My worse fear in life is something happening to my loved ones. After Liam's death that naive haven was broken and I fear someone else close to me dying.
It's like knowing that someone could break into your home, but never really thinking about it or thinking it could happen to you, until it does. After our home was broken into my freshman year of college, that safe haven for me was gone. That ignorance really is bliss was out the window. Now I hate being home alone at night.
Seeing other people and their "miracle" babies is hard for me. For the first time in my life I feel like I am being punished for something. Why did the blessings of God stop in my life? I have always felt blessed. I have always been provided for, have an amazing husband, friends, and family that you don't see everyday. I have often looked at other couples and families and thought, "we have something special, how did I get so lucky"?
Blessed to get pregnant after only two months and blessed with a good pregnancy. Then all of the sudden....BAM!!!! What was it? What did I do? I feel like it's something I did and if I don't figure it out and change it then something bad will keep happening to us.
How can I trust again? How can I trust God again with another baby when I prayed and trusted him for Liam and he took him away. What if I pray for the next baby and the same thing happens?
I am pissed that the joy is taken out of everything. That everything now is bitter sweet and peppered with sadness.
I am sad for Liam's grandparents, aunts and uncles who were so excited for him. Seeing their pain hurts as well. It just sucks all around.
I am trying to learn to pray "God what do you want to show me and teach me through this"? Instead of praying the same prayer about God comforting me. The damage is already done, I may as well learn something from it and have some good come from it.
Suddenly I see all the greys and blues in the world and the sadness. Instead of seeing the yellows and pinks and the happiness.
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