Izzy is 6 weeks old now and I have been overwhelmed with the joy and love I feel for her. By no means does it take away from the love I have for Liam, as once again, my compacity for love grows. She does not replace Liam, but getting to live out parenting a child and physically holding her daily is truly amazing.
Being in the hospital was hard as I continually thought about Liam since all of my memories of him were from a hospital room. I think it helped to have a c-section this time so the delivery experience was totally different and I was distracted. Then getting to hear Izzy cry, and from then on our experience at the hospital having a living baby was totally different.
Up till a couple of days ago I have not really thought about how my feelings of Liam blend into the joy for Izzy. I still think about Liam everyday but I think all those emotions are catching up with me now.
Before Izzy, whenever I thought about Liam I could think about what he looked like, his long hair, big hands etc and I could (not always) smile as I remembered my handsome little boy.
I also dreamed about what life would be like taking Liam home. Now that Izzy is here and I am actually living all that out with her, that is all I can think about. I can't picture what it WOULD have been like with Liam cause all I see is what it IS like with Izzy.
Living it out with her almost makes me more sad for all I know we missed in Liam. Cause having her here is better than I ever imagined it.
Lately, I just keep having these flashbacks to laying in that hospital bed and them bringing in the US machine and telling us he was gone. It literally is like a gut punch. It's not happy memories. I keep having flashbacks to a nightmare. I have to fight back the tears and tell myself I don't have to keep replaying that moment in my mind, but I can't help it.
Perhaps a good cry is in order.
People have been so good about mentioning and remembering Liam in special ways, all while joining in our celebration of Izzy. I am so grateful for that.
My brothers pastor at church stayed up all night the night she was born and when Cory called to tell them she was here and give them all the information at 12:30am he said something to the effect of, "thank you for calling, we can get off our knees" Oh that is so touching and I know they meant it, as did so many other people who have prayed and interceded for Izzy, our rainbow baby. I know it's no random chance she is here today.
The bitter sweetness goes on
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