Liam's 2nd birthday 9-9-14

Every time I drive to Cedar Memorial and walk onto the grass by the Garden of Angels

 I remember Liam's funeral like it was yesterday.

The car picking us up by the front of the building to drive us down to the funeral. As it did, I turned to Brad and said, "Is it weird that I am nervous?" He said, "No, I am as well." I remember getting out of the car and seeing all the people there to honor Liam and support us.

It reminded me of our wedding day except the opposite of circumstances.

I can still see the tent set up and sitting in the front row and honestly not crying as much as I thought I would during the service. I think it was all too serial sitting there and starting at his tiny casket, still in disbelief that he was here and gone.

Today marks Liam's 2nd birthday and grief over the last year has changed a lot. The year of "firsts' is over which makes things a little 'easier'. I also have this huge, amazing, Godsend and blessing in my life in Izzy. Focusing on her the last nearly 8 months has taken some of the focus off my grief, almost to the point where I feel bad for Liam. Like I am not giving him his due.

It's also hard this year with Brad being away on this special day and the mixed emotions of having Izzy, yet so sad that Liam isn't here to celebrate his birthday.

This year we have a nearly 8 month old. I don't have to wonder what that would be like anymore, but I wonder what having a two year old would be like. Being that Liam is older it will always be that way. Next year I will wonder what having a 3 year old would be like and so on.

It's also weird not being in Virginia. Liam and Izzy shared the same nursery just a little different. That was kinda of my safe place in grief. I could go and sit in his rocking chair and close my eyes and think back to a time when I was still waiting with joyful anticipation for his arrival. Then, even if just for a brief moment, the pain lifts.

I went to buy a big cupcake and candle for Liam yesterday and couldn't help but think how I should be buying a lot of cupcakes for him to share with his friends today. I hope to fight back the years in Hy-vee, good thing Izzy was there with a big smile on her face.

Then picking out a birthday card (Brad and I want to write in one to him each year) was just a glaring reminder of how things SHOULD be. How he should be growing and becoming this great mom and mommy can be proud of.

On his birthday, what can I say about a boy I never had the chance  to get to know. I know he had the hiccups a lot in utero like his siser. I know that he had the same hairline at birth as Izzy did, and the same eyes and nose. I know his feet were bigger at birth than Izzy's are even today, he was going to be one tall kiddo. If he was going to be anything like his sister 

(or even not) he would have been amamzing.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a hug, smile, snuggle it just rips my heart out.

I am at a place where thinking about Liam just takes me back to the hospital and that horrible moment we found out he was gone. Having to tell family, handing him over to the nurse etc. I just can't let my mind recap those things, which means I don't get to think about Liam very much because those are all the memories I have of him. Sure, I had 9 months of pregnancy with him, but it's not the same as the moments I got to actually hold him in my arms.

I am back to feeling guilty for not seeing the red flags of his IUGR. I don't think anyone will ever be able to convince me his death couldn't have been prevented, and I don't know how I am suppose to live with that for the rest of my life as his mother.

It juts frustrates me that so many people get to spend their kiddos birthdays celebrating at a playground or park, and I will be spending Liam's at the cemetery.

I know we were taught as kids that life is not fair and I can deal with that but it shouldn't have had to be this way for Liam. My heart breaks for everything he missed out on.

I pray someday I know heaven like he does, which I know is way better than this life. Someday I will see it from his side, when I get to meet Jesus and boy will I have some questions for him. On that day I will get my hug, my smile, and snuggle, I look forward too it!!!!

I miss and love you beyond words Liam, today and everyday.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever"

Wedding saddness? 8-23-14

As I sit at my cousin Ben's wedding, I can't help but think back to Brad and I's wedding. The bliss and joy we had without a care in the world. Ignorant of the heartache that would befall us down the line. You never know what the future holds for you but I am thankful that I have a God like I do and a man like Brad to help me through it.

I would have never believed you if you had come up to me at the dance at my wedding and told me I would loose a child in 7 years.

