some issues I have had since
Liam was born.
The physical aftermath I have endured is like a constant reminder that I
really gave birth to a child that is no longer here. It's like a cruel joke
that I am still dealing with my body trying to heal 5 months later without any
of the benefits of having my child with me today. As if my broken heart and my
whole world being turned upside down isn't enough, my body still has to be
broken as well.
It's like being kicked while your down.
I want to remember my pregnancy fondly, after all, it's the only real
memories I have of Liam alive. Those happy times of feeling him move, hearing
his heartbeat, and getting to see him on the monitors.
I want to remember Liam fondly, his soft skin, big feet, cute nose, long
hair....
I don't want to remember that hospital stay and all the painful and dark
moments it held for me. Each time I see a doctor in regards to the
complications I am dealing with, it brings those dark memories flooding back.
It's a constant reminder that our experience wasn't the norm. Liam died
from placental insufficiency that caused IUGR. We were told that happens in 1%
of babies. The horrible patient care we received at the hospital the day Liam
was born isn't, or at least shouldn't be the norm. Then the two doctors I saw a
week after Liam was born said in their combined nearly 50 years of practice
they had never seen the problem that I had after giving birth.
It's like winning the worlds worst lottery several times in one week. I
guess I am just that lucky.
I am nervous for being put under tomorrow and the procedure itself,
healing etc. I am also nervous for the flashbacks I feel like it will be me
coming home from the hospital that Tuesday without Liam. The stitches, the butt
pillow, all of it. I am ready to be 100% done and get this physical part behind
me, so in that sense I can start to move forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment