Reality 5-6-14

I have always been very aware of Liam since Izzy was born, but those first say, 6 weeks are pretty involved with a new baby and there really wasn't time for anything to sink in regarding how I felt about Liam not that Izzy is here.
There are have been many days since then that I feel his loss very deeply. In some respects the pain hasn't let up since having Izzy, not that I thought having another baby would take that away or make it all better. I always knew we would never be able to replace Liam and wasn't trying too. I needed the hope (although scary at times) of another baby. I needed something to help me carry on and knowing Izzy was on the way and my empty arms would be filled, did help. I am grateful for the many moments of smiles, laughter, and happiness she brings us and so many others, but that doesn't mean I miss Liam any less.

I have my moments with God where I know I should be grateful for Izzy (please don't misunderstand as I am thankful and blessed to have her) but I feel like God have me what he should have given me with Liam, a living baby. God gave me Liam and then took him away, that is not how it's suppose to work. It's like with Izzy, God gave me Izzy in the womb so why shouldn't he give me her after delivery. I feel like its' something owed to me by God, like a 'duh'.

Kinda like our tithe and offering. I feel so great sometimes like I did God this huge favor by tithing and giving of my first fruits when really that was already his to begin with. I didn't go above and beyond. It's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that Liam and Izzy aren't mine. Yes, they are my children as God chose me to be their mom, but they belong to God.

I also feel like sometimes after loosing Liam, God owed me a living child and owes me more. Like he has to make up for (not that you can) what we went through and the pain I will walk with for the rest of my life.
But that isn't a love that doesn't keep a record of wrong, not that God is ever wrong, but let's me honest, I feel like he was in taking Liam away.