That time of year again 8-7-14

We are coming up on that time of year again that is very hard and sad for me. September and October are more difficult than most times of the year in regards to Liam's loss.

Of course I think about Liam everyday but around his birthday and infant loss awareness month it's like a old school sign that's constantly flashing right in my face.

This time of year the physical hurt is stronger for me, which I actually am ok with because the pain lets me know that Liam is still loved and missed and always will be. I am ok with hurting, for him.

 Knowing that amongst the joy that Izzy brings to my life that I still feel pain for what I lost in Liam makes me feel good to know that we will keep his memory alive and that every moment of life will still be bitter-sweet.

The pain that I feel, the sadness lets me know that Liam's loss two years ago is still as real to me today as it was then. That time does not heal all wounds and that in time his memory will NOT fade as I know the pain does not.

Reality 5-6-14

I have always been very aware of Liam since Izzy was born, but those first say, 6 weeks are pretty involved with a new baby and there really wasn't time for anything to sink in regarding how I felt about Liam not that Izzy is here.
There are have been many days since then that I feel his loss very deeply. In some respects the pain hasn't let up since having Izzy, not that I thought having another baby would take that away or make it all better. I always knew we would never be able to replace Liam and wasn't trying too. I needed the hope (although scary at times) of another baby. I needed something to help me carry on and knowing Izzy was on the way and my empty arms would be filled, did help. I am grateful for the many moments of smiles, laughter, and happiness she brings us and so many others, but that doesn't mean I miss Liam any less.

I have my moments with God where I know I should be grateful for Izzy (please don't misunderstand as I am thankful and blessed to have her) but I feel like God have me what he should have given me with Liam, a living baby. God gave me Liam and then took him away, that is not how it's suppose to work. It's like with Izzy, God gave me Izzy in the womb so why shouldn't he give me her after delivery. I feel like its' something owed to me by God, like a 'duh'.

Kinda like our tithe and offering. I feel so great sometimes like I did God this huge favor by tithing and giving of my first fruits when really that was already his to begin with. I didn't go above and beyond. It's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that Liam and Izzy aren't mine. Yes, they are my children as God chose me to be their mom, but they belong to God.

I also feel like sometimes after loosing Liam, God owed me a living child and owes me more. Like he has to make up for (not that you can) what we went through and the pain I will walk with for the rest of my life.
But that isn't a love that doesn't keep a record of wrong, not that God is ever wrong, but let's me honest, I feel like he was in taking Liam away.

Heaven 5-2-14

Heaven....

I just got done seeing the movie "Heaven is for real"
The first movie I have seen by myself.
I read the book and although parts of this movie were, dare I say "cheesey", it was still moving.
Of course I thought a lot about Liam and again questioned my own beliefs. I mean we all say we believe in heaven, but do we, really?
We all want something to believe in, especially when were going through a hard time. It's easy to say that heaven is there but when you stop to think about family members or death it becomes very real, so real it's almost scary and something so unimaginable that it seems fake.
I want to believe about heaven, especially when I think about Liam and getting to see him again. But then there are times I wonder if I really believe in heaven, Jesus or any of it. Or just the idea of it?
I certainly don't live everyday like I believe it's real. Why are there times there is no question in my mind about heaven and other times I feel like I have to talk myself into it.
Todd burpo was a preacher and had spoke about heaven many times but when his own son started talking about it, he began to question.
I think heaven is easy to believe in when we are not dealing with something so real and personal in our own lives. It's easy to throw ourselves in whole hearted until it gets down to brass tax.
Truthfully, I think sometimes heaven is scary to me. Death is something you do in life totally alone, thinking about Liam and heaven sometimes puts a smile on my face and other times I go to a very dark place. A very dark day in my life and it scares me because it's so sad and so real. Heaven is suppose to be happy, yet when you think about loved ones gone, it's sad.
There are days I picture what Liam will look like when I see him again and it brings me comfort, other days, knowing Liam is in heaven doesn't make it a lick easier.

