Walking up the stairs holding Izzy and seeing a picture of me holding Liam made me sad.
Then I say in bed and rocked Izzy and she fought the sleep monster. When she looks me straight in the eye and is crying, it breaks my heart. I almost get this weird feeling that I am holding her and comforting her while something (bad) is taking over her body and we are loosing her. Like she is looking to me for help and comfort. I have to quickly snap myself back to reality and tell myself its' ok, she just needs a nap. Then suddenly I burst into tears as Brad is in the shower thinking about that moment when Liam died.
Yes, I was carrying him and some people would say, "holding" him but it rips my heart out to think that I couldn't hold him, consol him, rock him, comfort him, tell him it was going to be ok and that I loved him. Hold him close in THAT moment. It just breaks my heart.
People say, 'he was loved his whole life," and that sounds great and sweet, but he didn't know that. I never got to tell him that.
There are still moments I feel that I failed him because not only could I not really be there for him, but I couldn't do anything to save him.
I can't wait until I get to heaven and can hold him and look into his eyes and tell him how much I love him. Knowing for both of us it will forever be alright!
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