As I sit, dream, and imagine what it will be like soon to have a baby girl here, I am saddened as I remember having the same dreams of Liam.
The dreams of bringing him home, breast feeding him for the first time, taking pictures, having people over to meet him. All of those things are only what I can imagine in my minds eye as I have never experienced those things for real, yet.
I have a feeling when baby girl is here and we actually bring her home all those things will be better than I ever imagined. While that will be a very joyful time, I think it may make the loss of Liam even more real and harder. Harder in the fact that I will experience first hand all we really lost in Liam. Not just all that I imagined it to be, but all we are actually living out with baby girl and knowing the depth even more than we already do of the lost moments with Liam.
It wont just be dreaming anymore with Liam's sister, it will be a dream come true and while I am already heartbroken that dream never came true with Liam, I think living it out with baby girl could make missing Liam tougher.
IT was hard going through all of Liam's stuff again as we pulled out some neutral stuff we can use this time and put away everything else. Shirts with motorcycles on them etc. It was very sad going back through it all.
I pray so deeply we get a chance to use it all for another boy in the future!
We had Liam's certificate professionally framed and put it up on one wall in the nursery alsong with the white wooden letters of his name, and some of the vinyl blue animals form the room. I love that they are still up even though the rest of the room is pink now. His keepsake box and albumn are close at hand and we can look through them whenever we want.
I also framed the first picture of Brad and I holding Liam and put it up on a book shelf. It's a balance between keeping his memory alive as we miss him so much and making room for his sister.
I line I am sure we will walk forever, bitter-sweet.
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