It's no wonder God decided to give this little 4 year old an experience of heaven. He speaks so matter of factly about his time in heaven without a single iota of hesitation about if it 's real.  Why can't we believe like a child does? I want that youthful innocence that sees it through their eyes. I want to believe without reservation, but it's hard.

I want someone to come to me and tell me they saw Liam and he was with Jesus and happy and playing and wanted to tell me "everything is going to be ok mom."

I have often thought about Jesus coming back and sometimes I think, "Lord, I just want to get married first, have a baby etc." After this movie was over for the first time in my life I thought, "I am ready, I want to go there now! I want to see and hold Liam again."
I feel bad that it's not because I want to see Jesus. That was a lot to confess, I know Jesus is always with me and I see Izzy everyday (not that I get enough of her) but I want to see Liam. Right now that is what my heart desires about heaven. God has put eternity in the hearts of men and he has put my heart in heaven with Liam.

Sometimes it feels like that part of the dream where you are running but don't get anywhere. I feel stuck between two worlds.
One, I am very aware of, and one that is magical and mystical and mysterious to me.
"Our beliefs change our perspective"
"Faith is the only thing that opens our eyes"
Those two quotes from the movie stuck out to me. What are my beliefs and how will they change my perspective? I don't have an answer yet, but I know that faith is the only thing that can open my eyes to the truth and reality of where Liam is. To him it's real, no question.
I knew from the first moment that Liam was in heaven, why then is it so hard to believe then that it's actually real?

Sometimes I think we believe what we want or need too believe at any given moment. But this concept of heaven is something that you have to have iron clad, rooted, non wavering faith in when ya think about it.
A firm foundation.

Moments 4-25-14

There are so many moments when I am holding Izzy and she is right there and I can't get enough of her. She fell asleep in my arms last night (of course for an hour I didn't move a muscle, complete with legs and arms falling asleep) and I didn't want her to wake up and have to go put her down cause I wanted to snuggle for another.....umpteen hours. Just so much love I feel like my heart is exploding, it's amazing.
I remember once again feeling the same way about Liam. I remember the nurse kept saying "I can come back, you can keep him as long as you want." That really wasn't true, cause I wanted to keep him forever, but I knew what she meant. I knew no matter what time she came back it would be too soon. We would NEVER want to say good-bye, so we finally just had to hand him over. I will never forget me handing him over to Brad (I couldn't get out of bed) and started to walk away and I motioned him to come over for one last kiss on his head as I whispered "I love you" Breaks my heart to this day like it was Sept. 9th 2014.
Moments like this I pick Izzy up and drop whatever I am doing and snuggle and kiss away, thankful for the baby that God has given me to love in this lifetime.

Easter Sunday 2014

Pastor Edgar has us stand up in front of the church and show Izzy to everyone and he introduced her as the "miracle" baby.
Cory was having lunch with Pastor Edgar when he got the call that Liam had died. Everyone at the church just loved her and was so sweet.
One lady (retired) even gave us a dollar and told us to get something for Izzy for Easter. It meant the world to me because I know that was a lot for her.
Today was so much better than Easter last year. Having Izzy with us to dress up and take to church was awesome. Buy my heart goes out to those people I know who are spending Easter this year in that place of pain that I was in last year. I pray better days ahead for those people and happier subsequent holidays!
The year of firsts really does seem to be the hardest.

Pictures 4-15-14

Walking up the stairs holding Izzy and seeing a picture of me holding Liam made me sad.
Then I say in bed and rocked Izzy and she fought the sleep monster. When she looks me straight in the eye and is crying, it breaks my heart. I almost get this weird feeling that I am holding her and comforting her while something (bad) is taking over her body and we are loosing her. Like she is looking to me for help and comfort. I have to quickly snap myself back to reality and tell myself its' ok, she just needs a nap. Then suddenly I burst into tears as Brad is in the shower thinking about that moment when Liam died.
Yes, I was carrying him and some people would say, "holding" him but it rips my heart out to think that I couldn't hold him, consol him, rock him, comfort him, tell him it was going to be ok and that I loved him. Hold him close in THAT moment. It just breaks my heart.
People say, 'he was loved his whole life," and that sounds great and sweet, but he didn't know that. I never got to tell him that.
There are still moments I feel that I failed him because not only could I not really be there for him, but I couldn't do anything to save him.
I can't wait until I get to heaven and can hold him and look into his eyes and tell him how much I love him. Knowing for both of us it will forever be alright!

