"We can't let the devil validate our fear, give them any credit, or
let us think they are warranted."
Thinking that maybe I just wasn't ready to be a mother. I didn't
have that motherly instinct to know that something was wrong or that motherly
intuition about Liam.
I am mad the doctors didn't see the red flag, but then again, neither
did I.
Everyone telling me my whole experience at the hospital isn't normal and
is awful care. Great, why did it happen to me. I feel like I picked the wrong
doctors and got the ghetto care, ugh!
I feel like I am nervous about something going wrong with the next
pregnancy and yet I am scared everything will go right. What if....what if I
actually take home a baby next time. It's scary to think of the responsibility
I will have of carrying a baby for 9 months, but also scary to think of taking
care of an infant and knowing how to raise and protect them. What if our
pediatrician sucks?
I look at so many friends that are mothers. That were born mothers and
have multiple kids with no problems. They know what to do and everything seems
to come naturally to them. Not me.
I also feel like after Liam was born you feel very vulnerable and like
everyone is in the know about your deepest feelings cause your living out your
deepest fears. I felt transparent and not afraid to share. I craved deeper
relationships and meaning to life.
Now I feel like that is wearing off. People say, and don't say the
stupidest things and I am back to my shy, don't say anything to make waves
self. I just not my head and smile, while I am bubbling up on the inside.
It's hard when people don't talk about or bring Liam up. Just an
acknowledgment would be good.
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