In the first weeks, even months after Liam's death, my emotional time
was spent trying to absorb the fact that my son had died. I had to try to wrap
my brain around the fact that the unthinkable had actually happened.
I got to as place where I could accept the reality of his death, not
that I accept his death, just the fact that it happened. I came to terms with
it for what it was.
Then it's the overwhelming sadness that all those day dreams will never
become reality. I may not have accepted the new reality (my life without Liam)
but it has barged it's way into my life regardless.
I went through many days of feeling guilty. Even though I know hine
sight is 20-20 and looking back there are a million things I would do over
again if I could. I know it wasn't my fault, although my heart and brain don't
agree.
I then moved into the short phase of anger, at myself, God, the doctors
and nurses, life, and anything else that may have had anything to do with his
death.
I still have my wrestles with God and feel like Job. I may not visibly
walk with a limp, but I am forever changed.
Over the holidays I had many moments of levity and laughter. Sometimes
to the point of feeling guilty for having a moment of seemingly pure happiness.
I feel like those were clear and defined phases of this emotional
journey, and now, now it's all scrambled.
I struggle now with feeling every emotion under the sun all in one day.
Hell, all within a matter of minutes.
I can go from feeling "ok" about things and feeling like there
are brighter days ahead, to feeling like I can't go on, to laughing and being
happy, to overwhelming hear ache, to irate, to guilt, to feeling ready to have
another baby right now, to feeling like I don't know if I could ever do it
again, to feeling like I want to scream, to crying, to feeling a sense of
release, to being totally confused and frustrated, to "ok", and back
again.
All these emotions while life, time, and the world keep ruthlessly
marching onward, it's tiring.
My brain wants to start thinking through everything at night when my
body wants to rest. I can feel the tension start to mount and my head begins to
hurt. Even now at 1:30am when I have a plane to catch 6:00am. Even typing all
this out I found myself feeling jaded that this stress and pain is even a part
of my life. Why did all this even have to happen. It's hard enough burying your
own child, let alone dealing with all this long after.
I so badly just want to know what it is I am suppose to learn and take
away from this. It can't possibly just be, your don died and that is it. I feel
like this big, monumentous event happened in my life and it should drive some
big, visible change. I know this even has changed me, but I have yet to find
out how it will come to define me.
I feel like this is when I am suppose to join March of Dimes and fight
the good fight. Team up with a cause, that this should drive me to great
things. So far I feel nothing like that. I want, and desperately need Liam's'
death to mean something, not just all be for not. Even though nothing in this
life could ever being to justify his death.
It's like one of those things you read about "You ask God for peace
and he gives you trials to teach you to be calm".
Well, this is one hell of a lesson.
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