You can't store it up 3-31-14

You can't store it up

My mom has said no, both when she was here when Izzy was born and had to leave, and when we were just in Iowa and left, that you can't store up time with someone. Mom got to spend the first t3 weeks of Izzy's life with her but that didn't make having to say good-bye any easier. Being home for 10 days on Izzy's first trip to Iowa was awesome, but leaving was so hard.
You can't spend enough time with someone and bank those hours to get you through the time apart.
I feel the same way with Liam. I couldn't have held him long enough when he was born to get me through a lifetime without him. I couldn't have stored up enough time with him to get me through ONE day without him. You just can't store it up. You have to enjoy the here and now and moments for everything you can squeeze out of them for when they are gone, they are gone. It's part of what makes grieving a still born so hard, those moments that I did have with Liam, while I tried to soak in all I could, were both amazing to finally see and hold him, and so gut retching because he was gone.
Thinking about Izzy and grandparents, friends, and family I am glad in a way that you can't store up time with someone. That you can't say "well I got to spend a week with you so I am good for a few months" I am not ok with not seeing loved ones for an extended period of time, which makes living for away really hard. I always want to have that desire to spend quality time with those that are important to me. I think people and relationships are what make life what it is.
It's what makes having Izzy so special and what makes not having Liam so hard.

6 weeks old 3-3-14

Izzy is 6 weeks old now and I have been overwhelmed with the joy and love I feel for her. By no means does it take away from the love I have for Liam, as once again, my compacity for love grows. She does not replace Liam, but getting to live out parenting a child and physically holding her daily is truly amazing.
Being in the hospital was hard as I continually thought about Liam since all of my memories of him were from a hospital room. I think it helped to have a c-section this time so the delivery experience was totally different and I was distracted. Then getting to hear Izzy cry, and from then on our experience at the hospital having a living baby was totally different.
Up till a couple of days ago I have not really thought about how my feelings of Liam blend into the joy for Izzy. I still think about Liam everyday but I think all those emotions are catching up with me now.
Before Izzy, whenever I thought about Liam I could think about what he looked like, his long hair, big hands etc and I could (not always) smile as I remembered my handsome little boy.
I also dreamed about what life would be like taking Liam home. Now that Izzy is here and I am actually living all that out with her, that is all I can think about. I can't picture what it WOULD have been like with Liam cause all I see is what it IS like with Izzy.
Living it out with her almost makes me more sad for all I know we missed in Liam. Cause having her here is better than I ever imagined it.
Lately, I just keep having these flashbacks to laying in that hospital bed and them bringing in the US machine and telling us he was gone. It literally is like a gut punch. It's not happy memories. I keep having flashbacks to a nightmare. I have to fight back the tears and tell myself I don't have to keep replaying that moment in my mind, but I can't help it.
Perhaps a good cry is in order.

People have been so good about mentioning and remembering Liam in special ways, all while joining in our celebration of Izzy. I am so grateful for that.
My brothers pastor at church stayed up all night the night she was born and when Cory called to tell them she was here and give them all the information at 12:30am he said something to the effect of, "thank you for calling, we can get off our knees" Oh that is so touching and I know they meant it, as did so many other people who have prayed and interceded for Izzy, our rainbow baby. I know it's no random chance she is here today.

