February 2013

In the mist of my pain, anger, and frustration about Liam's death, everyone keeps telling me "you can be honest with God, he is big enough to handle your honesty and emotions." I totally agree, and feel comfortable voicing my opinion to God. That is not what I am struggling with, I am struggling with the all important question of "why" and "who" is ultimately responsible for my son's death. As humans I think it's natural to need to find someone to blame. We can't believe that everything "just happens". Something is making world go round, whether you believe in fate, karma, chance, coincidence, choice etc. 
I am reading the sequel to 'Heaven is for real', a book called 'Heaven changes everything'. In it, Todd Burpo (the author and pastor) explains a time when his son was on his death bed. Todd cried out in anger and desperation to God to save his son's life. 
Here are his thoughts:


So are we to assume that satan is behind everything 'bad' that happens in life? I know God will not give us more than we can handle. I know satan is always at work, just as God is. But ultimately God has the power to stop it, right? God had the power to save Liam. So why didn't he? Just like any business or organization, there is always a person who is the bottom line, the top of the heap, the ultimate say so. In life, and death, I believe that person is God. Is it wrong of me, or against everything I was taught as a child to look to God as the reason my son died and not satan? I don't think satan has that kind of power or authority to give and take life. So once again, how do you not play the blame game with God? I struggle with that, and how I am questioning the very foundational things that I have known to be absolutes in my life since I was a child.
I know God is always battling satan, but God always wins. People say "what the devil planned for evil, God can use for good", so did God allow satan to do this? The devil obviously planned this evil and God can turn it around for good, but come on. 
Everyone says that I will come out of this a stronger women, nothing I face in life will compare. I will learn so much from it. Well let me tell you, nothing that I could learn from this, or how this molds or shapes my life will ever warrant Liam dying for. Nothing in this life will ever justify his death. If God needed to teach or show me something why the hell didn't he just do it? He is God after all.