The bitter sweetness goes on

Baby Girl Felty - 1-8-14

As I sit, dream, and imagine what it will be like soon to have a baby girl here, I am saddened as I remember having the same dreams of Liam.
The dreams of bringing him home, breast feeding him for the first time, taking pictures, having people over to meet him. All of those things are only what I can imagine in my minds eye as I have never experienced those things for real, yet.
I have a feeling when baby girl is here and we actually bring her home all those things will be better than I ever imagined. While that will be a very joyful time, I think it may make the loss of Liam even more real and harder. Harder in the fact that I will experience first hand all we really lost in Liam. Not just all that I imagined it to be, but all we are actually living out with baby girl and knowing the depth even more than we already do of the lost moments with Liam.
It wont just be dreaming anymore with Liam's sister, it will be a dream come true and while I am already heartbroken that dream never came true with Liam, I think living it out with baby girl could make missing Liam tougher.
IT was hard going through all of Liam's stuff again as we pulled out some neutral stuff we can use this time and put away everything else. Shirts with motorcycles on them etc. It was very sad going back through it all.
I pray so deeply we get a chance to use it all for another boy in the future!
We had Liam's certificate professionally framed and put it up on one wall in the nursery alsong with the white wooden letters of his name, and some of the vinyl blue animals form the room. I love that they are still up even though the rest of the room is pink now. His keepsake box and albumn are close at hand and we can look through them whenever we want.
I also framed the first picture of Brad and I holding Liam and put it up on a book shelf. It's a balance between keeping his memory alive as we miss him so much and making room for his sister.
I line I am sure we will walk forever, bitter-sweet.

Home stretch = anxiety 1-8-14

So as we are in the home stretch now of pregnancy #2, I feel like it's the most critical part.
Everyone is like "you're almost there" etc
Well, we were 'almost there' with Liam as well and look how it turned out. This coming Monday I will be at the place in this pregnancy where I was when Liam was born. I don't think the nerves will stop or even subside at all until I have that little girl breathing in my arms.
I am trying to stay mentally strong and not let my mind to to a place where this doesn't turn out well. I keep envisioning a healthy baby and smooth delivery, and bringing her home safe and sound.
It stinks that the possibility of a full term loss is so real to us because the nerves are high, emotions are high, and I know it's going to be that way until the end.
We have a c-sectioned scheduled for 39 weeks on Jan. 27th but the reality that she could decide to come before that has sunk in. We are much more prepared now than we were with Liam as the thought of having him 3 weeks early never really crossed our minds.
Although being done with this pregnancy ASAP sounds great, I also like the idea of going in on the 27th and having her. Knowing she could (and probably will - I just have a feeling) come early I feel like puts the pressure back on me. Do I feel something, is that a contraction, do I feel crampy, is she moving ok, when will I loose my mucus plug, and I going to see spotting next time I go to the bathroom, will I know it's time when it's time????? AAHHH!!!!
All the doctors keep saying "you know your body and baby better than we do, so if anything is abnormal or changes don't hesitate to come in."
Well that doesn't make me feel better as I had no intuition that anything was wrong with Liam. I couldn't sense that he was in trouble or do anything to save him. That still breaks my heart and makes me wonder if I do have that motherly instinct with my own children. Will I know if something is wrong this time? Ugh, so stressful. So every time she moves I am re-assured but very ready to move on from the pregnancy stage to having her here where I feel like the responsibility can be shared between Brad and I. Knowing my mother and others will be here to help is comforting. 

Blessing Jar 1-1-14

I am excited to open my blessing jar from 2013 after coming off the year we had in 2012. Most of the things I put in it and that were on my prayer list had to do with friends having healthy, living babies, or getting pregnant. My radar and world of fertility and babies has been opened since loosing Liam and I am more and more aware of the struggles that so many couples go through in trying to conceive, miscarrying, having stillbirths, or loosing a child.
I think any of theses are equally heartbreaking in their own way, but it does cause me to be thankful that Brad and I are able to conceive easily and that I can carry a baby to term.
Life is all about perspective.
After Liam was born I felt like non of my prayers were being answered and as I look back on 2013 I see all that God has done in our lives and the lives of those around us.
I think it's naturally hard to see those things when the storm clouds are raging in your life and they are blocking any view you have. I am glad I started this blessing jar to look back and reflect. As well as looking back through my prayer list and seeing all the answered prayers!
New years last year I was really hoping 2013 would bring us another baby, Lord knows it's been a long wait but we are only 4 weeks out now and will be starting off 2014 with adding Liam's sister to our family.
Our journey of grief continues to morph and change as we look forward to her arrival and constantly thing about and miss Liam.

It's a girl!!!! 9/23/13

It's a girl!
So my doctor started telling us pretty early on that he was 80% sure we were having a girl. It took several more ultra sounds before a tech would confirm 100% it was in fact a girl.
So we found out for sure but have had some time to adjust to the idea. I can't lie, I was hoping for another boy as was Brad. Just having been so excited for Liam and having been totally prepared for a boy with clothes, the nursery etc. I just really wanted another boy next. Not that I was trying to replace Liam (you never could) I think about the hawkeyes, motorcycles, little suites, shoes etc. we had for Liam. I was looking forward to being able to use all that stuff. It was also hard at first to think about changing the nursery when I loved it so much and we never got to use it as is.
I pray that some day we have another boy. I get nervous that we never will and that part of the dream will never come true. That all those clothes etc that I could picture Liam in will never be worn.

Someone told me that "God knows what you need most." It's so true.
She brought up a good point that perhaps having another boy right away and having them wear those clothes etc would be too hard each day to think about Liam and wonder how it would have been different. Where having a girl is totally different and maybe that is easier right now.

Empty Cradle Broken Heart - Holding onto Hope 9-20-13

As I am reading from the book "Empty Cradle Broken Heart" and the book "Holding onto Hope", I am reflecting on my own emotions, grief, Liam, and God.
I read a quote in "Holding onto Hope" that says, "Hope is symbolized in Christian iconography by an anchor. And what does an anchor do? It keeps the ship on course when the winds and waves rage against it. But the anchor of hope is sunk in heaven, not on earth."
Gregory Floyd - A grief uncalled 

This is an affirmation of sorts for me. I am reminded about a verse that someone wrote in an email or in a card to me after Liam died. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
It's a verse I know all too well and have clung to many times in my life. However, at a time when I am confused, frustrated, and even angry with God this verse just doesn't sit well.
I think to myself, "Liam never had hope or a future. Never had the opportunity to live out the plans that God had for him. Does that mean that God never had plans for Liam? Liam never had a future on this earth, never had a chance." I really struggle with that, especially knowing God's promises are true and this his word will never return void. 
So I asked my high school youth pastor about it. He brought up a very good point and shed some light onto this verse for me. This verse isn't specifically talking about life on earth, but referring to heaven. It's easy (and a lot of people) to only see the here and now and be fixated on this earthly life. Sometimes it's hard for me to see what eternity looks like with Liam when I am so sad and disheartened about him not sharing this lifetime with me. I could only see that verse for what I thought it had to say about living here on earth, not in heaven. 
It makes me realize that so much of my vision, thoughts, and attention are truly on the here and now. But God wants us to be fixated on heaven eternity. He as put eternity in the hearts of men. We are never fully satisfied here because we are not at home here. This is but a brief moment in the grand scheme of things. My hope isn't just having another baby (a living baby) and having that dream fulfilled in my life. It's not just about having a family, my hope is about heaven, the long term. 
My focus should be on advancing the kingdom of God. Should be in wanting a deeper relationship with God and not just because I want the blessings that God has for me on this earth, but because of what is to come. I need to expand my view and see the big picture, look beyond a few years down the road and see eternity in everything I do, in the people that I meet. See eternity in Liam, I will always grieve a life never lived on this earth, but I can celebrate a life that will be spent together for longer than this one. 
I need to place my anchor in heaven and not on the things of this world. There is where my heart and life are!